Jessica

 
Friday, May 31st 1996 is a day that I shall remember for the rest of my life… In late August of ’95 while the summer was coming to a close and the balmy evenings drew in, my then Wife, Jude announced that she was pregnant. After months of trying to conceive without luck, I was finally to be a Father! The pregnancy was not an easy one. Due to Jude’s age at the time of the pregnancy (42), Down’s syndrome was a major concern. Fortunately, an amniocentesis test relieved our deepest fears. In the second trimester a routine test discovered complications, which the doctors assured us were not life threatening so we put our faith in them, and planned for the future of our little girl. Jessica became a constant companion. Anxious for this world but not quite ready for it, she stowed away at my gigs, kicking and moving happily to “Free Bird”, and “Little Wing”, and showing her disdain by falling asleep during the required Brit Pop numbers of the time. I got to know her then. I couldn’t wait to meet my little daughter, and I knew she felt the same. We would instantly recognize each other because our hearts had already met. Jessica was due in late May 1996, and although it couldn’t come fast enough, it seemed there still wasn’t enough time. We wanted everything to be perfect for her, so with cans of paint in pink and blue, and borders dashed with dancing bears, we brushed and rolled and pasted until her soft white cot was surrounded by all that a little girl could dream of. When her room was ready, I could see her there, in clouds of fluffy pillows, holding court with smiling dolls and doting teddies, looking up at me. I knew she would be loved and safe and happy when that day came. Tomorrow, or the next day… But that day never came... During the afternoon of the 31st of May, whilst giving a guitar lesson, Jude came in to inform me that it might be “time”. Needless to say, the lesson finished early. We arrived at Southend General Hospital Maternity Ward. After the usual scurry of nurses, monitors were in place, and I waited to hear Jessica’s heartbeat, as I had many months ago. Nothing… “Another damn machine isn’t working” the midwife announced. “I’ll see if I can find another”. So we waited. She returned with a functioning monitor and we waited again to her Jessica’s sound. Nothing… The tears welling up in the midwife’s eyes belied her words of comfort. The Doctor arrived with his stethoscope, and listened. He told us then, simply, “I’m very sorry, your baby is dead”, and he left the room. Jude’s scream broke the silence, and something broke in me as my cries joined the din. “Give her a Caesarean Section”, I shouted. “We cant, your wife will have to go through the normal delivery procedures.” “Why?” I asked, “Because this is how we deal with this situation nowadays.” Apparently, the umbilical chord had strangled her. Jessica was born 8lb 4oz and, apart from her darkened complexion due to oxygen deprivation, she was a perfect baby. She had my mouth. I held her in disbelief. Where did I go wrong?  Nothing made sense to me. For the next few months I drank too much, I smoked too much, and I cried. Then around January 1997, Jessica’s song came to me, in a dream. Her music took me to a beautiful place, and I felt her with me. I knew then that she would live forever in her song. My job was to make sure that her song was sung… So why has it taken 11 years for this album to be completed? Well, first of all, I had to get it right. Then, I had to find the best musicians available to me. Not only did I find them, I also found in them, an extraordinary bunch of individuals who lovingly offered their talents to this project. Working through this album, through the music, I came to peace with my grief. Jessica’s fleeting life began to make sense. I learned from, and was infinitely inspired by, the amazing musicians who graced my life at this time. Without Jessica, I may never have had this opportunity, and for that, I will be forever grateful. I will also be forever grateful to Matron Sally Livingstone who, like a warm light, on that coldest night as May turned to June, gave me a way to get through the darkness. The Bereavement Room Standing outside the maternity ward, having a cigarette with a group of expectant fathers, I was given a cigar and asked whether I’d had a girl or a boy. I replied, “I had the most beautiful little girl in the world.” I stubbed out my cigarette and went back into the ward where the chatter of joyful new parents and the robust cries of newborn babies swirled in counterpoint with the silence of Jessica. The newly polished and tiled floors, offered no comfort. In fact they only served to echo my cries. I felt at the time that this was not fair, not right. Why should I have to experience the darkest hours of my life with strangers who are experiencing the happiest hours of theirs? When we were better able to discuss such things, Sally mentioned that this situation was all too familiar. Mothers and Fathers of stillborn babies have always had to hide their grief during the seemingly pointless labour. Whilst the Mothers must listen to the cries of newborn babies, Fathers must walk the halls and grounds of the hospital where family members bearing gifts of flowers and chocolates are congratulating new parents. Sally mentioned to me that a bereavement room with a separate entrance would go a long way to alleviate the short-term grief suffered by families who have experienced a stillbirth. When I asked why such an obviously necessary facility did not exist, she informed me that the NHS would not cover it. At that moment, the seed of Jessica’s song sprouted its roots… In the interest of helping other families who will go through the sadness and despair of stillbirth, I decided then to tell Jessica’s story with my music, with the hope that it would bring this tragic subject out of hiding. I also knew that I had to contribute towards making the bereavement room a reality. Therefore, proceeds from this album will be donated to Southend General Hospital for the purpose of constructing a dedicated space for grieving parents. My deepest hope is that this idea will eventually around the country… About The Album The music here will not immediately appeal to everybody. For this, I make no apologies. Quite simply, I reached into the depths of my many and eclectic influences, Pink Floyd, Yes, Rush, Led Zeppelin, Eagles, Prince, Beatles, Queen, Rick Wakeman Steve Vai, The Who, among many others. The music was written and performed from these influences just as naturally as would have been my influence upon my Daughter. I realized from the beginning that I had to be honest. I was not making a pop record. Nor was I making a record to sell millions. I was making a record for two very important reasons: To tell Jessica’s story To make people aware of a very real, yet often ignored aspect of childbirth. Having said this, I hope you will find this music enjoyable. It was written from my heart. I’d be a liar if I denied the fact that this album has been a very cathartic outlet for my own pain. However, in writing this album I have experienced and learned a great deal about both the strength and fragility of life in general; something that affects us all. http://livepage.apple.com/