C

CABBAGE, n. In politics and eggrolls, the stuffing.

CAIN, n.p. A culture warrior when it meant something.

CALAMITY, n. Any result favored by probability, predicted by history, consistent with common sense but contradictory to the pride of the wagerer or idle spectator.

CALIFORNIAN, adj. Eastwardly mobile.

CALLIOPE, n. The soundtrack of the merry-go-round and perdition.

CALLOUS, n. A thickening of the hand caused by softness of the heart or hardness of the head. Reality, metaphorically.

What is the price of experience? Do men buy it for a song?

Or for illuminated verse, unmetered, unrhymed and long?

Can wisdom be found in the apostrophe truncating

Cascading lines that wand'r contemplating?

Can a poem bridle life's urgent restrictions,

In hand-written text or illustrat'd editions?

No! For truth to emerge, it must puncture the skin

And grind down the slave from without, not within.

Wisdom is gain'd in forests, not of simile but trees.

But for song, sketch or haircut one can buy expertise.

-Blake Williams

CANDY, n. An effective decoy for affection but, sadly, not conversation.

CANINE, adj. Long in the tooth and quick with the tail.

CANNIBALISM, n. The sympathy of the hamster for ecology.

CANNON, n. Civilization’s herald trumpet.

CARNIVOROUS, adj. Believing in both reincarnation and evangelism.

CARTEL, n.. A conspiracy without campaign ads.

CARTILAGINOUS, adj. Of the spine.

CARTOGRAPHY, n. War.

CARTON, n. A container of milk advertizing lost children.

CARTOON, n. An absurdist depiction of reality in which mice and cats are enemies, politicians mammals and children cuss.

CARTOONISH, adj. Credible.

CARTWHEEL, n. To deftly exchange hands for feet without writing a column.

CARVE, v.t.. To govern a roast turkey.

CASE, v.t. To campaign.

CASE, n. A detainment requiring the writ of Habeas Corpus and governed by the constitution and laws of the land, currently thought to be 99% of the total in the United States.

CASE LAW, n. A prior irrelevancy.

CASH, n. Legal tenderness.

CAT, n. Rejection in a rabbit skin.

CAUCUS, n. The corralling of sheep for quadrennial fleecing.

I have known something of slaughter,

Of cow, pig, sheep and lamb;

Of goose from the air and trout from the water.

By coercion, pressure and stealth, man

Brings his food to the edge of his knife

To let the blood and harvest the meat.

From the blood of fellow creatures, life.

Making cold what brings him heat.

The cattle in the final feedlot,

The sheep outside the abattoir,

Forget the hay they finally need not

And resist the pastoral peace of the farm.

While the only meat that's elected and paid,

Turns its own neck to the butcher's blade.

CAVEAT, n. Prelude to a con.

CEASE, v.t.. To leave for another.

CEASEFIRE, n. To beat swords into a daggers.

CEASELESS, adj. Young.

CEDAR, n. A sweet-scented wood used to discourage moths from eating grandpa.

CEDE, v.t.. To surrender defense in favor if revenge.

CEILING, n. The kindest mirror.

CELEBRANT, n. A fool without a cause.

CELEBRATE, v.i. To commemorate the triumph of Dionysus over Haephestus, Morpheus over Dionysus and Ares over Morpheus. .

CELEBRATION, n. The succession of the jester to the throne.

CELERY, n. A vegetable that, more or less, has to be good for you.

CELESTIAL, adj. Obedient to the inverse-square law, the three laws of thermodynamics and the principal that the obtuse have an explanation for anything.

CELESTIAL EQUATOR, n. The infinite extension of anthropocentrism to the furthest reaches of an incurious universe.

CELIBACY, n. Virtue’s indulgence.

CELIBATE, adj. Chivalrous.

CELLULAR TELEPHONE, adj. A technology with which people may ignore each other at great distance while overlooking puddles, lamp-posts and their own children.

CEMETERY, n. The trysting place where our abilities and ambitions finally meet.

CHARITY, n, A means for maintaining in poverty those we resent in prosperity. According to the Apostle Paul. a superior quality to faith and hope. That which Joshua Bar Joseph holds an action superior to reason. A temptation from sound labor policy in the denunciations of many a faithful minister.

CHEMISTRY, n. Either cure for erectile disfunction.

CHERUB, n. A heavenly fruitfly, Drosophila Oprahgaster.

CHIMPANZEE, n. A cousin of man, uncle to men.

CHIVALRY, n. The valor of a knight whose princess remains safely in the tower.

CHORUS, n. The congregational keepers of the mysteries, arbiters of conflict and independent mission review board. A choir of consultants.

CHRISTIAN, n. One who confesses that Jesus died for the sanctimonification of sinners. A member of a religious community demanding great piety and needing a little blasphemy.

CHRISTMAS, n. The last opportunity of the calendar year to prove wholesomeness and generosity before the New Year bacchanal gives way to the season of tax fraud.

CHRYSALIS, n. The static stage in the life cycle of a butterfly, symbolizing change.

The only things that never change

Are comfort food, drink and the pupal stage.

As you prepare to meet the new

Here's a guide for what to do:

Change can be managed by attrition,

Says the paper's short edition,

Or enjoyed by those upon the ocean

As long as there's not too much motion.

It's healthy now and then to shed,

Or molt or shave or give up bread.

Epiphany came to the walrus,

The Manson clan and Saul of Tarsus,

But real change comes without warning,

When we wake up every morning.

CHUCK, v.t. To throw in the unique manner of a child, at once idly and with malice, before the reason’s onset prohibits such contradictions.

CINEPHILE, n. Vitaphobe.

CIRCLE, n. The course pursued by great explorers, eminent logicians and limping schoolboys,

CIRCUMSPECT, adj. Seedless.

CIRCUS, n. A workplace with a calliope.

CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE, n. Collective alienation.

CLAIRVOYANT, adj. Able to see into the future for a good hiding place.

CLIO, n. An annual award given for excellence in advertising. Although hardly noteworthy among honors and awards for success in deceit and misdirection, it does look nice on the mantle.

CLUB, n. An assembly of the unwelcome, gathered to exclude the absent.

COMMERCE, n. An exchange in which things of value prosper by falling into the grasping hands of strangers.

COMMON, adj. Proud.

A young snow white horse, running loose on a hillside,

Nearly tripped on a lost little lamb.

White clouds crossed the heavens, and held up a rainbow

And the colt said "ain't the simple life grand?"

The lamb shook his woollen head and responded

"I wish I could find all my friends.

I've no-one to follow and I feel unbonded.

Is this anovie? When will it end?"

The colt raised his head and whinnied, majestic

"Why not learn to cherish the grace?

There are hillsides to gambol and streams to explore

And a big sky above filled with lace."

"To few it is offered," the happy horse added,

"To make solitary one's herd.

Where 'seldom' is heard, men have put up fences

For 'common' is what they've preferred."

The little lost lamb then looked up in wonder

For this wisdom had left him more addled,

"If freedom's the cure for a life put asunder

Then why are you wearing that saddle?"

COMPLIMENT, n. A caress offered the ego, spirit or belly. Whichever is nearest the pocket.

CONCEIT, n. The faith that tomorrow brings a grander illusion.

CONDESCENSION, n. The promise of improvement without change and change without difference.

CONFEDERACY, n. Two or more brought together by divergent interests.

CONGREGATION, n. A zoological garden of domesticated sin.

CONGRESS, n. The holy ghost of the constitutional trinity elected to correct the future by caning the present and debasing the past.

CONSCIENCE, n. A mechanism for lacking what you find.

CONSEQUENCE, n. The enemy of intention, neighbor to destiny and sister of a wish.

CONSERVATIVE, n. In the United States, a recent convert to large government, federal supremacy, nation-building as foreign policy, protectionism and the regulation of personal behavior. A lifelong adherent to traditional principles.

CONSIDERATION, n. The mental manufacture of fellowship and alibi.

The Two Monks

Once upon a time, two monks named Abba Abercrombie and Abba Nelson crossed paths in the desert, days from any stream or spring. Abba Abercrombie offered Abba Nelson the last of his water. Abba Nelson gratefully drank, and asked Abba Abercrombie how to repay the kindness.

"It is a greater kindness to accept hospitality than to give it. It is I who is in your debt." Abba Abercrombie explained.

"But, if you had been thirsty and I had water would you have taken the last of it?" Abba Nelson inquired, worried that he had left his new friend in jeopardy.

"No, brother," the holy man answered, "for I was taught that where kindness kills, it is better to steal." and he left with the younger monk's food and his debt repaid.

CONVERSATION, n. A homeopathic remedy for thought and action.

CONVERT, v.i. To reordain.

COQUETTE, n. A siren for stutterers.

CORSAIR, n. Every major carrier’s secret name.

COURAGEOUS, adj. Selectively submissive.

COURT RECORD, n. A true account of false witness.

COW, n. To Krishna a saint and to Cadmos, a guide, to Muhammed a dream and to a cowboy a bride.

CREDITOR, n. A trojan horse built indoors.

CRONE, n. Another man’s yogi.

CROSS, n. An artifact of faith when worn on the back.

CRUCIFY, v.t. To fix with nails what’s unconstrainable by congress.

CRUSADE, n. The defense of Christendom abroad.