Into All The World
 
Your correspondent doesn’t know the world beyond the United States, although he has visited there. Caught up in the patriotic fervor of the recent Independence Day holiday, there seemed no better way for him to testify his love of country than to write about someplace else. And to refer to himself in the third person. To my American friends I offer this report on the diverse characteristics, aspirations and taxonomy of them. To the inhabitants of the world beyond the United States, this column offered as a mirror (see explanation below.) In the world beyond our borders are many types of people, some who wear sarees, who speak many languages including Spanish and Chinese. Anthropologists, a category of foreignologist, assume that missionaries from East Los Angeles and Alhambra taught them. Although these languages are useless for diplomacy and commerce, they mark a great advance over the primal grunt in expressing various feelings including pride, discontent and hurry. A third language, Hungarian, is said to be useful in describing sausage. Americans share English with the Kenyan and the Australian Aborigine. The chief economic export of the World beyond our borders is styles of driving which vary in custom according to purpose. In Germany there are roads without legal speed limits. This is in order that those who attend church be on time to mass and the rest to their jobs or social service appointments, as prescribed by Lutheran doctrine. In Peru, driving involves sudden changes of lane and direction to facilitate homicide. In France, driving is for the purpose of driving French cars and is freestyle. The styles of driving are imported and inventoried in Miami. The primary economic import of the rest of the world is cuisine, which typically trades alphabetically. Indian food is served in India, Thai food goes to Thailand, Fou-fou is eaten in France, etc. To Italy we give Ice Cream and to China the cookie. The limestone quarries of Indiana feed Lesotho and Liberia. An exception to this rule can be found in Norway where the diet is based on cannibalism. Outside of our Christian nation the two principle religions are Islam and apostasy. Contrary to popular stereotypes, not all muslims are bombers although secular humanists universally are. Adherents can be distinguished by the call to prayer of the muslim muezzin, which the apostate ignores in favor of American television. Perhaps no artifact of human endeavor demonstrates the diversity of humanity so admirably as government. Forms of rule discovered in the foreign land include democracy, despotism, socialism (or despotic democracy,) tyranny, monarchy, oligarchy and meritocracy (Nepotism.) In fact, governments present greater diversity than humanity itself with each man, woman, child and dog submitting to their own and ruling a second. The Prattler Wordbook MIRROR, n. The origin of every lie and misdirection. WONDER, v.i. To plan. WONDER, n. One of seven exceptional items on various lists. WONDROUS, adj. Still standing. WONK, n. A student of principle, process, politics and policy. A stranger to people. WORLD, n. A united conflict.
Saturday, July 8, 2006
From the collection of Richard Samuel West / Periodyssey.http://www.periodyssey.com/private/press.htmshapeimage_5_link_0
Saturday, July 1, 2006