We recently taped a performance for the new "Gong Show" on Comedy Central. Here's a peek at a questionnaire we were required to complete:

> How long have you been doing this?

Since the mid-13th century. The Fuxedos had our first gig in 1251 AD, on a fiefdom on the outskirts of what later became Antwerp, Belgium. Wait, no -- 1252. In October. On a Thursday, I believe.

> How did you find out you had this talent?

Whilst my mother carried my five month-old fetus in her womb, my father slaughtered the family Pomeranian and read its entrails, per family custom. The results foretold my inexorable future -- a future of brutal carnage, soul-crushing despair, and rock 'n roll.

> What does your family/friends think?

I'm still nurturing and developing my telepathic abilities, so at the moment, their thoughts still transmit as hazy, formless, sort of ghostly quasi-"images", for lack of a better word. But they speak of my band in the kind of hushed tones ordinarily reserved for the greatest of spiritual leaders -- men like Krishnamurti, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and the Reverend Robert "Bob" Tilton.

> Worst/best thing thing that has happened doing this?

Worst: Spleen fell out on-stage. Mucho embarrassing! Had to stick it back in abdomen and hope no one saw -- especially music industry types.

Best: Killed a man on-stage; crowd thought it was "part of the act." Still no charges pressed!

> What are you going to do with the prize money when you win?

Besides the obligatory tranny-hookers-and-PCP ten-day bender? Well, I'm a breeder of those adorable, genetically-modified pygmy emus (now available at www. pygmy-emus. com), so I'll probably invest in some new gene-splicing technology.

> Do you have a day job?

Day jobs are for suckers. At one time, though, I was a freelance consultant/facilitator for weekend Civil War Re-enactment retreats. I also used to sell adverbs on E-Bay. Plus I once burned down a Starbucks in Encino for two hundred bucks (cash).

> Do you have a specific intro that you want used?

How 'bout something like:

"Our next act is America's favorite apocalyptic-comedy-lounge-punk-jazz-storytelling-freakout-wh

at-the-hell?-art rock band. They're currently at work on their debut CD, which should be completed by this fall. Ladies and gentlemen: The Fuxedos!"