Someone recently asked me what I’m afraid of and it kind of stumped me because fear isn't something prevelant in my life. I am not one who backs down when faced with fear. When I'm aware of fear, it doesn't paralyze me; it propels me. I've always responded quickly to dares, challenges, and anything that might invoke fear, because I'm an adrenaline junkie and facing fear invokes adrenaline as you create an opportunity for, and experience, victory. And who does't want to celebrate more of that? As a matter of fact, I've done things such as jump off cliffs, rock climb, fight in Toughmen competitions, and make it to the final cut of the casting for Fear Factor, all because I actually get a thrill from facing fear.

When it comes to sharing myself honestly, regardless of how I'm received, or bigger still, when it came to Jonnae's relapses and her inevident death (or what I call her Heavenly Birth) I wasn't afraid, because "Fear activates the enemy; Faith activates God". Jonnae and I used that quote while she battled leukemia. Fear and Faith do not coexist, it's one or the other. Fear is a closed door on God: an open one for the enemy.  When thought of that way, the choice is easy for me to close the door on fear, and open the door for faith and God!!!

It took me a while to think of where fear might be present in my life right now, but it's become obvious. It was pretty much staring me in the face. Once I could see it for what it was, it was easy to take the leap of faith and leave the fear behind. I gotta tell you, it feels fantastic. So wish I had been able to see it for what it was before.

I've been stuck when it comes to getting the journal I kept, as Jonnae was crossing over, published. It was fear that was holding me back from what I know to be one of God's biggest plans for me. I was afraid of what emotions might come up as I went back to edit it. I was afraid of the mistakes I might make in finding the right people to work with me on it. I was afraid I would make a wrong turn or poor decision. Once I put the fear label on the hold up, just as any other time I've reacted to what I know to be fear, I faced it head on and activated faith.

"If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through, you must. Otherwise, you'll just be rearranging furniture in rooms you've already been in". Anne Lamott

I've made some big decisions this week. Over the last several months, I hadn't realized what I had done was lock myself in the room of fear.  However, I did know I needed God to provide me with an open door. I've been praying for it for weeks. What's occured to me, is that He's provided one, but I had been avoiding going through it. I feared going back and editing the book, because I didn't want to relive everything all over again. Thank goodness I got bored and fed up with rearranging the furniture. I opened that scary door and see a BIG BEAUTIFUL dream becoming reality.  In addition, as I've gone back and revisited the first month after relapse and the last month of Jonnae's earthly life,  I've been reminded of the strength and peace that comes from F.R.O.G. (F.ully R.elying O.n G.od)

(Gotta break away to share the blessings that surround me everytime I'm at a school function, as occurred last night at the high school ballgame. Teenagers all around me that wear the purple I GET TO bracelets and orange (the schools color) bands that say JONNAE and FROG on them. One girl yesterday had, (I guess during the school day) written FROG on her hand with a pen. Jonnae's legacy surrounds me. Can you imagine how blessed I continue to be, as I see the difference this child has made in her school mates? This book will continue to take that ripple wider than it already is)

"The trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk more!" Erica Jong.

That quote pretty much sums it up perfectly for me. I've been afraid to risk, therefore the book hadn't gotten any closer to being published. At least with risk of opening the door, I'm making steps forward. As a matter of fact, Monday I have a meeting with the book cover artist and within 3 months, the book will be printed. I may make a few mistakes a long the way, but atleast I'm going to have done what I know God has wanted me to do. No more waiting, no more being held up in a room called fear.

Next week will be the one year anniversary of Bill Phillips coming to the house, asking me to be on Team Transformation, and surprising Jonnae with her dream car. Next month will be the one year mark of her Heavenly Birth. I'm not afraid to go back and relive those memories. Joyful and sorrowful, they are full of blessings accentuated with strength from F.R.O.G. (Full Reliance On God). What's to fear when you know how to activate FAITH!!!!!