So, allegedly I got Hepititis A. And my liver had issues and my eyes were yellow. I had felt terrible for a few weeks and was thinking about quitting my PhD because I had no energy even to get up and plan some fun activities with the kids. The diagnosis was reassuring and temporary. And it is better now. But a couple of things came out of this. Of course.

 

Once I figured out what was going on and met with the doctor - I talked to Teresa and her sister Stella who work in our house. And told them they might want to get a shot. So, I arranged for them to meet me at the doctor who could then explain the possibilities of getting an immune booster shot, the risks that are present and how the shot works. I met them about 8 pm in the pouring rain at the doctor. They were already wet because they had taken the bus and walked from the stop to the office. We met together and the doctor afterwards told me (in front of them):

    I explained to them that they are lucky. You are really nice            

    to get these shots for them. No one else would do this for                

    them.

I looked at Teresa and all I could think about is how difficult our first months were together. I am almost half her age, live in absolute luxury and was still crying and upset many days of my early time here. I had a temper and got frustrated all the time. I almost made her leave with my inability to communicate with her about what I wanted because I felt so guilty she was working for me. I was thinking about all of these things and at the same time, behind the doctor’s back was trying to give her a face that said that really, I was lucky to have her. But, I don’t know what got communicated. It ‘s those arbitrary but stringent divisiveness of economics and culture that I sometimes try hard to step over, like a puddle of water, but to no avail. They exist - strong and messy.

 

When the doctor was done, I turned to both of them and asked how they felt about the shot and if they still had worries or wanted to think about it. Exbarassed and laughing - she told me that she would come back in the morning. And she asked the doctor a few more questions.

It was still raining hard when we finished and I offered to drive them home. We started walking out to the car. Still under the car park covering, we noticed an umbrella. I asked them if it was theirs. They shrugged and said no. Then Teresa said

    Take it madam and go to the car.

    What are you going to do?

    Take it and we will come.

    No, we can share.

    It’s okay.

    No , you take it.

    No madam you should take it and go. Then we will come.

    Why? No let’s both share.

 

Then I just stood there in the rain with the umbrella until they came under it and there was a lot of giggling as we made our way to the car. Then, I left them with the umbrella and ran to the other side of the car.

I don’t know if I told the story very well but it felt strange and sad. I felt at one moment self-righteous that I was a better white person sharing my umbrella with them and horrified that we were even having the conversation in the first place. Obviously because of the cultural context and my actions - she assumed I would take it. And that made me rethink how I was treating her.

She works so hard and is so loyal to her family and has raised her children. But I know that the situation we exist in and the very relationship we have (no matter how much it has improved) is not an equal one and I cannot pretend that inequality and disparity do not exist. The umbrella only made me confront how deep the obligation she has to defer to me. And how her positioning places her in a situation to think about me before her own health, her own self. At the same time, I know she also thinks she can handle more than me. Which is also fair - she works hard and has a lot of knowledge about how to live and survive in India.

Then, of course I started thinking and still find myself worndering about umbrellas in the US, in India. Who has them and who doesn’t. It is not as simple as the haves and have nots. Each of those categories can be broken down further.

Have - but deserve it

Have but believe don’t deserve it and waiting for it to go

Have but feel obligated to help and give away

Have but just got it so holding on really strongly

Have not but would if they could

Have not and don’t want it

Have not and think that is just the way it is

and on and on.

Sometimes we talk about the poor as one group with one of two solutions - to let them figure it out or offer assistance. But becuase people are complicated it seems like the political argument between these two approaches are simplistic and insulting to the comxity of people who live poor and even for people who are not poor, but barely not poor.

My continued thinking here is that people with money have to have relationships of give and take with people in poverty or who are barely getting by. Theresa helps me so much and she has exihibited so much patience that I find myself trying to find ways to serve her back. It is not an equal relationship by any means but it is respectful - which is really different from what it was when I first got here. And after all, monsoon season is almost here.

 

 

P.S. turns out I didn’t have hepatitis. only some liver virus.