I know! I know!

According to the New York Times, the President of The United States of America said yesterday, “The voters out there need to ask the question, `Which political party will support the brave men and women who wear our uniform when they do their job of protecting America? Which political party is willing to give our professionals the tools necessary to protect the American people? Which political party has a strategy for victory in this war on terror?’'' Although your correspondent has long supported a policy of declared victory based on the negligible capacity of our government to fight a war on terror and remember itself at the same time, I acknowledge that the President has framed the debate in a manner more similar to the popular rubric. In service to Washington politicians and the electorate, I provide below the policy positions of both parties on these important issues so that our legislators will not be distracted from campaigning.

Which political party will support the brave men and women who wear our uniform when they do their job of protecting America?
REPUBLICAN: We believe that our men and women in uniform serve bravely and deserve our sincere gratitude and full support. They’re fighting someone or other over there so we won’t have to fight Democrats over here. If our party retains control of both houses of congress following the upcoming election, our men and women in Iraq and Afghanistan can look forward to a mission and body armor early in the next congress, with the approval of the President, of course.
DEMOCRAT: We will not cut. We will not run. We will not stay the course. If our party gains control of congress, we will lead our courageous troops in new directions and down new paths toward victory, beginning with the four cardinal points and a curlicue or pig’s tail pattern. A vote for the Democratic candidate is a vote for an inclusive strategic compass.

Which political party is willing to give our professionals the tools necessary to protect the American people?
REPUBLICAN: Our country is at war with an unseen enemy. This is a new kind of war in which victory cannot be achieved by aiming. It is impossible to defeat an unknown villain with focus. We face an enemy who lurks and must be confronted loitering. We cannot pursue a lawless, insubstantial, transnational enemy unto the very ends of the earth and destroy him within the confines of American institutions and the constitution. To protect the American people, the CIA must have access to all the tools necessary for victory including eyeless hoods over their heads, wires in their hands and dogs to consult. A vote for the Republican Party is a vote for the America envisioned by the founding fathers of Rome with the legislature acting at the pleasure of the Imperator and no judiciary.
DEMOCRAT: The CIA, NSA and other intelligence services should have the freedom to pursue terrorists by any manner and means, so long as they aren’t acting outside the law or within the President’s orders. If we had professionals to give tools to, we just might. A vote for the Democratic party is a vote for constitutional government with the legislature serving at the pleasure of the judiciary and no executive.

Which political party has a strategy for victory in this war on terror?
REPUBLICAN: We have a strategy for victory in this war on terror. Get re-elected. We would elaborate, but we put an “Impeach Foley” bumper sticker over the one with the plan and can’t remember all the details.
DEMOCRAT: We have a three-point plan for victory in this war on terror. Censure the President, study the polls and synchronize our magic 8-balls so we’re all on the same page.
With all due respect to the President, I suspect the American people will be deciding who to vote for on some other basis. Throwing the bums out sounds like a winner.
The Prattler Wordbook
BIBLICAL, adj. Of global truth, universal application and infinite misrepresentation.
BIBLIOPHILE, n. A collector of dust collectors.
BICAMERAL, adj. Monotonous.
BICEPHALOUS, adj. Twice bribed.
BICYCLE, n. A mechanical device designed to transport the body, inspire the spirit and and raise the hackles.
BID, v.i.. To petition the government.
BID, n. A challenge in cards, a promise at auction or a golfing outing in politics.
BIDE, v.i. To hesitate in hope of reward.
BIER, n. An honorable hustings.
BIERCE, AMBROSE GWINETT A satirist sufficient for his era perhaps not for ours.
BIFURCATE, v.t. To prepare two lies.
BIG, adj. Estimated.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

From the collection of Richard Samuel West / Periodyssey.