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Too ‘09
Here we are again, it’s New Year’s day
And while others make resolutions
I ponder, ‘cause I’m the pondering sort
The possibilities of solutions
To conundra, complex and trite
Over which I have little power
How to clean the air
How to stop all war
How to righten the leaning tower
And just between you and I
It’s a generally lame endeavor
When I was younger, perhaps,
There was a time or two
When I thought that being clever
Could have some cache or some just reward
But even when I was proven right
The cumulative compensation
For forward thinking and insight
Was
Immeasurable
As is nada
Not too big to even count
No check in the mail
No fine gold watch
No currency to amount
To a hill of beans
Or a cup-o-joe
And yet, I carry on
Unlike airline totes which will soon be banned
…and so forth, and so on
I had thought of skipping this year’s poem
Since I’ve spent hours and hours blogging
And I’ve covered a lot, sure, there’s always more
Though it may seem a bit like flogging
A dead horse
And I’m lately equine-ly quite aware
Check out “The Horse Boy”
or
http://www.peacefulacreshorses.com/
And I dare you not to care
But
Trashing tradition after thirty-five years
Is just not in my demeanor
So, here I go rhyming
2009
Albeit a trifle leaner
Last year will have its moments
In some future highlight reel
Though it may play out like a disaster flick
Or a ptomaine tainted meal
Because we have truly lost our way
Everything seems so out of whack
Sure, I know that I’m Quixote-like
And my windmills don’t tilt back
But
Geez, Louise, I would be hard pressed
To try to follow my Mom’s advice
And keep my opinions to myself
Unless saying something nice
•••Some News•••
Al Franken finally took his seat
Due process run amok
Now he can hang with Roland Burris
Who was appointed by that schmuck
Kirsten Gillibrand got a free leg up
Joe Bruno’s going to jail
Marcus Schrenker tried to fake his death
But he left a paper trail
Sully Sullenberger, what a pilot
Landing safely in the drink
Bernie Madoff was a worthless crook
And now he’s in the clink
The Octomom’s a moron
Circuit City’s shut the door
Blagojevich, (the aforementioned schmuck)
Is a governor no more
The inauguration was seen by millions
The Hubble’s fixed way up in space
We’re told the Swine Flu is a dastardly bug
And a threat to the human race
Gay marriage stayed controversial
CA:NO – NH:OUI
Okay in Swe. and Mex. and the state of Mass.
But don’t ask and don’t tell me
Ida is the missing link
There’s water on the Moon
Mark Sanford is hiking the Appalachian Trail
But I think he’ll be done soon
Sonia Sotomeyer is a justice supreme
Bill Clinton met Kim Jong Il
GM’s and Chrysler’s asses were saved
In a government bail out deal
Aung San Suu Kyi is still guilty
The Lockerbie bomber, though, went free
Air France jet #228
Crashed into the sea
There were Zhu Zhu Pets for small-pet lovers
Who love everything but pets
Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue
Is as absurd as absurdity gets
New Jersey busted three town mayors
And some rabbis in the mix
Many folks got cash for clunkers
For all those cars they couldn’t fix
Obama called some cops “stupid”
Then he had a beer
And won the Peace Prize for his effort
At least that’s what I hear
We’re using drones for warfare
It’s like a video game
Where we kill some bad guys and some who’re not
But we kill them just the same
We questioned the Afghan election
And the Iranian one seemed fixed
But should we really be throwing stones
Or have our signals gotten mixed?
The Copenhagen conference
Saw very little true accord
The end-of-the-world problem solution
Seems too expensive to afford
But
China says it’s going to lead
In all things clean and GREEN
Though with 20,000,000 new cars driving on their roads
I’m confused by what they mean
A US army major
Killed thirty at Ft. Hood
The Salahi’s crashed the White House
Where security’s pretty good
The mayor’s gay in Houston
Anthony Marshall’s going to jail
30,000 troops will join the war
…and that check’s still in the mail
David Goldman got his son back
From being kidnapped down in Rio
Amanda Knox is in the Italian slammer
Where they sing O sole mio
Health Care reform passed both Houses
A highly partisan trick
It’s probably better than nothing
But really, the whole thing makes me sick
Another bomber on a plane
Though he only set his lap aglow
No thanks to Homeland Security
Which seems to equally suck and blow
•••That’s Entertainment?•••
The Golden Globes loved the Slumdog
Mad Men and 30 Rock
Boy George spent time in gaol
For making love with chain and lock
Run-DMC, Beck and Womack
The Imperials with Little A
Were R&R Hall inductees
Because they all could sing and play
Krauss & Plant and In the Heights
Each took Grammy’s home
There were probably others, I surmise
But I just can’t fit them in this poem
Slumdog then ruled the Oscars
Susan Boyle was a YouTube hit
Phil Spector is a murderer
Now, that’s some very heavy shit
God of Carnage, Billy Elliott
and HAIR
Had Tony wins
Adam Lambert went too far at the AMA’s
And ABC spanked him for his sins
Kennedy Center honored Brubeck
Brooks, Bumbry and the Boss
And De Niro who’s cool and has bad hair
But is never at a loss
Letterman was extorted
By some “48 Hours” creep
But Dave spilled the beans in a monologue
Now the shit that guy’s in’s deep
Lou Dobbs quit CNN…so what?
The true devastating news
Is that Oprah’s quitting…Oprah
And everybody’s got the blues
(This scared me for a minute
Could the wind down of her show
Mean jeopardy for the O and me?
Hell NO!…see below)
The big news in the publishing world
Posh Palazzo Pups hit the street
It’s about a large family of lucky dogs
But it’s a tasty human treat
•••In Sports•••
The Steelers were the Super Bowl champs
The Lakers took the crown
Mine That Bird won at 50:1
At the Derby at Churchill Down(s)
Tom Watson nearly took the Open
Rachel Alexandra is horse of the year
A-Rod admitted doping
You can see his pecs from here
The Yankees, (yawn), took the Series
Bret Favre came back again
Tiger got a little confused about
What separates the boys from men
•••In Passing•••
Helen Suzman led the apartheid fight
Oscar Meyer, Jr. sold sliced meat
Robert Novak was ‘right’ on Crossfire
Where he could give and take the heat
Claiborne Pell championed college grants
Rev. Ike just scammed his flock
Jack Kemp was a jock and Congressman
Who believed in awe and shock
Millard Fuller founded Habitat
Providing houses for the poor
Susan Atkins was a nut job Manson chick
Now she’s dead…I hope they’re sure
Eunice Shriver was a Kennedy
And she fought for human rights
Robert McNamara led Defense
When Cuba had us in their sites
Corazon Aquino
Restored democracy to her land
Kim Dae-Jung led South Korea
And got a Peace Prize, I understand
Bob Stupak won millions by counting cards
And built casinos on the strip
Oral Roberts healed cripples on TV
On his Evangelical trip
Claude Levi-Strauss was an anthropologist
Percy Sutton fought for black rights
Irving Kristol was ‘neo-conservative’
Though neo-conservatism bites
Ted Kennedy was iconic
Yet a man of peace and ardor
If his legacy leaves us anything
It’s that we all must try much harder
Bill Davidson owned the Pistons
Chuck Daly coached the team
They wore the label of Bad Boys
But they were better than they seem
Ingemar Johansson died, Vernon Forrest was shot
Arturo Gatti was killed by his wife
Alexis Arguello was the ‘Explosive Thin Man’
Until he ended his own life
Fathead Newman bopped on tenor
Blossom Dearie played and sang
In a life from Berle to Broadway
There was no one like Arnold Stang
Sydney Chaplin’s dad was Charlie
Big ol’ floppy shoes to fill
Donald Westlake wrote mysteriously
Of Grifters with free will
Edward Cartier drew The Shadow
Angela Morley scored all right
Jimmy Boyd saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Paul Harvey said, “Goooooooooooooooooooood Night!”
Pat Hingle played countless characters
I loved him in Larger Than Life
Jack Wrangler was a porno stud
And Margaret Whiting was his wife
Tom O’Horgan directed the original HAIR
Patrick McGoohan was Prisoner 6
James Whitmore loved being old HST
And doing Will Rogers’ cool rope tricks
Ricardo Montalban ran Fantasy Island
And made Corinthian leather chic
Andrew Wyeth painted Christina’s World
So that we all could have a peek
John Updike spun words of wonder
Dom DeLouise was funny and fat
Ed McMahon was a professional sidekick
On the side, where he worked and sat
Billy Powell was in Lynyrd Skynyrd
Dan Seals was ‘England Dan’
Bea Arthur was a Golden Girl on and off screen
But with a voice just like a man
Robert Anderson wrote Tea and Sympathy
Army Archer penned reviews
Walter Cronkite seemed to tell the truth
When he told us all the news
Horton Foote took us to Bountiful
David Carradine knew Kung Fu
Danny Gans was a king on the Vegas strip
As was Fred Travalena too
Maurice Jarre composed for epics
Like Dr. Z and Lawrence of A
John Furia wrote Bonanza and Hawaii Five-0
Which rerun somewhere every day
Jack Nimitz played the bari
Koko Taylor belted blues
Natasha Richardson seemed so lovely
And much too young to lose
Bob Bogle was a Venture
And played lead on “Walk Don’t Run”
Billy Mays spoke fast and sold a lot of shit
But now his selling days are done
Sky Saxon once tried to kill me
Now his Seeds no longer sprout
Farrah Fawcett lived and died on film
Until her candle just burned out
Allen Klein managed musicians like
The Beatle, Stones, Sam Cooke
Gale Storm was My Little Margie
With that sweet, mischievous look
Karl Malden was one fine actor
With that wild and crazy nose
Harve Presnell was a baritone who could also act
On film or in Broadway shows
Ron Silver had many faces
Lou Jacobi did as well
Gidget, the Chihuahua, said
“Yo quiero Taco Bell!”
Frank McCourt wrote Angela’s Ashes
Merce Cunningham’s life was dance
Marilyn Chambers, I guess, is fucking dead
But she could party in her pants
Budd Schulberg wondered, What Makes Sammy Run?
John Hughes would never tease us
Ferris Bueller and Home Alone
Were only meant to please us
Willy was really ‘Mink’ DeVille
In the early days of punk
Irving Penn snapped a lot of pix
Of a lot of designer junk
Arthur Ferrante has left Teicher
With two hands instead of four
William Safire wrote of language tics
Like simile and metaphor
Les Paul was a real genius
As a player and inventor
Mary Travers sang between Peter and Paul
At folk music’s geographical center
Pierre Cossette produced awards shows
Greg Ladanyi mixed great tracks
Don Hewitt was the boss at CBS news
Which is often based on facts
Larry Knechtel was a bass man
Elie Greenwich wrote sixty’s hits
Dominick Dunne penned pieces for Vanity Fair
Exposing celebrity quirks and zits
Larry Gelbart was hilarious
From Sid Caesar way past M*A*SH
Patrick Swayze dirty danced away
With gracefulness and panache
Henry Gibson was on Laugh-In
I loved his quirky rhymes
Dan Melnick produced my TV show
In much better, folk-centric times
Shelby Singleton produced 60’s gold
And ran Sun Records for a while
Al Martino was a crooner
With a smooth, operatic style
Captain Lou Albano wrestled
Joseph Wiseman wrote Dr. No
Vic Mizzy wrote themes like the Addams Family (snap…snap)
That are known wherever you go
Zakes Mikae was an African actor
Art D’Lugoff owned the Village Gate
Dee Anthony managed rock stars
And was a guy you loved to hate
Alaina Reed Hall was ‘Olivia’ on Sesame Street
Bess Lomax a purveyor of folk
James Gurly played lead for Big Brother
A band that could really smoke
Brittany Murphy sadly passed too soon
As if she’d picked the shortest straw
Gene Barry was Bat Masterson
And the Burke guy on Burke’s Law
Soupy Sales was a slapstick phenom
I ate lunch with him for years
He’d throw a pie at anybody
His elders or his peers
Kenny Rankin had that silky voice
I’ll always hear it in my heart
Michael Jackson
King of Pop
I wouldn’t know where to end or start
•••
There’s obviously much omitted
It’s been a jamb packed crazy year
Jon and Kate and that boob Glenn Beck
We just don’t need to hear
About another worthless moron
Like the ‘balloon boy’s’ dad or Rush
Or Dancing With the Stars
And Tom DeLay’s fat, jiggly tush
(poetic license invoked)
Although I’d like to look ahead now
With a cheery point of view
I’m not adept at Pollyanna-ism
And karmic debts are overdue
Our future could be canceled
As in, “we all are lost”
If our only criteria for action
Is simply
GOOD v. COST
But
As is my way, I take a breath
To start the New Year with some zing
Mostly, because of all of you
And the fat lady who’s yet to sing
PEACE!
A donation has been lovingly made in your honor to:
Did you know that I have a brother? He’s my little brother, but he is a giant among men. He graduated with a Masters in Architecture but his calling has always been music. You probably didn’t know it when you heard the music and sounds of ‘Chicago’ or Ray Charles or Bill Charlip, but Joel mixed the sounds and put it together for our ears. Joel has worked all over the planet and has won more Grammies and Oscars and other awards than could even fit in my home.
You probably wouldn’t recognize Joel if you walked past him on the street. He looks like a regular person. But Joel is anything but regular. He is a brilliant thinker; Joel is an avid reader and very well informed. Joel is moral and fair; he’s way too honest and opinionated to ever become a politician. But in my opinion, he’d do a great job of running the world.
Joel is a wonderful writer. As the minutes tick down to dismissing each year in late December, Joel allows some of his brilliance and wit flow out of his pen onto paper. As I’ve read his offerings year after year, I’ve always thought that I should share his work with my friends and readers.
So here is Joel’s Too ’09. Am I proud of him? You betcha.
http://managramusic.com/home/Home.html (Joel’s site)
