by Michael J. Rosen and Mark Allen Svede

Originally published in the Chicago Tribune.

Over the years on the weekend after Thanksgiving, we have debriefed with scores of friends and concluded that certain subjects inevitably cause strife and indigestion, just when the turkey’s L-tryptophane should be lulling everyone into a companionable stupor. To ease the tension of these family reunions (already rife with seat-arrangement anxiety, dietary backsliding, and longstanding slights and favoritism), we’ve proposed two lists: first, topics to avoid if you wish to uphold the spirit of Thanksgiving; and second, topics to introduce if said restrictions turn the table so sullen and silent that everyone notices Aunt Sylvia doing a number on the turkey neckbone.

As a rough indicator of how you fared this holiday season, give yourself one point for each benevolent topic you manage to bring to the table; two, for each dicey topic that you managed to avert. This is much easier, if not statistically fussier, than hooking up the home blood pressure test kit.

Topics to avoid at the holiday table:

•  Blessings where everyone needs to be mentioned in a caring and sharing kind of way.

•  Gloating over recent Election Day victories (particularly those you had nothing to do with).

•  Pointing out the thoughtful excavation of the serving dish from the stash of previous years’ gifts.

•  Bunions, the pros and cons of seeing chiropodists.

•  How much the fresh, free-range bird cooked to Bon Appétit’s specifications tastes just like the new turkey club at Blimpie’s. Also avoid: “Why don’t we try a tofurkey next year since that’s more humane?” ... unless you’re prepared to discuss humane to whom.

•  Free professional advice from the lawyer/doctor/chiropodist at the table.

•  Anything with the word “middle” (___East, ___child, one’s own).

•  Dogs begging at the table: totally okay versus not at all. Cat stories longer than mere observation. Any mention of reptiles.

•  What America means to me, particularly if you’re from Texas or Florida.

•  The fairness of post-season Bowl game invitations.

•  The inheritance, the supposed inheritance, living wills, how much [fill in aged relative]’s wedding ring alone is worth.

•  Perennial, unwinnable debate topics such as Equal versus Sweet ‘n’ Low, real versus artificial Christmas trees, medium-rare versus well-done, Batman versus Superman, etc.

•  Whether or not it’s fair that [fill in] has to smoke outside.

•  Making phone calls just to use up minutes on your cell phone. Borrowing someone’s cell phone so you don’t go over your plan’s remaining minutes for the month.

•  Gas, indigestion, bloating, eructation, whether or not you’ve unbuckled/unzipped your pants or plan on giving up carbohydrates next month.

•  “How’s that job search going?” “What’s it feel like to turn 50?” (Especially when posed to the same person.)

•  Recent graduates of rehab programs or, worse, their refresher courses.

•  E-mailing thank-you notes: acceptable or not?

•  Are they really doing body cavity searches on the Peace Bridge coming from Canada?

Safe topics for Thanksgiving

(also known as “how to play in the shallow end”):

•  Traffic on the way here (i.e., “How was the drive/ice/speed traps?” “Did you see the new Krispy Kreme just off our exit? Hey, is that why you’re not eating?”)

•  The extra place setting for [fill in relative’s name] who said they were going to be coming late from another Thanksgiving but obviously just doesn’t value family.

•  The weather, hotties on the Weather Channel, when the Weather Channel didn’t even have commercials, etc.

•  Is that Butterball pop-up thermometer-thing reliable?

•  What does the ‘e’ stand for in E coli.

•  Coyotes encroaching upon suburban backyards. (Do not allow anyone to pass around the dark, blurry photo of what’s clearly a stray dog. End discussion before someone riffs, “A dingo stole my baby!”)

•  Comparing the gravy to how Grandma used to make it...unless hers included contraband such as sausage drippings.

•  The past summer’s garden yield; what to do with green tomatoes; how chutney’s not really an option except maybe on tofurkey.

•  The next day’s shopping, including how ungodly early Toys ‘R’ Us will be opening. Debate the cachet of any gift bearing the “Dress Barn” label...shoot, why not “Skirt Trough”!

•  Fresh versus frozen [fill in anything].

•  “Too much sage in the dressing?” “Too much allspice in the pie?” “Anyone notice I substituted Cool Whip this year for whipped cream (or vice versa)?”

•  How the carpet’s still a little damp from the steamcleaner you rented at the hardware store.

•  Is it worth buying toilet paper in 24-packs the size of bank safes just because CostCo has them for cheap?

•  How come airlines always serve cold red wine but warm soft drinks? And why is it tomato juice doesn’t really get cold, no matter how much ice you use?

•  The teenage cashier who didn’t know what a parsnip was. And then, and then pronounced ‘anise’ (also known as fennel) ‘anus.’ [snort! snort!]

•  The new cat (that kind of looks like the old cat but it really is a new one).

•  How the sweet potatoes were sort of what Emeril did on his show except without all the kicked-up-a-notch macadamia nuts since they were out of that at the Safeway.

•  How to pronounce “chiropodist” or “duchy” or other words you might see or read but never have occasion to say. (Prepare to be the butt of future Thanksgiving jokes, either for your fumbled attempt or your egg-headed vocabulary.)

•  That time your ex-sister-in-law left the giblet packet inside the turkey.

•  “Someone has new eye glasses!” (with the recovery “Has it really been four years?”)

•  So what if [fill in name]’s birthday is so close to the holidays, one nice gift is enough.

•  Martha Stewart in prison: three kinds of pie or just desserts?

•  “Whoever helps with the clean-up [pause to scan table] the china with the gold band can’t go in the dishwasher.”

•  How [fill in name of relative who has fallen asleep on the couch] looks like [Della Reese and/or Jackie Gleason].

If, despite your best manipulative efforts, conversation veers toward the taboo, immediately deploy one of these potent derailers (and add 3 points to your score if one succeeds):

•  “Time to break the wishbone, where’s Grandpa?”

•  “Are cranberries really good for yeast infections?”

•  “I’ll meet you at the bike racks outside, and we’ll settle this later.”