Fe’s Blog

blog-fe.blogspot.com

Tue, 20 May 2008 22:12:58 +1000

Please click the link below to find your way to my new blog site.

All old messages (and comments) will be retained, and I will link to them, but I’m receiving many emails telling me that you are having trouble posting to my blog. After great consideration, I have decided to move my blog to a different programme.

Fe’s New Blog

Please update bookmarks and rss feeds. The new address is:

blog-fe.blogspot.com

EASY!

How was YOUR day?

Tue, 20 May 2008 17:48:53 +1000

Seriously......

My kids and I do this thing every night where we tell each other the BEST thing about our day and the WORST thing about our day.

And so I’m going to start a thread here for everyone to tell their best and worst (only if you want to, of course)

Me first! My BEST is that I got to help a really good friend today. And my worst is that I think all of this stress has caught up with me and I am sick sick sick. Nothing major, but certainly not comfortable.

Your turn...

8 things to be grateful for today...

Tue, 20 May 2008 00:14:34 +1000

2 beautiful children.
Caring parents.
Many wonderful friends. People who genuinely love and respect me.
People who are willing to be honest and vulnerable with me.
A small but perfect home for my boys and me.
Things to look forward to.
A love of literature and music.
The ability to feel pain and love.

Gone

Mon, 19 May 2008 16:22:02 +1000

Fare thee well my lovely friends. You’ve touched me deeply in the few years we’ve known each other. My heart will be with all of you, always.

and then she was “one”

Sun, 18 May 2008 22:17:32 +1000

It’s been a week of endings. It IS a week of endings. It’s been a week of upset. A week of disappointment. A week of nurturing and of loss. A week of depression and sadness. And amidst all of that, a week of love and a week of new beginnings.

Most of the upset has been going on for a while now. It’s not really like me, but I can’t write it out yet. It’s about DH and my boys. I will write it out soon, when my head is clear enough and calm enough. Not sure when that will be. I can almost see your responses now, and I am looking forward to having your sage advice, but I just can’t ask for it yet.

*sigh*

And Wolfie and I are no longer. Actually, it was the perfect break up. No recriminations, no anger, no raging sadness, just a realisation that we are better as friends than as partners. And much kindness. He will most definitely be an important friend to my boys and me, as he has been, and I think we are both feeling relief more than regret.

I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed for 9 years, so it’s no huge revelation, but it’s such a familiar part of my life that I’m usually able to manage it extremely well. Until too many things happen at once and my damaged and fragile coping system falls over. That has happened this time. I’m still standing, but on one foot only and with much wobbling.

H is anxious, and has been for years. These latest events with DH have exacerbated his discomfort hugely, and I have been on a steep steep learning curve trying to nurture him through this.

And the universe is giving me lots of other lessons right now too. Too many all at once. They all seem to be about material possessions. My car has been damaged (while parked and therefore with no recourse) and my computers have been out of action. My internet broadband download was hijacked and stolen, and even my phone is displaying disconcerting signs of scizophrenia. My precious Eames dining chair was broken and my freezer has decided to take a holiday.

What’s going on?

I have a few friends who are struggling as well at the moment. It’s a tough time for many, I know.

And, *sigh*, Wikke leaves tomorrow.

Last Monday was her “final” bookclub. Today was her “farewell” lunch. And tomorrow morning I am driving them to the airport. It’s really too much to even think about tonight, and so I will think about it tomorrow. And then come here for tears and sympathy.

I have, however, received a wonderful parting gift from Wikke. Today I met 4 of her friends from her Dutch (and one Belgian) blog group. These are women who all met here in Sydney purely on the basis of all being expats living in this beautiful city. They have met up on a few occasions, and Wikke has really enjoyed their company. And now I know why!

We all seemed to have an instant connection..... and I am excited about the prospect of getting to know them even better. They are Marielle, Anne, Marike and Eveline.

The above photo is of our last kids dinner at Wikke’s. Most of the furniture was already gone, and so dinner was on a rug on the living room floor.

This photo of is our last book club with Wikke....

And this is of Wikke and Jara and my last post-gym breakfast....

Sometimes sadness is clearing and relieving. And sometimes it’s just sadness. And it just sucks.

And Joanne..... if you’re reading this on the after-life internet....... I miss you. Your wisdom and your comfort. And your sane way of both supporting and encouraging me when my depression is bad and my heart is full.

So much loss.

Getting closer....

Tue, 6 May 2008 20:19:55 +1000

Tonight we had our second last “kids dinner” at Wikke’s. This is a Tuesday night event that has been off and on (mainly on) for the last two years. And tonight we ate in a nearly empty house, and talked about the fact that in two weeks we won’t be able to do this anymore.

I was the only one who actually had tears in my eyes, but I know that we’re all sad about saying goodbye.

We WILL be seeing them in July, in their home town, which makes us luckier than everyone else that they’re leaving behind, but it still won’t be the same as having them living a few streets away.

Excitement!!

Mon, 5 May 2008 23:38:29 +1000

The above is the view from my verandah right now.

And this.....
is the cause.

We’ve known for
weeks that road works
were happening tonight
and tomorrow night
in front of our building,
and the huge noise that
signified the beginning
of the work was met with
eye rolling and sighing
(and then gleeful running
to the balcony to count
the number and size of
trucks on site!)

When, a couple of hours later, I mentioned to Wolfie that we seemed to be hearing a few sirens, we thought nothing of it. My Mum, however, was on the ball, and telephoned me to ask me if she and my Dad could come through to my verandah (they live next door) to watch the exploding truck.

Sheesh!!!

The vehicle that exploded had been literally scraping the top 30 - 60 cm of tar off the road, and “spitting” it into an open truck. Perhaps it overheated. Perhaps it was faulty. All I know is that 4 hours later (right now) it is still burning ......

AGONY!

Sun, 4 May 2008 21:42:14 +1000

Both physical AND emotional.

Wikke and I had our “Farewell Weekend Away” this weekend. We took off with an idea of a particular bushwalk that we wanted to undertake, no sleeping reservations and an overwhelming desire for freedom.

So, we headed in a general north-westerly direction and simply drove and talked. And talked. And drove. For nearly 2 hours.

The bushwalk (“Bob Turner’s Track”) was a 3-4 hour, 7 km return, 350m descent HELL walk. It is graded as “medium” but that’s just rubbish. Wikke and I are both pretty fit (I’m the Queen of the steepest grade on the Cross Country Machine at the gym!!) and both love a challenge.... but this felt like 3.5 hours of steps. My knees are getting old *sigh*.

The patch of the Colo River that the walk took us to was just stunning, and we sat there and talked for 1/2 hour about the most obscure and personal things. It was intensely peaceful and almost surreal.

I can’t even begIN to describe the slice of heaven that was the place we found to stay . Here, check out their website, although even that doesn’t really cover it.

We drove to the nearest town (26km) for a feast of pizza and then sped back to our little slice of heaven. We sat in front of the log fire, watched a DVD of “Shirley Valentine” (very profound because I’m now exactly her age) and drank and talked and talked. Our conversation felt almost driven by a desire to have enough conversation to last until July (when I will see her next, in Holland). We covered the personal and the sensitive. And talked a lot about our futures..... our own senses of self and personal identity. And then we climbed into the big bed and fell into comas.

The next morning we borrowed the B&B’s kayak and took off along the Colo River for an hour. SO peaceful. So beautiful. The absolute perfect Australian experience for Wikke’s last Australian weekend away. We had sopping bottoms and blistered hands, but huge smiles on our face.

I love this girl. She recently told me that I was one of the few people that she can be completely honest with..... completely relaxed.... herself.... not concerned with image or impression. I agree with her completely. We simply “are” when we’re together, and I have that with only a few other friends.

And then it was a race to get to my boys’ Annual School Band Camp in time for the Parents’ Concert.. I managed.... just.....

Here they are..... F is on the trumpet (left) and H is on the trombone (right). Unwashed, under-slept and over-stimulated but thoroughly satisfied.

I love this photo..... behind my boys there are 4 kids on ONE drum kit!! It sounded brilliant!

My calves are screaming, my blisters are stinging. I wouldn’t, however, have missed a minute of this weekend.

The great Ikea Bookcase Debacle

Thu, 1 May 2008 12:26:45 +1000

It started innocently enough. I had to retrieve boxes of books from their storage place, and therefore needed a place to put them. H and his best buddy A went to Ikea with me last Sunday and helped me struggle with the three HEAVY 190cm long boxes from store to car, and then INTO car. Brave kids. I only lost my cool once......

So, the next day it was time to bring the three boxes up to the apartment and to put them together. The instructions specifically stated that TWO adults were needed to construct this bookcase, but I decided that ONE adult and TWO tall kids would do perfectly.

Har.

So, we started like this.....

and soon looked like this.......

The two extras in the shot
are from downstairs. They arrived
just as I was on my hands and
knees struggling with the details.

And stayed to distract me. And
my helpers.

grrrr

Soon it was a case of absolute
disaster when the whole thing
fell apart under the harsh testing
conditions of small boys.

Many choice words were spoken before extra troupes were called in. It soon looked like this.......

and it didn’t take long until...... ta da ...

and then......

It looks GREAT. But the stress was phenomenal.

Off-line for 4 days...

Thu, 1 May 2008 12:11:22 +1000

This is DEFINITELY a modern affliction. I’m naming it “Off-line-itis”. It’s the distressing sense of discomfort which comes from being off-line for more than a couple of hours.

It starts with a mild sense of dis-ease, and then builds to an almost panic. It’s exacerbated by the realisation that the ISP technical support phone number is NOT on the paper bill, nor on any emails, and that I have recycled ALL telephone directories and have become completely dependent on cyber-space for almost everything.

Once the phone call has been made to the ISP, and the patronising “automatic support voice” has run me through all the tests that I’ve ALREADY DONE (re-booting the modem etc) (three times because the phone line kept dropping out during the testing procedure), the Indian based support guy runs me through it just one more time (well, I think that’s what he was doing ...... I barely understood a word he said) before telling me that a support visit has been booked for the next day between 8am and 12noon.

Of course it’s after the appointment is booked that I get invited to attend a hospital visit with my pregnant friend at 9.45am. I try to contact the ISP to change the appointment time, and realise that they have not provided me with a phone number to do that. *sigh*

By the time the technician arrives to test my modem (at 11.55am!!!) I have received panicked phone calls from 3 people who are worried because I haven’t replied to their emails.

James is a calm and wonderful and friendly technician who works out immediately that my modem is kaput, and not only gives me a new one on the spot, but explains all possible problems that I may have with this new modem (which is also a router) and my wireless router. He was sweet, fast and helpful.

And my heart rate returned to its’ regular rhythm once I’d read my emails and reassured myself that I was able to fully access cyberspace once again.

Above pic is of H and his best friend A, making the most of high-rise living