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Dear Answer Man,
I have found that even though I shower daily, and wash behind my ears, I still stink behind the ears by the end of every night. This is effecting the amount of sweet nothings I get whispered in my ear and causing me much distress. What's up wit dat?
Slumping love life in Mpls.
Dear Slumping,
A quick glance at my, "Handbook of Auricular Pathology & Alchemy" (dated 1453), revealed that your symptoms may be the result of a rare disorder known in the medical community as Diabolos l'Oreilles or Devil Ears. However, there is no need to worry! The handbook also describes, step-by-step, the treatment for your disease.
The first step of your cure begins with several hours of self-flagellation. Beating yourself about the head, neck and back with a leather strap, (preferably a cat-o'-nine-tails) will get the purification process off to a good start.
Next, apply leeches to the effected areas. Let 'em get good and plump. The bigger the better, I always say!
You'll want to then open a convenient vein and rid yourself of what is obviously contaminated blood. BE VERY CAREFUL DURING THIS STAGE OF YOUR TREATMENT (stains are difficult, if not impossible, to remove).
Once you've begun to feel a chill, and perhaps a bit dizzy, you're ready to scrape the back of your ears with a small adz, or like tool, until you have removed several layers of offending flesh.
Finally, have the Pope bless your ears to cast out any residual evil and that should do it!
If none of this works, try sleeping on a pillow that isn't encrusted with layers of your own dried bodily fluids. This should should put you back on "sweet nothings" street in no time at all. Thank you for writing.
Dear Answer Man,
How long can you hold your breath?
Purple in Peoria
Dear Purple,
An intriguing question that deserves a precise answer. In order to answer your question I've collected a few items from around the house. I have a very accurate stop watch, nose plugs, a plastic bag from a local dry cleaning establishment and two sets of handcuffs.
I've placed the nose plugs over my nostrils and handcuffed myself to my desk chair so that I am able to reach the keyboard. However, I am unable to raise or maneuver my hands more than just a few inches. Next, I've arranged an apparatus that will allow me to thrust my head into the dry cleaning bag while simultaneously activating the stop watch. Now, I will begin the test by inserting my head into the plastic bag holding apparatus.
There... It's somewhat difficult to see the words on the monitor through this bag, but I definitely have succeeded in cutting off my air supply. The stop watch now reads thirty seconds.
This test is much less arduous than I anticipated as I notice the watch now reads one minute, twenty five seconds. Two minutes have passed and I'm beginning to feel somewhat uncomfortable. Two minutes fifteen seconds and I believe it's time to remove the bag from my head. I can't reach my hands. Sweet Jesus, I can't reach my hands! Okay okay don't panic. Three minutes. Three minutes and three seconds. I'm starting to see colors. SOMEBODY GET THIS BAG OOFF MY HAED!!!@!!!, Sparky, is that you fella? What a gud dag you are.a but yourrrrrrrr'r'r dead d .....HERE SPARKYAA. HELP ME! COME ONAA ABA?OY!!! FOR THE LOLVE OF GOd Helpa ema THANk you ofrrr riting.ffffffffffffffff dmmmaaaaaa;;er?;d,lM ....
Dear Answer Man,
I don't think you're real.
Someone in Champaign
Dear Challenging,
You are mistaken.
Thank you for writing.
Dear Answer Man,
I'm toying with the idea of watching wrestling (or wrasslin') on TV but I need some guidance. I don't know which wrestling organization I should watch. I can't watch all of them because sometimes they are on at the same time. Recording one while watching another is not an option because I don't have the extra time (might take away from my Internet porn surfing). So my problem is obvious: should I use regular- or super-unleaded gasoline?
Just sign me,
Smelling What The Rock Is Cooking
Dear Smelling,
My familiarity with the wrestling world is limited to the Greco-Roman tradition that I practiced as a youth. For this reason I have consulted several experts on this topic that I discovered while doing volunteer work at a local medium security detention center.
Judging from the tone of your query, I assumed that you were mainly interested in, and would be most gratified by, the quasi-Homo-erotic nature of the sport. My panel of experts all agreed that you would be better served by viewing men's beach volleyball, figure skating, or stock car racing, rather than professional wrestling.
In fact, one gentleman on my panel was extremely interested in receiving as much information as he could about you. He expressed a great deal of enthusiasm as he considered the prospect of exploring your mutual interests on a much deeper level following his impending release from incarceration. I have forwarded both the e-mail and home address you provided. You should anticipate hearing from him soon.
Also, I found your non sequitur concerning regular or super-unleaded gasoline a bit frustrating until I reasoned that it was indeed the logical conclusion to your question. The answer you seek is regular. There's no need to incur additional expense when cooking rocks. Thank you for writing.
Dear Answer Man:
My cat has acquired a taste for Ultra SlimFast Rich Chocolate Royale meal replacement drink. Is this good for her?
Puzzled in P-town
Dear Puzzled,
The question here is how you plan on preparing your cat. It is, after all, barbecue season and a rich diet of Ultra Slimfast Chocolate Royale would provide the requisite fat layer that makes kitty taste so darn good when served with a tangy sauce. However, if you have plans for an elegant casserole I recommend you maintain your feline's standard bill of fare. A lean pussy means that his/her flesh will be more amenable to other flavors you combine it with. Bon appétit! Thank you for writing.
Dear Answer Man:
I bought some new socks to wear with my work boots and they're quite comfortable. However, they leave an unacceptable level of sock fuzz all over my feet. I've accepted the fact that I always have to check my belly button for lint, but I don't think I can deal with the feet issue as well. What can I do?
Perplexed in Peoria
Dear Perplexed,
Believe it or not there has been much scientific discourse on the subject of your question. You may be familiar with the work of Dr. Reilly Eetchie, a leader in the field of errant fuzz accumulation. His work dealing with paper residue as it relates to the human excretory orifice was ground breaking. However among his more esoteric works were studies focusing on sock fuzz.
The easiest way I can distill this information into layman's terms would be to make some assumptions about your condition. For example, I'm going to assume that you are a male. To to go a step further, I'll assume that you possess some modicum of body hair. We have now laid a foundation upon which Dr. Eetchie's theories may be applied. Essentially the good Dr. states that you are a victim of interaction between new sock fuzz and your body hair. As you move, new sock fuzz is distributed about your person by your body hair. In fact, if you were to remove your clothes while sitting at your desk, at the midpoint of your day, you would notice large deposits of new sock fuzz distributed to every area of your corpus (a neat experiment everyone should try at least once). Eventually all fuzz returns to it's starting point at the feet. I have no idea just how hirsute an individual your are, but the more hair you have, the more fuzz you'll get. Therefore, the solution to your problem is quite simple. Shave every inch of your body. Thank you for writing.
Dear Answer Man:
When are 50 Naked Midgets coming back to Springfield?
Looney in Long Creek
Dear Looney,
I know that all my more diminutive friends prefer to be called, "Little People". That aside, the answer to your question isn't as simple as you might imagine. There's a great deal involved with moving naked little people around. The logistics alone boggle the mind. Then there are permits to get and public health inspections to perform. Not to mention the fact that someone has to clean off all the vinyl seats after the bus arrives. It can be a real mess. However, I'm sure you'll agree that all the trouble is certainly worth it when 50 naked midgets come together. So to answer you'll question, 50 naked midgets will return to Springfield as soon as Springfield completes 50 Naked Midgets Stadium in mid-September (I hope it's not too chilly when the time comes). Thank you for writing.
Dear Answer Man:
Does Rowenta make an eyelash curler? I am in need of a high quality professional curler.
Flat Lashed in Illinois
Dear Flat Lashed,
I receive thousands of questions a day. Among those, I occasionally am asked a question that I suspect may be an attempt to mock the Answer Man and his beliefs. I'm torn. Do I answer Flat Lashed's question, resolving a personal issue that just may possibly be a turning point in his/her life? Or do I tell this flat lashed loser to go stuff his or her self with a gasoline suppository and sit on a lit sparkler? I will take the high road, in this case and recommend a web site that I recently discovered. www.appliancesnob.com. It's chock full of the latest and greatest Rowenta products including the Rowenta Aromatherapy Prostate Spa and, of course, the Rowenta Eyelash Curler/Expander/Fluffer/Waxer. Thank you for writing.
Dear Answer Man:
Why do all of your answers have to be so gross? Rashes, raw meat and mold? Come on. Can't you do better than that?
Weirded Out in Wisconsin
Dear Weirded Out,
I see your point. There does seem to be a common thread that runs through my responses. However, I must point out that sometimes the world is a place that simply refuses to jibe with the sensibilities of Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Average. The world is indeed a gross place. A good example would be the time I was eating Vienna Sausages right from the can. I was chewing when suddenly I... WAIT! I'm doing it again, aren't I? Sorry about that, Weirded Out. Maybe your stomach would quiet down a bit if you wrote to my personal friend, Ann Landers. Oh, and tell her Answer Man thinks she left a pair of her "unmentionables" in his hot tub last New Year's Eve. Thank you for writing.
Dear Answer Man:
I'm allergic to latex, but I'm forced to wear latex gloves to protect myself from the toxic chemicals that I work with every day. Are there any alternatives on the market?
Blistering in Buffalo
Dear Blistering,
First of all, how dare you cast aspersions upon one of mankind's greatest achievements: latex! I, myself, can't imagine a world without it. Secondly, how do you know the chemicals you are working with really are toxic? Perhaps you don't need gloves at all! My goodness, if we all started wearing protective clothing every time we thought something was harmful how would humans have discovered the joy a nice, festering rash in the right places can provide? I suggest you apply some of these chemicals to a small, sensitive portion of your body for a period of months and see what develops. In fact, if you already know latex will do the trick, you might want to consider taping a few gloves beneath your clothing on a daily basis. Thank you for writing.
Dear Answer Man:
What do you do if your baby smells?
Stinky in Stoughton
Dear Stinky,
There's not a lot you can do. Allow the child to fester until a non-aromatic mold forms on the exterior of the babe's body. Then simply scrape the mold and dispose of the residue. Thank you for writing.