I'm Jane Barraclough. I'm a Christian and a qualified mental health nurse. I also used to self-harm. During that time I felt so alone, like I was the only person in the world that would ever think of dragging a razor or piece of broken glass across their skin in some attempt to cope with their emotional distress. I battled with the addiction of self-harm for around 7 years. Ironically, for 5 of these years I was trying to stop self-harming, yet was trapped in the vicious cycle. Through the right support and the right mind set on my behalf (I wanted to get better), I can confidently say that self-harm is no longer a part of my coping strategy for life. My past and my self-harming is now something that I can actually be grateful for. Now I can use my experiences to give hope to others.
The key to me being released from a life centred around self-harm was discovering the value that my life had. When I was self-harming I didn't like myself, in fact I hated the person I was, I hated my looks, my body, my personality, my temperament, my interests. Everything about me. I thought it was all wrong and I was insignificant and unworthy. I couldn't interact or socialise well with others because I didn't think I was worthy of their time or friendship. How could anyone else think positively about me if I hated myself? Nothing I did I was good enough, and I strived for perfection in every area of my life and criticised myself constantly.
Before I could change my behaviours - the self-harm, isolation etc, I needed to change my thoughts. We must challenge and change our thinking, to change our lives and remove any negative and destructive behaviour. I discovered that I had been created by a God of love and I was worthy of Jesus dying to save my life. I discovered I was loved beyond all measure and God had a future filled with hope and purpose and destiny for my life. I now let these thoughts influence my life. This means I no longer have a need to self harm. I know what my life is worth. I am content in who I am.
My personal journey to recovery was not an easy one and it didn't happen over night. Many times I slipped up and thought I had failed God, myself and the people around me who cared about me. Many times I felt like giving up and just accepting a lonely and desperate life of self harm. However there was something inside me that knew this was not the life I was created to live. Part of me was scared of failing and not being able to overcome, but I didn't let this stop me trying and fighting for a better existence with all the strength I had. The biggest failure would have been for me to give up and accept my life as it was. Yes I had some moments of weakness, but I didn't give up. I learned from them and I and grew. It was worth the fight.
Along with my personal experience of self harm, I am a qualified mental health nurse and currently work within acute mental health inpatient services. I have worked with many people who self harm and witnessed both positive and negative nursing interventions. I would like to see the experiences of patients who self harm on the wards improve and would like to see staff better empowered to provide treatment and care. I am also an advocate for Mercy Ministries UK and deliver presentations on their work and my story.
My Story
