The Prattler Exdorsements

Tuesday will be election day and, naturally, the Prattler has kindnesses to offer the candidates and recommendations for those of my readers eligible to vote in California’s 25th Congressional District.
GOVERNOR: Schwarzenegger (R) v. Angelides (D). Surprisingly, the successful action hero and dismal comic actor has been for three years now, lousy at politics and excellent at policy. If Zen irony is a possibility, and both words insist it is, your ironic botanist is grateful to have one fewer variety to identify and name. The Angelides campaign has aggressively made the case that Governor is a boorish, crass and sexist meathead who substitutes celebrity for substance. Since Golden State voters knew this when they elected him the first time, it seems Angelides must have hired boorish, crass and fey meatheads to plan his campaign. Angelides, himself, is a traditional Democrat who promises a State Auditor in every kitchen and behavioral consultants in each bed, tax increases to the rich and stones for the hungry as well as an antipoverty program serving all Californians regardless of income. In the last week, two of the most partisan Democrats I know in this state confessed that they will be voting to re-elect and the Prattler will too.
Lt. Governor: McClintock (R) v. Garamendi (D) et al. The least substantial office on the ballot has the most substantial candidates, a portent of doom. Senator McClintock is an old line Republican dedicated to low taxes and the Writs of Assistance applied even to structures where a rat might live such as a police station. He also has more moral integrity and intellectual curiosity than all the members of his party in our nation’s capitol combined, excluding lobbyists. Garamendi was an effective tax commissioner and this employer is grateful to him for helping to lower Worker’s Compensation rates in this state. The Prattler will be voting for Senator McClintock for the third time for statewide office but, regardless of who wins, can rest assured that the smartest elected official in the State holds an office from which little evil can derive.
U.S. Representative: McKeon (R) v. Whoever (D.) Representative McKeon is, by all accounts, a good man, honest and true who has enjoyed the Prattler’s support in the last three elections, no doubt with some great gladness. However, as a federal officer and member of the Republican Party, he has been loyal to the forces which have led both government and party to moral incontinence, administrative epilepsy and ideological post-nasal drip. Consequently, I judge him guilty of conspiracy to assault the constitution, commit lewd acts against liberty, stumblebummery and attempting to defraud the public by pig-lipsticking. I don’t need to know who the Democratic candidate will be to know I will vote for him, her or it. If there is no Democrat on the ticket (this is a safe Republican district) I will cast my vote for a challenger of any other party be it American Independent, Al Queda or The Vegetarian Coalition Against Aging.
U.S. Senator: Feinstein (D) v. Mountjoy (R.) Until a movie star became governor, Senator Feinstein consistently topped the polls as the most popular politician in California and continues with the highest approval rating. She presents as bright, honest, committed and inoculated by frequent contact against the worst ravages of her party’s most communicable disorder, Feckless Phony Flipflopposis. Senator Feinstein’s opponent is a fat, witless blowhard given to spewing 2000 words per minute impromptu oratory without benefit of thesis or vocabulary. The Prattler will be voting for the challenger in order to preserve the integrity of an anti-incumbent federal ballot and as part of his ongoing crusade to de-stigmatize fat, witless blowhards.
Proposition 90: Since the United States Supreme Court issued its mystifying Kelo decision adjusting the fifth amendment to allow government to condemn property for private purposes, many states have enacted laws preventing their own governments from enjoying the new privilege. Proposition 90 is the California response which would add to our State constitution what has been crossed-out in the federal one. It would also add to California’s basic law a raft of new and creative absurdities which seem designed to insure that the courtroom replaces private property as the location of California’s hearths and homes. The Prattler will vote against this proposition but offer a new one in it’s place. I hereby move that the number of elected offices in our state be expanded as necessary so that all the sorrowful scoundrels, unreconstituted ne’er-do-wells and sulfurous imps can secure a pension and a portfolio without having to add idiocies to the ends of ballot measures for a living.
Member of The State Assembly, 38th District: Shaw (D) v. Smyth (R.) I’ve been aware for several months that an old friend of mine, Lyn Shaw, was running for the State Assembly and learned only this morning that she is running in my district. The Prattler gladly endorses Lyn and will vote for her on Tuesday.

The Prattler Wordbook
DESPOT, n. A pauper in privacy.
DESPOTIC, adj. Childlike.
DESPOTISM, n. Idealism.
DESSERT, n. The last refuge to which a stomach turns.
DESTABILIZE, v.t. To plan for.
DESTERILIZE, v.t. To release from public service.
DESTINATION, n. Miscalculation.
DESTINE, v.t.. To predict.
DESTITUTE, adj. Inventive.
DESTROY, v.t. To opt for.
DESTRUCTION, n. The victory of chaos over liberation.
DESTRUCTIVE, adj. Cruel, capable and honest.
DESULTORY, n. Resolved, determined, four-square.

Saturday, November 4, 2006