Intentional Growing of Relationships

“The heart of successful inclusion is relationships.”

Sapon Shevin, 2007.

We used to think we could drop any pupil into a mainstream school, setting or community and they would just make friends and everything would be just great. We now know this is not true. For inclusion to be a reality we will often have to work intentionally to create the conditions in which relationships can flourish and grow. The more complex or challenging the young person is, the more planning and preparation will be needed.

Gardeners will recognise the need to prepare the soil thoroughly before planting a delicate seedling. Much effort will be needed to ensure the soil is free of tangling weeds that would choke the seedling, that the soil is sufficiently moist and full of the correct nutrients. Once seedlings have been planted the attentive gardener will want to make sure that the right conditions continue, but ultimately the gardener will stand back, go inside and leave the seedling to do its growing.

The same is true of relationship building. We must plan for and prepare the way especially when someone’s needs are complex or their behaviour is challenging.

What do we do as parents of typical children when we wish to intentionally build and foster friendships and relationships in their lives?

We might approach other parents to strengthen an invitation to other children to our home. We make sure that the best DVD that everyone is into is going to be played and that pizza (or another child friendly food) is going to be available. When the children arrive, do we sit with our own child as the DVD is viewed and pizza eaten? No! We back off. The preparation work has been done, the conditions set and we will only spoil things if we stay. We retreat from the room in the hope that the conditions we have created will help foster the relationships in the room. We have intentionally tried to build relationships.

The greater the relationship challenge -  the more creative and light touch we need to be. Circle time, community circles, circles of friends, restorative conversations, and gathering around interests.

None of us can ever make other people become friends with each other. But we can set favourable conditions and then see what happens.

Colin Newton

www.inclusive-solutions.com