As we know from Freud, there are no jokes.
(title of a story by Muriel Spark)
Non-jokes
What do you get when you cross a horse with a donkey?
A mule.
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Yo mama’s underarms are so hairy it looks like she has somebody in a headlock. Oh. She does have somebody in a headlock. Never mind.
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What’s a vampire’s favorite motel?
Best Western. It’s not clear why.
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Where does the Scooby gang get pizza? Rizza Rut? Ramous Ray’s? Rapa Ron’s?
Sam’s Pizza.
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How do you make a dog go “meow?”
Freeze it, then put it in a machine or something that makes it go “meow.”
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A rope goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. Bartender says Sorry, we don’t serve ropes. The Rope leaves, and he starts getting mad. He gets so mad he gets tangled up and his ends start to unravel. So he goes back in and orders a drink again. Bartender says Aren’t you a rope? And don’t say you’re a frayed knot, I’ve heard it. Rope says Yes, I ‘m a rope, and perhaps you’ve also heard of my attorney, Gary Becker. The bartender recognizes the name as someone with a reputation for acting aggressively on behalf of their clients. And he pours the drink.
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How many UPS supervisors does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he or she is usually required to have a union worker present as a watcher when performing work. There are some exceptions, like if they had a lot of people call in sick that day. They have an hour, or something. You should ask Paul. He keeps up with that stuff.
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Yo mama’s so stupid, she keeps getting into these bad situations, and one wants to help, but it’s always something with her, and people have their own problems.
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A man goes into a bar and claims his dog can talk. He asks it What’s the top of a house? The dog says Roof. You got your shingles, shake, roll roofing Um. Built up roofs. I don’t really know much about it, but I think the building codes vary from place to place, because of climate. Reminds me, I probably need to check my gutters.
Then he asks How does sandpaper feel? The dog says Rough. Well, generally, but there’s different grades, some are pretty fine. I usually get those sample packs with different sheets.
Who’s the greatest home run hitter? The dog says Oh, no, you aren’t going to drag me into that whole thing. Look, without getting into the issue of steroids, there are a lot of factors, variables, different ways you could look at it. Height of the mound, weight of the ball, things have changed over the years. The number of at-bats--not just the record. There was an article about it in Forbes a few issues back.
The people throw them out on the curb. The dog sighs, then says Don’t start with me.
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An alien came down to earth. To fit in, he repeated everything he heard people say.
First he saw a little boy learning to ride a bike saying “I did it! I did it!” So he said “I did it! I did it!” Then he walked by a cafeteria and heard “Forks and knives, forks and Knives!” So he said “Forks and knives! Forks and knives!”
Then he saw somebody who’d been murdered, and a policeman said “Who did this?”
So the alien said “Who did this?”
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A man with a paralyzed arm went into a church and prayed Please God, make my arm like the other one.
God thought Nah, too easy.
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What’s black and white and red all over?
Did you mean: What’s black and white and read all over?
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