HABEAS CORPUS, n.  A constitutional guarantee that all imprisoned persons have access to an open court in which to question their detainments provided they ask in Latin.

HABIT, n.  An addiction to confess.

HALCYON, adj.  At ease, peaceful, as the life available to someone who has 10% more than you have managed to scrabble together so far.

HALLOWED, p.p.  Justified by fate.

When the world was young, and I a child

Both of us were pretty wild

We scared the nervous and the old

Behaving carelessly and bold

With menace, malice and mad valor

We gave the frail and wan new pallor.

We never feared the mossy trees,

Reptiles, spiders or disease

We didn't mind the call to war,

Blood or bile or wile or gore.

We didn't jump at sudden sounds

Or angry barks from sloppy hounds,

We horrified for help and health

With naught to love but fear itself.

Now ancient evil's smoothly worn

As dolorous new wrongs are born

As sorry fools grow rich and famous

When we charge, there's none can blame us.

When parents join in trick-or-treating

The wilderness must be retreating

And once the worst have been defrauded,

Our misbehavior is applauded.

So, middle-aged and tamed, you see,

We've come to fear longevity.

HALLOWE’EN, n.  A holy day on which children pretend to be uncivilized in exchange for sweets.

HAMMER, n.  A blunt instrument as compared to a pick or a precise one by a statistic.

HAND, n.  The cards one has been dealt and will play. The wise look for the cards which would improve the hand, while the ambitious see them. The scoundrel recognizes the hand for what it is, plays what it should be (with a supplement from the sleeve if necessary) and fulfills the purpose of virtue by not suffering from it.

HANGMAN, n.  The humblest servant of a pious people and shepherd to the gathering wool.

HARANGUE, n.  The mumbling of the conscience through the echo-chamber of the soul and broadcast through a bullhorn.

HARPOON, n.  The Devil’s instrument in the cetacean scripture.

HARRIDAN, n.  A woman raised well but too far.

HARROW, n.  A means of cultivation not requiring speech or spoon.

HARSH, adj.  Having the effect of lye or truth.

HARVEST, v.t.  To gather what has grown and remember what was sewn.

HARVEST, n.  In agriculture, an annual exaggeration.

HARVEST MOON, n.  A heavenly portent of changing seasons from worrying about the weather to complaining about subsidies.

HAS-BEEN, n.  A person of formerly exaggerated significance.

HASH, n.  A petit melange with an Arabic name and an Irish aesthetic.  The name shares its root with HASHISH and ASSASSIN, which explains the character of the dish perfectly.

HASHISH, n.  An herbal remedy for reason, now out of fashion among poets.

HASTE, n.  Lapsed sloth.

HASTEN, v.i.  To expedite a deadline.

HASTINGS, BATTLE OF, n.  An invasion, heralded by Halley’s Comet, heralding heraldry.

HASTY, adj.  In an unthoughtful manner rather than an inactive one.

HASTY PUDDING, n.  Something wet and bland, I suppose.

HAUGHTY, adj.  Holding one’s head catlike except in plummet.

HEAD, n.  An auxiliary echo-chamber for the mouth.

HEALER, n.  An infectious affliction not easily passed.

With troubles in mind

And aching intestine,

And fear of the kind

Of friend worry lets in,

Saint Maggie McLoud

Took up holy vocation

And, pious and proud,

Gained fame in her location,

For curing some woes

With her hands' gentle touch

And sticking her nose

Into other troubles too much.

So before seeking solace

From fear and disease

Ask yourself, and be honest,

Is it not simpler to sneeze?

HEATHEN, n.  See CALIFORNIAN

HEAVEN, n.  A perfect place where sin remits and revenge forgets the certainty of which alone can explain the behavior of heaven’s pilgrims.

HEIGH-HO, int.  The work song of the dwarf and dinner bell of the giant.

HELL, n.  The reward awaiting the neighbor for our life of meritorious faith.

HERITAGE, n.  That portion of history least embarrassing to descendants.

HERMIT, n.  One whose ear and advice are frequently sought on matters of love and society.

HERS, adj.  Uneaten.

HEROIC, adj.  Able to maintain one’s color in a crisis.

HEROIC HAPPY DEAD, n.  The intestate.

HETEROGENOUS, adj.  Human.

HETEROSEXUAL, n.  A saved lecher.

HET UP, adj.  Inspired by venality and under observation.

HEW, v.t. To build by the removal of substance, as a knife handle from a tree or the law.

HEWN, adj.  Built to last.

HEX, v.t.  To elect.

HEYDAY, n.  Yesterday.

HIATUS, n. The interruption of a sabbatical.

HIBERNAL, adj.  Poetically frigid.

HIBERNATE, v.i.  To conserves one’s potential by resting or working.

HIBISCUS, n.  The birthmark of a Hawaiian.

HICK, n.  A less sophisticated rube.  The redneck in the next trailer.

HICCUP, n. A unit of honesty.

HIDDEN, adj. Ugly.

HIDE, v.i. To conceal, as on a t.v. talk show.

HIDEBOUND, adj. Stubborn and transient.

HIDEOUS, adj.  Uninterested.

HIERARCHY, n.  The mythology of everyday life.

HIEROGLYPHIC, n.  Verbose letters.

HIGGLEDY-PIGGLEDY, adv.  In the manner of an ethics lecture to a kindergarten class.

HIGH, adj.  On a weak branch or in a strong current.

HIGH BALL, n.  Harry’s chemotherapy, bless his soul.

HIGHBORN, adj.  Having low expectations.

HIGHER EDUCATION, adj.  Kindergarten with specifications and no standards.

HIJACK, v.t.  To dispossess without resorting to a pen.

HIJINKS, n.pl.  Hydrosobriety.

HIKE, v.i.  To enjoy the airs of enjoying clean air.

HINDER, v.t.  To provide with a forum.

HISTORIAN, n.  Someone who studies previous periods to illuminate earlier eras.

HISTORY, n.  The accomplishments of drunken actors as understood by sober scholars.

HITCH-HIKER, n.  A contagious fool.

HITONIOUS, adj.  Creepier than a possum’s grin and less than an uncle’s advice.

HOG, n.  A discrete euphemism for a valued coworker.

HO HO HO!, int.  The expression of someone expecting credit for bringing a gift without the responsibility of fixing it.

HOME, n.  A small elysium in which old failures never age, ancient follies never die, no lie is never forgotten and every pet’s a king.  The poorer the home, the more inhabited.

HOMEOPATHIST, n.  A medicinal chemist who relies on the theory that like cures like and the assumption that the patient is a fool. The homeopathist, who also propounds the efficacy of extreme dilution and the memory of water, is highly sought after for bartending.

HOMESICK, adj.  Yearning for restoration as an abuser of foreign riff-raff.

HOMILY, n.  A sacred substitute for a base fantasy.

HONEST, adj.  Having lies on the lips and a frog in the throat.  Wearing your ring on a date.

HONORABLE, adj.  Scrupulous in denouncing only the most plausible sins of one's opponents and friends. Having a clean and crisply ironed sleeve in which to house an Ace.

HORROR, n.  An uncatchy advertising jingle.

HORSE, n.  The hostage negotiator of the open range.  Successor to the dove as paragon of modern love.

HOSPITAL, n.  A veterinary establishment providing care to insurance, illness and public policy.  A saloon for the anti-social.

HOUSE, n.  A love stronger than wanderlust, when mortgaged.

There are seven loves a boy will know

Along his life's great curve

Each one, like lye, corrodes the soul

And, like alcohol, preserves.

The first of these is love of kind:

Of mother and father and cousin.

It's milk is milk and does remind

To wash after each stranger he does in.

The second love is love of self,

Learned at the onset of speaking,

Enobling even the commonest whelp

And debasing the neighboring king.

The third affection he will know

Is love of competition.

Whether gifted well to run and throw

Or slander and sedition.

The fourth love is known as romance

And lasts until he's jaded.

It once began at High School Dance

But starts now when he's first graded.

The next we find, if life is kind

Is love of property:

A house, a car, a spouse, his mind.

It's adored, what comes unmoored and brings his dignity.

He may yet age and then grow fond

Of rectitude and right;

A pious fish in empty pond,

Bubbling righteous spite.

The love to which man comes at last

Is for silence, even death:

Released from tales of his past

And recounting of his debt.

-- Omar Kháyyam Boone

HUG, v.t.  To constrain with bonds of affection while the iron bands reach welding temperature.

HUMILITY, n.  The virtue distinguishing God-fearing Christians from self-loving nonbelievers.

HUNGER, n.  Any appetite in its keen or acute state, which is to say, any appetite every other moment.  The father of all the muses.

HUSTINGS, n. pl.  The stump of a perfectly good hanging tree.

To an abandoned mining town,

Southwest of Nye County

A man came to avoid the crowd

And elude a public bounty.

There stood a shambled dairy.

But where he built his lair,

Was a run down cemetery

Where the man campaigned for mayor.

"For though your prospects came to harm

I swear I've heard your pleas

I'll bear arms against the worm 

And shelter all the fleas.

"Although your time might have passed

And the reward been won for most

There's no excuse for earthly taxes

Levied on a ghost.

"Though Carson City threatens woe

Against our community,

When I'm mayor of Palmetto

We'll choose our destiny."

He campaigned long and promised bold,

But there's no mayor in that town.

For though the dead endorsed him cold,

The unions turned him down.

-Colonel Fremont

HYENA, n.  An animal which has evolved beyond discrimination in its dietary and sexual practices, combining the timidity of the raccoon with the scruples of Paris.  Native to Africa, Europe and Asia, the hyena was imported to North America, where it thrives today in the production of entertainment and as judges.

HYGEIA, n.  The Greek goddess of health, mythic forbear to Perfumora, Deodorantia and Vesuvius.

HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n.  A complex psychological condition caused by poor digital diet, environmental pathogens such as Infoococcus wikiensis, Spiro googlegaster and Insomnial psychophagia.

HYPOCRITE, n.  A human alleging hypocrisy.

“There is no evil in this world

To small to be deplored

By candidates out on the trail

Or sinners when they’re bored.”

-Anselma de Juan Bautista de Flores Alarcón