this is just to say
I’ve got something I need to share.
My mom is an alcoholic. Wine, specifically. She went through rehab - once in a hospital and once at a really really fancy silly place in California. Neither worked for longer than a couple of weeks.
For the last 12 days or so I have been at her house in Massachusetts helping her recover from back surgery. She says she fell because she tripped over the dog. I know she fell because she was drunk.
She’s always drunk. First thing in the morning until bedtime. She tells me the same things over and over again, typically incredibly unimportant things like how the gutter cleaners have to come back because they didn’t get all the leaves out of the front gutter.
She hasn’t worked in ten years (she has the money to do that) so she has absolutely nothing of substance or interest to say. She deals with this problem by being a pathological liar.
I’m not supposed to know she still drinks. Rehab #2 is still working, according to her. It’s obvious to everyone, but no one says anything - why bother?
I sat and listened to her lie about everything from bills she’s paid (which I can still see sitting on the counter) to how much money she’s spent on clothing (her closet and the closet in my old room are FILLED with clothes that still have the tag on).
She only really started drinking about seven years ago, when I was 21, so this is kind of new for me. Several of my in-laws are in AA as was one of my best friends, so I’m familiar with the program... but that doesn’t help the situation any.
Lately I’ve been struggling with the guilt of wanting to help more and the honest realization that absolutely NOTHING I do will make a difference. I have to sit back and watch my mother kill herself - which is kind of ironic, seeing as how many alcoholics live for sixty years without liver failure. She may just yet outlive us all.
I’m sharing this with you guys because I’ve seen my blog entries go from once a week to once every other month, and I don’t think that’s right. Also, I have been amazed at how many people share a similar story. When I brought this up briefly on Ravelry I got an outpouring of “Yep, I’ve got a drinking parent too.”
You all have been incredibly supportive through every moment of this blog, and I should trust you all enough to tell you - I don’t think I’m strong enough for this.
And yet... I can’t abandon her. Whatever else she is - she’s still my mother.
So. There you have it. That was cathartic. Sorry for the downer. I promise I’ll post about my knitting soon, but there were days at my mother’s house that I was so miserable I didn’t even *want* to knit. And that was even more depressing.
To my friends on Ravelry - thank you for your concern and your kind wishes. I’ll be back soon. To my blog commenters, readers and friends - sorry I’ve been MIA.
The good news? I’m singing the national anthem, with my a cappella group, at the roller derby tonight. How fun is that? If we get a video I’ll share the link.
Much love,
KM
the knit mongrel
Saturday, January 26, 2008