First Column

The New Prattler
Welcome the The Prattler, to complete my ongoing impersonation of Ambrose Bierce, this spot will feature a weekly column including commentary and definitions for The Prattler Wordbook. You are invited every Saturday to read and comment just so’s you’re gentle. I’m fragile.
A first column should include an introduction and, by golly, here’s one: I’m an American living in Southern California and an Earthling. As such, I believe the leadership I’m vexed with deserves lashing with a pen as sharp as Ambrose Bierce’s. His pen being still, I’ve answered the call to lift mine and look forward to providing much invective from here, writing about politics, politicians, religion and journalism. I hope to be the first blogger to do so.
As to party: Part of what attracted me to Bierce in the first place was his founding role in my own political persuasion, the Pox On Both Parties Alliance. Although Bierce railed against the Republican party as an unreliable supporter and against the Democrats as an inconsistent opponent, I have never claimed membership in a political party and can comfortably anticipate the hosts of hell shepherding all partisans to their just reward. If this column never calls the great event forward, it will be because lacking skill and wisdom, I never found the right incantation.
On religion: Unlike Bierce, I’m not an atheist, avowed or silent. For that reason, I submit the great writer as the perfect cynic and accept the impossibility of equalling him. Nonetheless, I find the LORD’s loudest professed anointed to be the promised ravening wolves intent on trapping those God made free. Expect sermons on this topic.
And journalism? Bierce’s favorite victims were other journalists. Not being a journalist, I release the modifiers. I expect journalism to serve the public information and discourse. Expect a reflexive bias against thoughtlessness and spin.
So starting next Saturday, this will be the only site with bombastic, badly-written polemics on the whole internet. I’m almost sure.
And with that introduction, here are the first additions from this column to The Prattler Wordbook.
April Fool, n. The wizard of March.
Brilliant, adj. Autobiographical.
Ill-Mannered, adj. Unfit for company and well-suited for blogging.
Invective, n. The articulation of logic beyond reason with passion beyond sense.
Plagiarize, v.t. To treat dullness homeopathically with a dilution of wit.
Sanctimony, n. The compassion in a politician, the dignity in a drunkard or the burning morality of preacher and prostitute.

Saturday, April 1, 2006