What really matters- Managing the Feeling of Distress- The expanding range of emotions our toddlers experience includes the distress from mistakes and the shame from doing something wrong. Our toddlers now have more thoroughly internalized standards and feelings arise when those standards are not met. We want to help our child gain awareness of those feelings and help them recognize those feelings in others.          

How to put it into practice-

My Experience-

Whitney early on revealed her disposition for keeping things neat and clean. Frequently, she would show signs of distress whenever she made a mess of something around the house. So for example, while scribbling when she went off the paper, she would experience a feeling of distress for having created a mistake and mark on the table (see Off Paper Mistake video). She would stop what she was doing and the feeling would motivate her to go correct her mistake and clean up. (See Correcting Mistake video).

Tuning In-

Whitney only goes a little bit off the paper but she has a definite and immediate reaction to the “mistake”. Her older brother would have never even hesitated from such a event; in fact, would have probably relished the fact that the mark was created wherever he placed the crayon. Whitney was different. She again show that she did not like a mess and it created mild distress for her. Enough so that she felt compelled to go clean it up. From her eating and spilling food at mealtime, Whitney knew how to go get a paper towel and wipe up her messes.

Extending/Bridging-

All children are different and different events will solicit these universal emotions of distress or shame. The frequency and depth of these feelings vary from child to child. Our little girl could definitely be labled a “neat freak” and so we tried to create a healthy relationship with the feeling of distress that would come from inevitable mistakes while eating, scribbling or other play. Managing distress is as simple as acting on that feeling. We quickly taught whitney how to go get her own paper towel and clean up whatever was causing her her feelings. She learned to could act on her feelings and change the situation.