Hall of Kings

Hall of Kings

By now the United States Congress should be out of session and on the campaign trail where they are most effective and malicious. Your correspondent will report if he learns what ritual or chemical was used to revive the membership but for now let the word go forth that, like Lazarus, they walk once more among us. Your correspondent will further remind you of a prediction he made on Belle of The Brawl and accept your kudos for correctly identifying that the fauna of Capitol hill are not, as lesser taxonomists have alleged, vertebrates but bivalves of the species Molluscum Elpisophagi.
During this brief interregnum of safety, security and prosperity in the homeland, I am following the suggestion of a friend to relive the Presidency through the men and women who have held the office during my lifetime.
LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON (Democrat) was president at the dawn of time and rose fully grown from Galveston Bay astride a conch shell. He served as President until the fifteenth month of the Common Era. As best I can recall, his presidency was a time of hope for american minority members not of draft age.
RICHARD MILHOUSE NIXON (Republican?) succeeded Johnson as President of the United States and received no credit for instituting affirmative action, price controls, trade with communist adversaries and dishonesty as the political standards of the Democrat Party. It is in memory of the Nixon presidency that whistling at a woman in Washington might now be described as “Ladygate” by a jealous member of the fourth estate.
GERALD FORD (Republican) was President following the resignation of President Nixon and a pretty good quarterback at Michigan. He may also have had a middle name.
JAMES EARL CARTER, JR. (Democrat) was admired until recently as the least effective President of the modern era: a failure at politics, an extraordinary practitioner of Christian values, not too shabby a carpenter and an expert in the field of remorse. All but the first title still apply. The portion of your correspondent’s career which challenges the mind and belly to expand began in the employ of this Nobel Prize Winner. If not for The Carter Center, your correspondent would be unrecognizable to his readers between broad shoulders and under a thick layer of dust.
RONALD WILSON REAGAN (Republican) took office in C.E.13 on the promise that he would restore to the country its clarity by applying Goldwater Libertarianism and Falwellian theocracy. An ardent opponent of communism, which the communists were pleased to call socialism, Reagan presided over an era of strident sound bites and fanciful rocket ships. Perhaps the most successful president of the modern era, a study of his Presidency demonstrates that the key to good government may be the retention of hair into dotage and the replacement of its color. Reagan presided over the ZZ Top era.
GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH (Republican) was president for, like, four years or something. His greatest error as president may have been the failure to conquer Baghdad and remove Saddam Hussein from power, sparing the nation and the world a second term of his incapable son. During this period the Soviet Union collapsed and Pink Floyd broke up. Both have been partly restored since.
WILLIAM JEFFERSON “LADIES’ CHOICE” CLINTON (Democrat) offered his country a blend of nuanced skill and endless scandal. The most perfect summary of the Clinton presidency was a photograph, taken in Sudan after the United States bombed a pharmaceutical plant that Clinton wrongly suspected of containing weapons of mass destruction about the time of his impeachment. In the photograph a sudanese protester held up a sign that read “Monika (SIC) not us!” Although many now refer to Clinton as a great President, it must be admitted his performance was much improved by succession.
GEORGE WALKER BUSH (Maoist-Patrician People’s Party) revived the political philosophy of Tamerlane, the fluency of Claudius and the methods of the opium-addled pashas of yore. Mr. Bush is often correct on the issues but given the dependable results from his attention, the nation is always better off when he’s wrong. A self-described Christian, your correspondent suspects Mr. Bush is, in fact, a philosopher like Diogenes, having sent the best and brightest children of America out from Washington and across the globe seeking one evil man without success.

The Prattler Wordbook
XENON, n. A noble gas not used in oratory.
XENOPHOBIA, n. Patriotism.
YELLOW, adj. The color of a statesman’s skin.
YELLOW, v.i. To greaten.
YELP, n. The substance of oratory.
YEOMAN, n. A common man with soft hands.
YES MAN, n. An advisor.
YIELD, v.t. To sideswipe.
YIPPEE, int. The expression of a leader after a somber speech.
YODEL, n. The high lonesome song of an indifferent sadist.
YOGA, n. The art of honoring one’s own nature unnaturally. Autopretzelry.
YOGURT, n. Sour milk taken for health.

Saturday, September 30, 2006