The Prattler

Baby’s First Electoral Strategy

Fri, 7 Mar 2008 18:39:07 -0800

These are hard times for political independents looking to support one party or another. The Republican Party, for whom most of us have cast most of our votes is fully despicable now and entirely corrupted by the sin of pig-lipstickery among others. The Democratic Party seems attractive, unless you listen to them. Speaking arrogantly for and in the interest of myself and all other non-partisan americans, I offer gratis, this list of five things Democrats can do to trick us into thinking we like them.

Lesson #1: If you are an intelligent moderate, don’t pretend to be a populist orangutan.

This is simple. Populism and poverty reinforce each other positively. I know positive reinforcement sounds like a Democratic value so let me rephrase that: Populism and poverty establish a Republican cycle. You can help us vote for you by not telling people they can accomplish through government intervention what they are unable to achieve by effort. Populist sentiments and protectionist policies have never ever ever been promoted from the hustings except by thieves, cut-throats and scoundrels and have never worked anyway except to make new populists by broadening poverty. Members of both parties tend to forget that fact but we remember. To win the independent vote, it’s probably best not to run at all in Ohio, Michigan or Alabama. The temptation is just too strong.

Lesson #2: Beware ten pounds of manure in a five pound sack.

Although The Prattler fell unregistered from his mother’s womb or else was similarly hatched, most non-partisan voters are former partisan voters. Here’s why the former Democrats are former Democrats: the iterative solutions for the same problem. One would have to really look, even in rural places, even in Irish neighborhoods, even in evangelical churches for someone who doesn’t agree that desegregation was a good idea. The eleventh or twelfth massive government intervention into people’s lives for the purpose of stamping out the native evil in the common man was a little much. The Prattler holds with those who believe in evolution but is skeptical that it can be rushed. Granted, at the moment the risk of Democratic over-reach seems negligible.

Lesson #3: Consider the lilies of the field and sow accordingly.

They turn not neither do they spin, and not even Solomon tried to rule as a vine. It has been with some alarm that The Prattler has been reading the arguments that the Obama partisans have made against the superdelegates, those made by Clinton partisans against the caucuses and the perplexion of both camps toward the byzantine, unpredictable system of nomination. To the outsider, this is all alarming, not because either a Clinton presidency or an Obama presidency is urgently compelling or forbidding but because this is exactly the kind of over-engineered social institution that scares the undamaged independent. Large entities, like national parties and federal governments don’t do nuance well and can’t promise everyone satisfaction. To win the confidence of independent voters, small goals with simple solutions are credible. It really is best not to remind us of what government will look like under your command while you are yet campaigning.

Note: It has just been reported that Democrats have picked up the seat of former Republican speaker of the house, Dennis J. Hastert who has been mocked in this space before. It seems the above advice was just in time.

The Mendacity of hope

Sat, 1 Mar 2008 00:00:22 -0800

Welcome back to all and sundry or no one, as appropriate. The Prattler will make the sincerest effort that the elapsed half-year since the last column will not have dimmed his dyspepsia nor lightened his mood.

The California Republican Party is led by some of the most excruciatingly slow-moving suicides who ever dawdled this vale of tears. That which is most precious to them is loss and all that they can do to protect and preserve it they will do, just as soon as they finish abrading one more emery board across their calloused wrists. Their latest, listless step towards that distant ledge was a decision to disallow independents from voting in the Republican primary on Super Tuesday.

This is how your Prattler, a non-partisan McCain supporter, came to vote for Barak Obama in the Democratic Primary. A second vote in November was always unlikely but in February there was some momentary vapor of enthusiasm. Although there is little doubt of Senator Obama’s good qualities which include an impressive mind and a gentleman’s inclination to use it at length, your correspondent is now afflicted with renter’s remorse.

Granted the great intelligence that Obama’s supporters laud and his opponents concede; given the thoughtfulness his supporters proclaim and his opponents won’t deny; assuming the purity that his supporters believe will cure lepers and the blind and that has withered and blinded Hillary Clinton then how can we explain the eloquent denunciation of NAFTA since the campaign turned to Ohio or the proposal for universal health care without a universal mandate. Could a man that smart, that intellectual and that honest really blame NAFTA for the loss of American jobs? Could he really believe it is economically plausible to deny insurers the right to exclude sick people without requiring the healthy to buy insurance?

If you answered yes to either question, it might be best if you take down the Obama poster and stop watching his speeches on YouTube for at least a week. Also, the crepe paper and votive candles. And just so you know, Will I. Am’s Obama song is not a mass. Obama’s health plan is designed to promise the most to the greatest number of people while demanding the least from the fewest. Which is to say, it is not designed to work. The portrayal of American workers as victims of trade and greed and NAFTA is something Obama knows not to be so and couldn’t correct as President. If he were the messiah so many of his followers await, he probably still couldn’t do much of anything about it.

Moreover, false outrage over phony abuses with absurd solutions, weakly implemented with showy resolve are the very core of the Bush/Rove approach that has served our country so poorly. Based on his recent speeches and debate performances, Senator Obama is either a fool, cruel or a panderer. The Prattler remains convinced of Obama’s great intelligence and good intentions. If all a candidate offers is implausible policy and vague “change,” it is important to deliver the latter.

Greenspun

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 23:18:53 -0700

Alan Greenspan, the delphic former Chair of the United States Federal Reserve Bank and, once, the world’s most powerful bachelor, has published his memoirs and taken to the talk-show circuit According to Bob Woodward’s biography, a meeting between Greenspan, a lifelong Republican already in power, and President-elect Bill Clinton reversed the fiscal policies of the former and deserves much credit for the prosperity the United States enjoyed under the latter’s administration. Certainly the meeting between the long-winded Governor of Arkansas and the languid Fed chair was propitious in that it ended without many dead by their own hands.

The media has given Greenspan’s book a lot of attention for his criticism of the integrity of his fellow Republicans and particular the allegation that Republicans have traded principle for power. It is a comfort to find “the maestro” in retirement after a lifetime of projection, prognostication, manipulation, correction, reflection, reaction and prediction, finally behind the curve.

The United States Senate took time away from other failures to condemn an ad by MoveOn.org scandalizing the General David Petraeus. A man who has come into the actual sights of genuine killers is unlikely to be damaged by playground taunts in the New York Times. The ad was a juvenile idiocy bought at a discount , which would explains congress’ discomfort.

Here in California, the state Republican leadership has rejected the Governor’s call for centrism in a bold cleavage to their 289-page platform of principles which are, chiefly, to doubt the evidence of the eyes, follow the feelings that well-up in the pious liver, confess no sins and punish the neighbor for proximity. Surely, these brave activists are guiltless of Greenspan’s allegation and irrelevancy becomes them.

Bob Bilbray (R-San Diego) has risen from obscurity in the U.S. Congress to become the latest demagogue to challenge the immigration regime he has helped to preserve. As quoted this week in Waking Ambrose, Bilbray challenged a non-partisan and peer-reviewed study which supports the consensus of economists, that immigration is a key factor in prosperity and undocumented immigration profits government coffers as violating “every concept of fact we have in Washington or Sacramento.”

Bilbray cited a study by The Heritage Foundation, which exists for the sole purpose of making Republican politicians sound less stupid than they would alone. The Heritage Foundation study found that people with incomplete educations are costly burdens on government. The conclusion was irrelevant to the argument, but proven in the telling.

Meanwhile, the Democrats in Congress have proven their worth by delivering oratory when they should ask questions, asking questions when they should issue subpoenas and limiting legislation to condemnations and cafeteria orders. They may be applauded for accomplishing in a mere nine months what the previous Republican majority needed six years to do, and we may reasonably hope for an encore.

The Prattler Wordbook

KNACK, n.. A special skill or ability such as emerging a cesspool and smelling like a rose.
KNAVE, n. A servant from the middle ages or a modern leader.
KNAVISH, adj. Courageous.
KNEE, n. The head of a suitor, heart of a pastor or the spine of a politician.
KNEE-DEEP, adj. In over your head.
KNEE-JERK, adj. Civic.
KNEEL, n. To stand tall.
KNELL, v.i. To ring in a slow and solemn manner, like a raccoon’s tail on an oildrum.
KNIFE, n. A prosthetic vertebra.
KNIGHTHOOD, n. The honor bestowed upon a hero or donor.
KNIT, v.i. To weave for the purpose of making a gossip.
KNOB, n. The mechanism on a television for announcing the news.
KNOCK, v.i. 1. To slander by words or association.
KNOCK ABOUT, n. To move purposelessly, as a legislative sponsor.
KNOLL, n. A small hill or mound for hiding conspiracies atop.
KOL NIDRE, n. A prayer of spoken by Jews for atonement and quoted by Catholics for estrangement.

The Ron Paul Inaugural

Sat, 8 Sep 2007 09:07:40 -0700

Not too terribly long ago, we published a document claiming to be the Romney Inaugural speech as captured by a time-traveling Iranian spacecraft. Another document found in the same cache, but less credible is the following inaugural speech by Dr. Ron Paul:

“Fellow-countrymen,

In the course of recent history, one party has made laws to protect the nation and one party has accepted laws to let the nation perish. Is not every freedom, first and foremost, the right of secession is the essential one. If a state cannot remove itself from a tyrannical nation, if a region cannot remove itself from a submissive state, if a man cannot leave his home then there is no freedom that’s essential and fundamental. We who love freedom, must also love independence and accept division.

Some have chosen war to threaten our nation. Other have accepted war to defend our nation. We have resisted war, to preserve life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But we have armed to the teeth.

It is in great humility, with no malice toward none of those who have removed themselves as our countrymen and with charity towards all that I accept your votes and offer my service as the first President of The Republic of The 14th Congressional District of Texas, so that the Government of the person, by the person and for the person shall not perish from the Earth. Thanks, scruffy! Good boy!”

The public attention has finally turned from the trysts of wealthy goofballs to the injustices inflicted upon the Jena 6. We can hope that justice will finally be served in this case and the proper punishment for fighting in High School, to wit, a sore jaw and bruised knuckles, will once again suffice. Hoping for an America without injustice and ignorance, however, is as big a stretch as calling a butt-whuppin’ Attempted Murder 2. Suffering fools is the first duty of the patriot.

Governor Schwarzenegger delivered the keynote address to the California Republican Party Convention to a mixed reception. Most of the positive reviews can be attributed to the fact that the party is flat broke. His most recent offense against the party faithful was to suggest they edit down their lengthy platform into a few core principles. A prophet is never honored in his own home town, nor a discriminating editor by a mob.

Speaking of secession, succession, Ron Paul and Arnold Schwarzenegger, it seems to The Prattler that Paul, Schwarzenegger and John McCain are the most promising politicians the Republican party has to offer. A good Republican is a despised one. Now is the time for a new party, one with Republican ideals, a clean conscience and no voters.

The Prattler Wordbook

JIBE, v. To agree, as a remembered prediction with a measured result.
JIFFY, n. In a slumbering instant.
JIG, n. The Irish allocation of sobriety.
JIGGER, n. Too little.
JIGGLE, v.i. To express laterally rather than literally.
JIGGLY, adj. Articulate.
JIGSAW PUZZLE, n. A child’s toy, meant to stimulate visual recognition, spatial interpretation and delegation.
JIHAD, n. The Muslim equivalent of a Christian crusade or a Jewish negotiation. A defensive war against the indifferent.
JILT, v.t. To revoke future complaints.
JIM CROW, n. The system under which black Americans were deprived of opportunity, the vote, security which was eventually struck by federal courts in favor of the right to be made fools of.
JIM-DANDY, n. A person or thing that delights, such as the first of several jokes or a policeman arresting the neighbor.
JINGLE, n. The call to charity preceding Christmas.
JINGO, n. A traitor on camera.
JINX, n. A period of likely results.
JIVE, n. Ethnic yammer.
JIVE, v. To speak colloquially, in so far as standard grammatical constructions may not be observed and the vocabulary is descriptive, often onomotpoetic, but damn.
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Fare-well to all them

Sat, 1 Sep 2007 09:57:20 -0700

The President of the United States of America, this week, lost the services of his Attorney General and his chief political strategist. The White House staff is getting taller even as it shrinks. Alberto Gonzalez, The departing A.G. leaves with the distinction of being the last American to believe he should stay. Karl Rove, the strategist, is the only American to think he’s gone.

Parting, in both cases, is a gentle sorrow. Although both men have compelling backstories- Gonzalez, the son of a hard working Mexican immigrant and Rove, the hatchling of Eris- their accomplishments are of doubtful merit. While not doing one’s jobs is something most Americans are prepared to tolerate, Gonzalez actually undid his. Rove’s accomplishments were dramatic, but principally dedicated to the advancement of Gog and Magog rather than any member of the U.N.

Having consulted a gipsy and four lawyers regarding the possibility that Rove and Gonzalez’ leaving would restore law and order to the federal executive apparently, it is as likely as a Democratic congress doing so. Don’t go out at night, and for the love of your freedom, don’t write a blog.

Regarding Senator Larry Craig, the Republican who has voted against the bills supported by gay political action groups 100% of the time who is expected to resign today over the furor from allegations of seeking gay sex in public places, the Prattler is largely uninterested. There is this, though: Journalism is better for leaving behind the boozy world of teenage semi-starlets in cars for the loftier and more substantial fields of congressional trysting in airports. In fact, trolling for anonymous oral sex in a public toilet marks a distinctive step up for the Senate, as well. Although the man might fall, the nation is better today for his troubles.

It should be said, though, the coherence of the nation hasn’t been helped. As the left and the right make their cases on the meaning of the Senator’s troubles, both professional pundits and amateurs, it must be noted not one rational sentence has appeared. The closest was the Economist blogger who attributed it all to the slow news cycle in August.

If there is meaning in this, it is the restoration of Clintonian incontinence and irrelevance. Again, a step up for the executive branch as well.

The Prattler Wordbook

IF, conj. Despite, politically. Ne’er. poetically.
IGLOO, n. A home with the frost on the outside.
IGNEOUS, adj. Of or related to fire, as opposed to EARNEST, of or related to smoke.
IGNITE, v.t. To prepare for investigation.
IGNOBLE, adj. Voraciously fixated on finishing her sandwich.
IGNOMINY, n. The shame born by the accused of frivolous, slanderous and malevolent pundits and the lazy mouth-breathers watching from home.
IGNORANCE, n. The limitation of knowledge, as suffered by specialists.
IGNORANT, adj. Disagreeable.
IGNORE, v.t. To bless.
IGUANA, n. The ideologue of the lizard order.
ILK, n. A class of individuals.
ILL, adj. Late.
ILL-ADVISED, v.t. Certain.
ILLEGAL, adj. Unwarranted or warrantless.
ILLEGITIMATE, adj. Born.
ILL-EQUIPPED, adj. On the short list.