4/8/03
Centcom war update in the next hour.
That's what I read at the bottom of the screen as I watched CNN a few days ago. I thought to myself, "That's horrible. What company would directly sponsor reporting on the war and what network would accept those kind of advertising dollars?"
As most of you already know Centcom is shorthand for Central Command.
My reaction to what I saw on CNN is just another reminder that I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I'm constantly making these kind of misjudgments, miscalculations and bone-headed mistakes. Thankfully I'm usually able to spot errors I've made and correct them before anyone notices. Usually...
My lack of smarts is always there but really comes out to play when I'm nervous or I'm trying to impress someone. I know this is typically the case for everyone; but I am a master. I remember when I was working a show and I approached one of our competitors to make conversation. He was using a multi-tool to open boxes. He seemed a little annoyed by my presence so I tried to offer a compliment. "That's a really nice multi-tool. I wish I had thought to bring one. How'd you get it past security at the airport?"
The guy paused and a you're joking, right? expression spread across his face. "I, uh, checked it in my luggage," he said much like that Muppet in a trench coat that always is trying to sell Ernie a letter on Sesame Street.
Riiiiiiiight.
I'm not sure why that example came to mind. Why I chose to tell you about that incident rather than the time I peed on an electric fence I'm not sure. After all, the time when my, then ten-year-old nephew, Kyle, had to show me a simple card trick at least eleven times before I understood how he did it is a much better illustration of just how dumb I am. Most people in the room figured it out the second time Kyle performed the trick. Everyone had it by the third. Everyone, that is, except me (ask me to show you this trick sometime and I'm sure you'll agree that I'm a dim-bulb).
As much as I'd like to try and get away with it, admitting that I'm not very smart is no excuse for the bad behavior that is often the result of me being dumb. I sometimes say mean things to my wife under the guise of trying to be cute or funny. That's dumb. The cumulative effect of these dumb comments sometimes makes me seem more cruel than stupid. I'd much rather be stupid. Even though Deb knows, better than anyone, the depth and breadth of my stupidity I still hope she also knows that I'd never intentionally hurt her feelings.
Unless she really gets under my skin. Then all bets are off.
The point is I must accept the cards I've been dealt. I have to work harder than you to avoid doing dumb things. Like the time I was in, what I thought was, an empty classroom and let go of one of the biggest, loudest farts I've ever expressed in my life. I turned around and saw a really cute girl sitting directly behind me. The shell-shocked, slack-jawed look on her face was one that I unfortunately won't forget.
Basic math, grammar, punctuation, general hygiene, historical facts, dates, common sense rules that would allow me to retain a complete set of fingers and toes throughout my entire lifespan all elude me. But I do know this: I sure do like crisp bacon.