Hosing Off

Hosing Off

The American people have stood up, left their sofas, turned off their televisions and joined together in that greatest of united national exercises, hosing off the mud after a campaign. Beginning now we have other, more wholesome, matters to discuss just as soon as our traumatized, afflicted American heads can turn from politics to religion and art, meaning celebrity tomfoolery.
Things have changed in our nation with the conclusion of this last election. Most notably, ads for erectile dysfunction remedies have replaced accusations of misusing them. My phone no longer rings to deliver taped messages featuring nuns and nurses testifying that the proponents of an oil tax eat the kidneys of living saints. Catalogs for stores I never patronize have replaced circulars advocating votes I’d never cast in my mailbox. Like all true Americans I have been forgot pending the next treason. The silence of a certified election may be the one true grace of government by the people.
Things will change in our government, too as a result of this election. My Republican friends have discovered a new taste for bipartisanship, understanding and civility. All the Democrats have looked at the results and agree that they won. Verily, I tell you this is the dawn of a new era.
While the partisans debate what will change for the better and what for the worse in this new era, and each speculates how good or bad the world will become, there are a few sure things to expect. All are positive, although the Prattler has not yet started to panic that a Democratic congress will harm the market for satire. That improvements are certain measures only the depth to which our government has been mired.
But here is a short list of improvements in the federal government upon which we can depend.
No more administration officials testifying before congress while not under oath. The When Alberto Gonzalez, Attorney General of the United States was called before the Senate Justice Committee to testify on an anti-terror program in which Gonzalez had participate, which was clearly unconstitutional and almost as clearly criminal under more recent law, Senator Specter asked him, while not under oath whether taking the oath would change Gonzalez’ testimony. Assured it would not, the hearings were conducted without the oath. The Prattler understands that it is illegal to advocate the violent overthrow of the government or harm to it’s sitting officers but events like these discredit such laws. The Senator had made a thorough and comprehensive case for assassination and was never arrested. Democratic committee chairs are unlikely to receive false witness without first demanding a pledge that the lies told be the truth
Frantic chaos will replace listless intrangisence as the character of the do-nothing conference. It is unlikely that the next congress, with narrow majorities, little unity and facing a veto will accomplish more than the previous. However, in terms of calories expended by congressional members per billion dollars of taxes spent, we can look forward to more efficient machinery of state.
The Executive Branch will improve. Although the Bush administration has performed thus far at the low end of what one would expect from an unquestioned, unaccountable, pampered and over-funded company, the low end of performance expected from a questioned, accountable, attacked agency whose opponents control the purse is considerably higher. Americans who live in areas prone to hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, terrorism or television can go ahead and use some of that duct tape to repair their work clothes.
Note: The Prattler voted with the majority in two of the races higlighted in last week’s prose, more than in any of the last six elections and is alarmed.
And now, with memories of the recent congressional campaigns behind us, I present the following poem, published by Ambrose Bierce in 1884 as evidence of how far we’ve come in a mere century and a quarter.

COLONEL JACKSON’S PRAYER,
The moon was gilding all the vale
And Colonel Jackson praying;
His little night shirt wagged its tail;
This seemed what he was saying:

“O Lord, if ever I neglect
One Democrat to slander,
Or miss one term of disrespect-
‘Sneak,’ ‘Libertine,’ or “Pandar’;

“If e’er with insufficient zeal
I say that one’s a purse thief,
Yet do not make his mother feel
That she’s a vastly worse thief

“If any lie I’ve overlooked,
Or coarse calumniation
A foeman’s goose that might have cooked
On coals of defamation;

“If e’er I’ve failed through feeble hate
To pour a stream of mud out
On ‘the opposing candidate’-
Or let the villain’s blood out.

“Forgive me mine imperfect art
Where’er my work is slack, Lord;
For though my liver’s white, my heart--
Thou knowest it is black, Lord.”

The Prattler Wordbook
ELECT, v.t. To make an enemy.
ELECT, n. Those a higher power has ordained to persecute without sin.
ELECT, adj. Savory.
ELECTION, n. A moment of hope between two eras of disappointment.
ELECTIVE, adj. Jonesed for.
ELECTRA, A figure from Greek mythology who avenged the sins of her mother through the crimes of her brother.
ELECTRIC, adj. Painted.
ELECTRIC EEL, n.. The paragon of romance.
ELECTRODE, adj. The point of contact between two cultures.
ELECTRONIC, adj. Human.
ELEGANCE, n. Cultivated artlessness.
ELEGANT, adj. Deceptive.

FURTHER NOTE: I will be out of town this weekend, but hope to answer any comments by Monday. Last week there were no comments until Wednesday so I feel OK about this.

Saturday, November 11, 2006