Political Capital

Political Capital

United States elections are almost upon us, and now is the time for estimating the political capital nurtured by the two parties as a sheep nurtures grass. There was an article in the Los Angeles times describing how San Francisco liberals, emboldened by the toxic environment that Republicans have created for themselves this year, were now flooding out into nearby G.O.P.-held districts to campaign for the Democratic challengers. Perhaps their strategy will work, but your correspondent counsels these and like-minded Democrats a different strategy.
Political capital is a form of wealth recorded in the books of your opponents. In truth, in this election, None of The Above would take an 80-85% share of the vote, were she to appear on the ballot. As a write-in candidate, she may yet match Ross Perot’s numbers. The light shed on each party is the hatred of voters for the opposite party, reflected upon the placid waters of American policymaking through which the ship of state and the dinghy of good sense leave no wake. Given the alternative of marooning our representatives so that we would never again hear them and they would die, dessicated, few would vote. And the crux of the matter is this: provide a third alternative in which our representative and their opponent could be left on this selfsame utopian island with two pistols and matching balls then Americans, a thrifty and enterprising people, would take the more efficient option of ridding ourselves of scoundrels past and future.
Were I to be offered the post of managing a Democratic congressional campaign in a GOP-held district I would invest all of our campaign funding on two items. The majority would go television advertising and a megaphone for our opponent while a small portion would be held back for the construction of a bird cage for our candidate and enough blanket to convince him or her that night has fallen and the dawn won’t break until the polls have closed. A mirror might work as well.
Few patriots would vote to re-elect the dishonest, incapable, self-destructive, self-righteous, foolish, forgetful, spineless, boot-licking, breach-born and beached, free-spending, intrusive, amoral, oblivious, auto-idolator heretics that now so fill the ranks of Republican members of the federal government that a simpering eunuch and a dissembling hippopotamus are their anointed in the Senate and House. Unless, that is, the alternative were Democrats so incoherent and aqueous that they reach their positions by brownian motion. To send San Francisco liberals into Republican districts to rally for the opposition is to remind the locals why they tolerate failure and obliviousness from those whose mothers surely forsake them. To send Democrats out among appalled voters is to demonstrate that singular coherence of the Democratic party, the pursuit of exile.
The commonest coin of exchange in american politics is outrage which has suffered in value from overproduction. That and small bills are the denominations available for political capital and the prosperity of one party is the wealth of the other. On November 7, mendicant friars will become princes with congressional pages to wash their feet.

The Prattler Wordbook
ACCEPTABLE, adj. Comparable.
ACCEPTANCE, n. Resentment in the crib.
ACCESS, n. An insufficient filter.
ACCIDENTAL, adj. Successful.
ACCLIMATE, v.t. To make comfortable on the threshing floor, in the abbatoir, or at the polling place.
ACCOMMODATING, adj. Deaf and blind.
ACCOMMODATION, n. The collegiality we offer a stranger or the distance we allow our friends.
ACCOUNT, n. A part of the bank to which we add deposits and sediment.
ACCRETE, v.i. To not roll.
As Dan sat back in his seat,
Chips and beer by his feet
He exclaimed to his bride
“I’ve nothing to hide!”
But plenty, in fact to accrete.”
ACCURATE, adj. Marketable.
ACCUSATION, n. The currency of exchange in ideas.
ACCURSED, adj. Having voted or played a winning ticket.

Saturday, October 14, 2006