DAMN THE TORE SPEEDOS!

“They were my old ones, from last year, so they were too small, and the seat was worn out. You can see how I’m taking these careful little baby steps as I line up, on the video. But as soon as I hit the water I could tell. They just kinda gave out.”

“Um, no. Who told you I won? I came in 6th. I’ve never won. Not at this level. I’m a pretty good swimmer, but some of these guys, they’re just like, really fast. Seriously. But it was a good time, for me, a personal best.”

Well, that’s a kind of victory, for you, Isn’t it?

“Yeah, sure. Almost. I mean, I’ve had faster times in practice, but not actually, an official time in competition. I probably could have, but my coach doesn’t put me in a lot. It’s hard to stay at peak, when you might not even swim. I try, but, you know. I’m sort of a back up if somebody gets hurt or something--probably why my old trunks were worn out, from sitting most of the time. I like to swim, and I really try to do my best, but it’s not the only thing, for me. I don’t feel like someone has to be the best at something, or else don’t even do it. Lately I’ve been really getting into--well, never mind. I guess if it’s supposed to be like I’m totally dedicated to just winning swim meets, I’m sorry, sports fans. Sorry, devotees of high school intramural athletics. Sorry you had to see my scrawny butt out there.

  I guess I wish it had been backstroke instead of freestyle. Because I have a better backstroke, and everything. But, oh well. 

   Could you do me a favor, and-- if you’re going to print this--don’t do one of those dumb pun headlines. I hate those. For me that would be even worse than having my trunks split open at a meet.

Sure.

Ed. note: Our 2nd string reporters don’t write their own headlines, and can make no guarantees, express or implicit, about whether they may contain puns.