Trick or Treat

“Here lies the body of the Republican Party
Corrupt, and, generally speaking, hearty.”
-Ambrose Bierce, 1882
On consecutive Tuesdays, Americans will twice be visited by witches, vampires, the undead, dead heads, spidermen, werewolves, rat-faced boys, the elected lovers of rat-faced boys, mummies, giraffes, goblins, ghosts, goons, and gaggles of geese. In short, we will be at our neighbor’s doors and on their ballots, a plague upon a pestilence on a pox. Don’t answer your door. Don’t turn on your television. Wear garlic to the polls.
For these Counts of Congress who rested in their crypts the last two years walk again among us, thirsty for our bile. Having no reflection they see only each other and their eyes are red with hatred. With fangs now shattered on the bones of sheep and hog, they kill with their tongues and without remorse. They have forgotten their fathers but remember each of your children for they love only the buffet. Be wary. Be vigilant. Be weary.
For the powerful are beyond redemption and the powerless unredeemed. On Hallowe’en and the following Tuesday, what we fear will try to be cute to get our undifferentiated candy. Chocolate, demographics and blood will be the currency and liberty the price. Those dressed in the flag of our nation are deadliest yet. Do not invite them in. Forbid them with the sign of the cross and do not be fooled if they wear their own crucifix.
For such as these are without life of their own and draw strength from the confinement of ours. In the name of freedom, these perverse shepherds for the devil cancel liberty. In the name of lowering taxes, they spend money frivolously on walls. In the name of dialogue they deny marriage. They have no love, no mercy and no money of their own but consume that of their constituents as appetizers for the constituents themselves. They dwell inside the bodies of men and women, disguising themselves until the full moon or election day.
What to do to protect ourselves? What bane will bring such monstrosities to finally enjoy the rest they spurn? Your correspondent has suggestions. Do not attempt to destroy them with silver bullets. Each of these demons eats thirty pieces of silver at breakfast. A stake through the heart will not wound them mortally for what is one splinter among many? Do not build them wives or husbands as distraction for this is the affliction which caused them to worship Satan as a gentler alternative. No, my friends, what these creatures cannot bear is sunlight. Show them the outdoors. And as for the little ones who present themselves at your door, a sprinkling with holy water or a blow with the censer never hurts.

The Prattler Wordbook
CARTEL, n.. A conspiracy without campaign ads.
CARTILAGINOUS, adj. Of the spine.
CARTOGRAPHY, n. War.
CARTON, n. A container of milk advertising lost children.
CARTOON, n. An absurdist depiction of reality in which mice and cats are enemies, politicians mammals and children cuss.
CARTOONISH, adj. Credible.
CARTWHEEL, n. To deftly exchange hands for feet without writing a column.
CARVE, v.t.. To govern a roast turkey.
CASE, v.t. To campaign.
CASE, n. A detainment requiring the writ of Habeas Corpus and governed by the constitution and laws of the land, currently 99% of the total in the United States.
CASE LAW, n. A prior irrelevancy.
CASH, n. Legal tenderness.
HALLOWE’EN, n. A holy day on which children pretend to be uncivilized in exchange for sweets.

Saturday, October 28, 2006