so i'm in my kitchen at two in the afternoon, brewing a cup of dark roast coffee, and putting my cast iron griddle on the stove, getting ready to make some breakfast. yes, that's right, at two in the PM. it's still breakfast, if it's the first meal you've had since waking up. trust me, this is something i know all about.
anyway, i'm mixing up a batch of whole wheat buttermilk pancakes and, feeling mildly decadent, i reach into the fridge for the Ghirardelli chocolate chips. when it comes to me. like Jehovah -- or Satan -- "talking" to a food and sleep deprived Jesus in the dessert [sic]. it comes to me. like John writing the Book of Revelations -- only much easier to understand, and a lot less scary. it comes to me.blackberries. and chocolate.
without a moment's hesitation, i reach into the freezer for the bag of whole blackberries.
where has this idea been my whole life? and why isn't it front and center on the menu of every pancake house in America? surely, i can't be the first person to think of an idea this deliciously obvious. i mean, chocolate and blackberries have been combined in desserts and other recipe before, right? they both taste great, right? this has to have been done before.
wait a minute. i'm popping over to Google. \uses QuickSilver to start a Google search, with justa few keystrokes\
nope. "chocolate blackberry pancakes" gets not one direct hit on the first page of results. amazing. how can this be? what is wrong with our culture? no, wait, that's IT. THIS explains EVERYTHING that is wrong with our society. i can now tell you, no human culture is truly complete without the widespread availability of chocolate blackberry pancakes, in every town. without them, unrest and insanity are inevitable. it’s like a chemical imbalance in the hive mind. and i’ve just discovered the treatment.
because i've eaten them. and they are a wonder, a deep and abiding joyness. and you should eat them, too. here's how. just follow my six step program** for inner and world peace.
1. use your favorite pancake recipe or mix, preferably whole grain. today's batch i made with buttermilk, since that's what i had in the fridge. often, when making pancakes or other baked goods, i substitute plain yogurt for the milk; and i bet that would be heavenly in this context. so, you mix up pancake batter, and get a griddle or frying pan ready to cook 'em -- ya know, just like you do when you're making pancakes.
(i’m sorry, but if you don’t already know how to make pancakes, if you haven’t got a decent recipe book in your kitchen, if you can’t figure out how to type “making pancakes” into a Google search, and you can’t even read the instructions on a box of store-bought pancake mix, then you’re reading the wrong blog. in fact, it’s a wonder that you’re reading at all. show some friggin’ initiative! find somebody amongst your family or friends who actually knows how to make food without a microwave oven, and spend some time with them. jesus, son.)
2. i recommend greasing the griddle with a generous amount of (unsalted) butter. not only does it keep them from sticking to the griddle, it saves you the bother of buttering them at the table. and besides, butter makes everything better. (you can quote me on that.)
3. obviously, you need two other things on hand: good bittersweet chocolate chips, and blackberries. i used my frozen berries straight from my freezer, and found they thawed just enough while cooking. i also keep my chocolate in the fridge, so it doesn’t melt in the heat of my kitchen. if you don’t keep chocolate chips around -- and, hey, let’s face it, they ain’t really chips, they’re li’l chocolate plopettes -- any bar of good bittersweet or dark chocolate will do. just use your chef’s knife or cleaver to break it into (actual) chips.
4. so, when the batter and griddle are ready, pour your first pancakes onto the griddle, then immediately drop some chocolate chips and blackberries onto the (currently upside down) pancakes. how many is a matter of personal taste. on a 5-6" diameter pancake, i dropped 4-6 whole blackberries, and 6-10 chocolate chips. if you’ve ignored my advice and chosen to make bland non-whole grain pancakes, you may want to add more, just to give them some flavor, because that glorified white bread you’re cooking tastes like fluffy paste.
5. as always, wait until bubbles form on the pancakes, then flip 'em over and cook for another minute or two.
6. that's it. now eat 'em. mmmm.
as if it isn't obvious, these pancakes need no syrup. that would be like dipping french fries in lard.
these completely beat blueberry pancakes. i mean, blueberry pancakes are nice, like doing an easy Sunday crossword puzzle*** with your mom. a pleasant way to pass the time, for sure. but these are like morning sex with a gorgeous nymphomaniac who can’t get enough of you. if you can see the difference.
are you up for that? then do yourself a flavor. and, while you’re at it, spread the word. before our world descends into chaos. i mean, imagine how hard it will be to get good chocolate in the midst of the coming water riots. save humanity! eat more blackberries and chocolate. you’ll thank me for it later.
peace on Earth.
* please note: the photo above is not of the actual pancakes i made. i was too busy eating them to dig out my camera. another time, perhaps. drop by for breakfast, sometime, and you can take the photo.
** notice that it’s twice as fast as a twelve step program.
*** an American crossword, not one of those insane British crosswords -- that would spoil my analogy entirely.
Sunday, 12 November 2006
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