Economy forcing businesses to make drastic cutbacks

The roar of world events seems to fade into the distance as the world’s attention is riveted to the forceful ranting of an unsteady man on a sidewalk.

The recent speech included little in the way of plans, specifics, or syllables that can be identified as forming words, but the man’s tone and his central message seem to have resonated with so many listeners, yearning to be guaranteed something, by someone. And for many of these listeners the man’s inebriation is clearly a non-issue.

It is unclear whether the promise may involve an “un-indicted co-conspirator” or something about being on a diet, followed by coughing. Speculative interpretations of the speech are inflaming bitter disagreements on all sides.

Several prominent Dylanologists have interrupted an ongoing, exhaustive attempt to determine the correct lyrics to the song Santa Fe, from The Basement Tapes, to study the drunken guarantee statement. While there is no definitive finding as yet, several analysts have reached a tentative consensus that “the guy was revv’d up like a deuce.”  Anonymous sources suggest the guarantee was actually a warning, having something to do with ‘a baboon, on the right.”

Art expertise grows more precise

Hundreds of years ago the secrets of the old masters were technically advanced enough to capture the very souls and spirits of their subjects. But those spirits have mostly stayed corked up, because our methods of releasing them simply aren’t as advanced. Generally speaking, our understanding of portraits has stayed at about the level of looking at at mug shots. We just look at the pictures, with nothing like fingerprinting, fiber analysis, or DNA evidence to go on.

   Although experts were not certain who the woman was, it was believed that looking at the portrait told us a great deal about her. For example, we knew that she was forty years old, because there’s some writing on the picture that says so. Her clothing indicate she was a member of the prosperous middle class. Her dress is sober and conservative, in keeping with Calvinist religious beliefs in Holland at the time. Calvinism discouraged outward shows of wealth and status.

   So it seemed, for centuries, until these newer methods of examining the eyes developed, deepening our understanding. It turns out she was not forty, but forty-three. Apparently there was some sort of misunderstanding.  She was actually a member of the less prosperous lower middle class, but was dressed up in this portrait in the fashionable style of sober conservative clothing that didn’t show off one’s wealth or status, to make people think she was wealthier, and had more status.

   For hundreds of years viewers have gazed at this picture, without any advanced methods like we have today, and must have felt that they could almost see what this woman was thinking, in a particular moment, long ago. Now we know. Loosely translated, and in the parlance of our time, it was this:

“I have no idea why that old dude had a sack of wooden boobs, but it made us giggle.”

Neanderthal speaks after 28 thousand years

Dr. Robert McCarthy of Florida Atlantic University has attempted to replicate the sound of Neanderthal voice, using the fossil record to reconstruct vocal tracts and generate a recording with a computer synthesizer. Click on the audio file below to hear the voice.

                               http://www.fau.edu/explore/media/FAU-neanderthal.wav

McCarthy says that Neanderthals lacked “quartal vowels” and that this would have limited their speech, as they would be unable to distinguish between words like “bit” and “beat.”

We have this exclusive interview.

--You know, this has to be one of the most fantastic and rare opportunities in the history of journalism.  It’s so exciting. Really, a once in a lifetime event. And so, for myself--and I think I speak for all of us--I want to start off just by thanking you. Thank you so much for talking with us.

--Eh.

--I have to ask-- Neandertal? Neanderthal? Do you have any preference about the spelling or pronunciation?

--Eh.

--Neanderthals disappeared mysteriously nearly 30,000 years ago, and so, I think the big question is What happened? And was it something that we--our ancestors, were responsible for?  Do you want to talk about that?

-- (pause) Eh.

--As you may know, the word “neanderthal” is sometimes used today in a pejorative sense, to describe someone who is crude, not very intelligent, or hopelessly old-fashioned. How do you feel about the word being used that way?

--Eh.

--Something that often comes up in the research is whether there was any significant inter-breeding between our ancestors, the Cro-Magnon, and Neanderthals, and whether mating was even possible, in terms of procreating.  So let me ask, was there any interbreeding, between us, that you would describe as significant?

--(shrug) Eh.

-- The actress Daryl Hannah depicted a scene like that, among some of her other odd career choices, in the movie “Clan of the Cave Bear.” But what I still can’t believe is they cast her as Morticia in one of the The Addams Family movies.  Daryl Hannah? What the hell? The woman who played Lilith, Frasier’s wife, from Cheers would’ve been a great Morticia.

--Eh.

--Oh! Come  on, you’re kidding. She’d be perfect, for that. Anyway, we’re out of time. Thanks again for talking with us.

--My pleasure.

Trouble at Beakman Place?

Louisville, Ky

Story by James Miller, and Frederic Smith Miller

Dear Nate, We’re hearing a lot about rings this week--the five rings of the Olympic Games, which used to be about warring nations stopping their wars during the games and letting everyone who wanted to participate enter the games. Now it’s mostly about selling stuff.

  Your question’s simplest answer is yes, both inside and outside [signed] Beakman.

                                                                                                           Beakman Place

“He sounds depressed” said one middle school student. “Like, I can picture him sitting there, watching t.v., and  he doesn’t look too happy. Hasn’t shaved, and his house is pretty messy. He’s probably getting tired of answering these basic science questions kids send him, that they could probably look up for themselves. I think he needs to get out more, be with other grown ups.”

  One boy allowed “Sure, if you think about it, it makes sense that tree rings are the inside and outside, but the kid was probably just wondering about it. Or wanted to ask him a question, to be nice. The answer is kind of rude, like, hey kid, the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket, the Olympics suck, and you’re asking me about tree rings? YES. The inside, the outside, whatever. Leave me alone.

--Who does he think he is, Jeeves? another child wanted to know.

-- Well. It does sound like he wants people to notice his opinions about issues, like they’ll go, This science guy has these great opinions about other things! So he’ll get a better job or something.

   Another young reader said she bet he was drunk, but nobody joined in with that idea, too much.

--He might be, but it mostly sounds like he’s just in a bad time, in his life.

SAD NEWS

Bats have an undeservedly sinister public image, and our dear friend Harold Allen Timmons worked tirelessly to educate the public about the positive role bats play in our ecosystem.

    His cheerful and informative feature has appeared in the pages of the Sparrow, usually around Halloween, as long as any of us can remember--which seemed a little odd one day last week when we thought about it, and a quick search showed his bat articles in our archives for more than a hundred years. 

    It's always distressing to lose a friend and colleague, but even more so when you have to stuff his mouth with garlic, cut his head off, and pound a wooden stake through his heart. He will be missed. 

 Photo not available.  

This is a guy with an owl, but you get the idea.