FAQ

Q. Why are you not writing as many entries these days to your journal?

A. Two answers. Most of my days right now consist of sitting at my desk and writing, which is not the most exciting subject. And I am also running out of time here, so I am torn between writing about interesting things in my free time or actually trying to do interesting things in my free time. It is, as Neil Hamburger might say, “sort of a Catch-22.”

Q. Are you dreading going back to America?

A. Let’s just say that I view my return to America with the same graciousness and optimism that the French show when pondering four more years of Sarkozy’s presidency.

Q. What has been the most surprising thing about running this website for the past two years?

A. I never anticipated the great impact Euromad™ would have upon the American cultural and political landscapes. If you consider the various causes advocated on theses pages—most notably John Edwards’ run for the presidency, the renewal of Veornica Mars for a fourth season, Ray Davies’s (now surprise smash hit of the year) single “The Morphine Song,” you can see how it would be a very different world without everything the Euromad has worked so hard for.

Q. Tell the truth: the questions on your FAQ page aren't really questions that others have asked of you; they're just questions that you think of yourself and that you think people should ask of you. Am I correct?

A. Okay, that last question was a fake.

Q. With the MacArthur prize, though, I don’t guess you’re going to be staying in Tennesse very long, are you?

A. Actually, I expect to be there for a good long while. In terms of what constitutes a good job for me (a good library with lots of colleagues in my field whom I like in respect, the chance to do research and interesting teaching, not to mention a more than livable salary, a good cost of living, and a country music scene), Tennessee is as close to an ideal place for me as I’m likely to get in this life.

Q. Does that mean you are holding out for an Ivy League school?

A. Uh, no. Read the answer again, Stephanopoulos!

Q. Will you be continuing Euromad once you are settled in Tennessee?

A. Still an open question. To be honest, I’m leaning towards “no,” but like Hillary, I will consult with my constituents before reaching any radical decisions. I will at least, once I’m back in America, restore “Euromad Classic” to the website.

Q. Hey, did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world?

A. As a matter of fact I did. She tends to work Fridays at the boulangerie around the corner.

Followup:

Q. If you did, tell her I’m sorry. Tell her I need my baby!

A. Pull yourself together, Charlie.

Q. Is your book finished?

A. I have drafts of eight chapters done, as of this writing, with an anticipated two to go. I should have a readable draft of the whole thing completed sometime this fall. At the glacial pace of academic publishing, that’s probably two years away from it seeing the light of day.

Q. And then you will start looking for other jobs?

A. Oh, do shut up.

Q. How bad is the exchange rate in Europe now, really?

A. Let me give you a little fun fact on that point. The first time I ever rented the apartment where I am now staying was the summer of 2000. In the intervening seven-plus years, my landlord has not raised the rent at all. There was that changeover to the Euro in 2002, which was kind of hinky, but as much as possible, the base rent in French/European currency has not gone up one red centime. Taking into account the declining value of the dollar during the Bush era, however, the rent I am paying, in fact, has gone up (drum roll please)—one-thousand dollars a month!

Update: $1300 a month now.

Q. How does it feel to win a MacArthur “genius” award?

A. Sometimes, it’s easier to answer an abstract question like this one with a picture (and caption):

“It sure is cool, having money and chicks.”

To borrow a joke structure from Jon Stewart: “As a professional historian, I am honored. But as a member of the human species, frankly, I’m disappointed, folks. We can do better!” I should note as well that the MacArthur Foundation disavows the term “Genius Award,” which I am happy to do, too.

Q. How did you find out that you had won a Genius Award?

A. All right, if you insist! They called me on the phone.

Q. Why was Euromad chosen to receive a MacArthur?

A. I can only relay the information that has already been made public: The foundation cited general internet excellence, the timely and informative FAQ page, the mixture of topics covered in the blogs, the courage with which this site has consistently opposed cornettos (and its steady commitment to anglicizing the plural of that noun), and a “members only” section whose security apparatus has been described as “un-hackable.” For further information, you might check this page. My photo is the somewhat coquettish-looking one.

Q. Do you know who nominated you?

A. Because the process is so secretive, no, I have no idea. And as you know, everyone in my world goes by a pseudonym anyway.

Q. What restrictions are placed on how you spend the money?

A. Apparently, none. There is a general perception that I will keep up the same sort of work I’m doing now (e.g., writing snarky FAQ pages, spending time in Europe, watching shows that star Kristen Bell), but, should the mood strike me, I could finally pursue my second career as country-western hillbilly crooner.

Q. What do you intend to do with all that money, really?

A. The first check will not arrive until early next year. When it does, I expect to cash it, take it out in small bills, carry them home, fill up a bathtub with the winnings, and then roll around in it. Stuffing a mattress is also a high priority.

Q. Has winning the award measurably changed your life?

A. Not yet, but I do feel that my lifelong goal of finding a gold-digging trophy wife is finally within reach. And in the words of my friend, the New Deal Liberal, engineers have been called in to widen the doorway to my apartment, suddenly too small to accommodate my head.

Under construction, or “The Ego Has Landed”

And as is apparent, I remain not too proud to reference Robbie Williams. How European is that?

Q. I suppose you’re never coming back from Europe now?

A. I promised to bring my loyal readers an in-depth analysis of the cultural scene at Knoxville, Tennessee, and by God I’m going to deliver!

Q. Why does McDonald’s consistently outsell Burger King, when Burger King burgers actually taste like meat?

A. Look at Burger King’s signature sandwich: the Whopper™. What is their first instinct when preparing a Whopper™? They put mayonnaise on it. Enough said.

Q. But what about the Big Mac™? It has Thousand Island dressing! Isn’t that worse still?

A. First of all, many would say that the Quarter Pounder with Cheese™ is McDonald’s signature sandwich. But second of all, the Big Mac™ has “special sauce™”. It’s exotic, and it at least bears some resemblance to ketchup.

Q. Do you speak French?

A. No. Or should I say, non? I seem to be understanding it much better these days, but based on the expressions I generally get upon attempting to interact with people, what is coming out of my mouth is gibberish.

Q. Will history declare George W. Bush to be the worst president ever?

A. That question is too narrowly framed for a true historian. A more likely, and interesting, topic for discussion would be, “Is George W. Bush the single most catastrophic human being who has ever lived?”

Q. Is George W. Bush the single most catastrophic human being who has ever lived?

A. To quote Buffy the movie, “Does the word ‘duh’ mean anything to you?”

Q. Based on your recent experience, what is the biggest problem with technical support?

A. The governing assumption at technical support is that whoever is calling is an idiot. I suspect, as assumptions go, that is a pretty good one. But it does get tiresome, knowing that their first line of defense is to read the instructions manual to you. I would recommend that companies such as, say, Apple, issue some of their customers special pass cards that allow them to advance immediately beyond the first stage of assistance, intended for people and run by people who, left to their own devices, probably couldn’t turn a computer on, let alone diagnose an actual malfunction.

Q. Are croissants really better than Cornettos?

A. Refer to my response above, re: “Is George W. Bush the single most catastrophic human being who has ever lived?”

Q. Back by popular demand: Do you really have a street named after you?

A. That’s a silly idea.

Q. Nice to see the picture of the street sign, again. My question is: who is the mysterious “E. Walnut”, whose name accompanies yours? And who was the additional participant in the advertised “three way” (which is, I assume, American slang for those who cannot manage the usual French expression for the practice)?

Q. Where did you find a cardboard standup figure of Buffy for your Christmas card?

A. As if. Fans of the series Angel will recall the city where Buffy retired after Sunnydale no longer served as a viable real estate market. That’s all I’m going to say on this topic.

Q. Why do you like France so much?

A. Watch this video. If you still don’t get it, there’s no point in me trying to explain.

Q. Congratulations on the publication of the ‘Teaching and Learning’ book. My question concerns your choice of subject. Why were you and Prof. Vaughn so fascinated with the two-hour teaching slot before midday that you decided to write a whole book on it?

A. That question comes from my friend the Admiral in England (like my President, I am going to start giving everyone I know special nicknames. It is, I am told, quite amiable and endearing.) To answer your inquiry, Professor Vaughn and I felt that postprandial learning has been sufficiently studied, and early morning classes have received far too much attention of late, when the most satisfying intellectual discourse, in fact, occurs after a 10h00 coffee. Our book therefore fills an important niche in our understanding of how thoughts are formed during the Northern European school day.

Q. Was Colonel Sanders really a colonel?

A. In response, one might ask, “Is Elton John really a knight?” The answer: Yes, but I wouldn’t necessarily expect him to show up with a retinue to defend Buckingham Palace. Colonel Sanders attained honorary membership to the Kentucky Colonels when appointed by the governor of Kentucky in 1935. One becomes a Kentucky Colonel through nomination by a Colonel of good standing. Their ranks have included Winston Churchill, Joan Crawford, and Johnny Depp. Although the title carries no official duties or responsibilities, Colonel Harland Sanders began to wear a white suit and to carry a black cane, after the fashion of a traditional Kentucky gentleman — yet another example of his marketing genius.

Q. What is “Noodling”?

A. Noodling is a method of fishing, particularly for flathead catfish, without using any equipment other than one’s own arm. A “noodler” allows the fish to bite his or her arm and then pulls it to the surface. Because the flathead catfish can weigh fifty pounds, and in fact significantly more, the technique can prove quite dangerous, and noodlers will generally bring along seconds to prevent them from drowning. Noodling is especially popular in the state of Oklahoma, where an annual tournament occurs at Pauls Valley.

Q. Who is George Harvey Bone?

A. George Harvey Bone, or GHB, is the protagonist of the novel Hangover Square, as well as the film of the same name. Between the book and the movie he transformed himself from a fictional, mentally-disturbed drifter into a real-life, mentally-disturbed concert pianist, the events of whose life are grounded entirely in fact. In the aforementioned television series, under development, he will be a crime-solving schizophrenic concert pianist who may at times be investigating himself. That last bit (investigating himself) would have been a great idea, had Philip K. Dick not thought of it first.

Q. What are the ten best Buffy episodes of all time?

A. This tricky question comes to us here in Oklahoma all the way from across the Pond over there in England. Hmmmmm . . . . .

1. “Once More, With Feeling,” a.k.a., “Buffy the Musical” — no surprise there; still probably the greatest episode of any show ever.
2. “Becoming, parts 1 & 2” — end of Season 2; Buffy at its operatic best.
3. “Graduation Day, parts 1 & 2” — maybe a copout to list two season finales, but this is the one I would show people if trying to convince them to watch the whole series; plus it features Faith: yum
4. “Doppelgangland” — a.k.a., “Evil Willow,” yum-yum.
5. “Hush” — the silent episode; proves that the show doesn’t rely on its dialogue, though a true obsessive fan can fill in a lot of the blanks.
6. “Tough Love” — a controversial choice, I know, especially with its meandering opening scenes; but in truth, anything with Clare Kramer (“Glory”) deserves to make the list, and she is at her evil best here; the scene at the park bench never fails to make me scream.
7. “Lover’s Walk” — Spike was never better than in this, his lone appearance during Season 3.
8. “Villains” — the more I watch it, the more I think Season 6 was underrated: this episode has one of the greatest sight gags ever followed by one of the most shocking and gut-wrenching scenes ever; what more do you want?
9. “The Pack” — a nice, underrated low-budget entry from Season 1.
10. “The Prom” — sappy? yes, but try not to weep, especially if you have watched the previous 53 episodes.

Send me your questions, and check back frequently!!!