These three words are packed with a powerful message. They were first introduced to me during my visit to Dallas when I participated in a “Happiness Class,” taught by Sandi Smith, of Brainways Training. Much of what Sandi taught us about happiness dealt with relationships.

It is no coincidence that at the same time I was reading How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. He devotes an entire chapter on the futility of trying to win an argument. He insists that it can’t be done. If you lose, you lose, but if you win you still lose because you have made the other feel inferior, and have not changed his or her opinion. “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

That was the point of the “right or related” reminder that Sandi shared with us. In every exchange with another person we have a choice. Do we want to be right? Or do we want to be related? This is a simple way to view our relationships, but as discussed in an earlier blog, it may not be easy.

I have found that the closer I am with someone (the more in relationship I am with them) the harder it can be to set my ever-present, always needy ego aside and choose to strengthen the relationship rather than strive for victory, the feeling of being right. So often, I seek to prove that I was not mistaken, not misinformed, not mislead, etc. by choosing to be right over related. If I really heeded these three words, I would stop in the midst of “self-preservation” and ask myself Why? Whom does it serve for me to boost (however temporarily) my ego? Certainly not the person I am in relationship with. They will love me (or not) regardless of how right I am.

The irony is, that I will be strengthened as my relationships with others are and as I learn to step out of identification with my mind, or ego. In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle states that our sense of self does not depend on the content of the mind. The ego lives only in the past and the future and strives to preserve its strength by holding us to either side of the present.

“It (the ego) misperceives it (the present) completely because it looks at it through the eyes of the past. Or it reduces the present to a means to an end, an end that always lies in the mind-projected future.”

Imagine an important relationship, one that you would like to nurture and make stronger. Can you apply this exercise?  The next time you are engaged in a “discussion” with the other can you step back, be in the present moment, forget past arguments, hurts, misunderstandings and not worry about future insecurities or doubts? Can you strengthen the relationship with that person rather than weaken it by insisting upon being right? The astounding example related in Carnegie’s classic book involves an exchange during which he was absolutely sure that he was right and yet chose to not challenge the other person’s viewpoint in order to honor him and develop rather than break down a relationship with him.

I do not know many people who have such a healthy sense of self that they would be able to resist the loud protestations of their ego screaming “I know I am right and I will prove it!” Sadly, we create unnecessary drama in our lives when we insist on being right or vindicated for a perceived wrong that was done to us. In The Four Agreements by Don Miquel Ruiz, we are reminded that what others say and do is a projection of their own reality. He also challenges us to not take things personally.  More to come in a later blog.

Finally, I encourage you to seek to be related with those you care about. Put your need to be right aside. By understanding the power of the present moment we cast aside past resentments, mental tapes or old conversations and we hold no fear of future failures or conflicts. As I write these words, I must admit I am constantly challenged to do so, but each time I choose to be related over being right, I reduce the drama and the neediness of my “stuck in the past or worried about the future” ego. The reality is, the true “me” is strengthened as my relationships with others are and as the identification with the “I” is set aside.

This week I challenge you to remember these three words, “Right of Related,” regarding your most important relationships. Choose one opportunity to test this simple (not easy) practice. if it yields a genuine exchange of ideas and opinions, free of resentment, ridicule or judgement and full of mutual respect and admiration you will be encouraged to choose to be related over being right again and again.