A winter evening in Osaka, it was drizzling outside and I estimated a long walk into downtown might be refreshing. Upon the approach of my fiftieth birthday this week I find myself thinking a lot about people I know and intimate relationships I experienced. Does intimacy make everyone selfish? Everyone seems to be fighting for emotional and psychological survival.

Being human, people are naturally vulnerable to ideals impressed upon them. Failure and shame is a natural byproduct when an inherited expectation can not be achieved. It strikes me that everyone probably experiences some kind of shame to overcome. I’m not alone in that way.

My righteous expectations of myself created a lot of stress as I reached for a false notion of a better place beyond my self. That other place is an illusion, but in the absence of idealism I am basically pathetic. Knowing and accepting that is a relief. When I accept that I am sort of pathetic I don’t need to worry about a lot of expectations. I’ll enjoy the compassion of friendship, discover new experiences and let myself get a little crazy.