What really matters- Empathy & the “heart qualities”- Affection, kindness, sympathy, tenderness, gentleness and generosity. A toddler’s pleasure in doing the right thing is grossly under recognized and under appreciated.  Empathy co-evolves with our little ones emotional development and their personal experience of emotions & feelings. Our little ones have a rich palette of feelings and can identify those emotions in others. Who has not seen a toddler bring a blanket or favorite toy to a sibling or friend in distress. (see Sharing Blanky video).

Much research has shown that happiness and life contentment does not come with material wealth nor with more strict intelligence; instead, it comes with an affection and compassion for others. If we want our babies to ultimately lead a happy life, we need to sow the seeds by identifying and nurturing the right dispositions and “heart qualities”.

How to put it into practice-

My Experience-

As in all parenting, I learned here that what I do is much more important than what I say. Modeling is key. If i would get agitated or angry then the situation just got worse. The first thing a baby can read is your emotion and behavior and they will immediately respond to that. It made me reflect on my own character traits and what an important influence that is on my toddler.

Tuning In-

It is tough to read our toddlers expressions to determine the feelings and emotions present. From 0 to 6 months of age, research shows that babies reveal distress, happiness, interest and disgust. Before 1 yr, they will add anger, fear and sadness. And between 1 & 2 years, pride, possessiveness, affection, generosity and anxiety will emerge. We can tune our radars to look for this full panopoly of feelings and try to identify and discuss them with our toddlers. Raising awareness around the emotions being felt is the first step in building empathy.

Extending/Bridging-

There are two basic skills we want to help our little ones exercise. The first is identifying and managing their own personal feelings and emotions and the second builds off the first in helping to recognize and empathsize when those same feelings and emotions are playing in others.

1. Help with Identifying and Managing Personal Emotions using “Emotional Coaching”

John Guttman, author of Raising a Emotionally Intelligent Child, describes the process of emotional coaching which is so critical during this period:

- Empathize with your child: show and say, “I understand”

- Help your child name the feeling- use statements like "I can see you feel sad about that"

- Acknowledge and validate their feelings: Say, “I know it is really frustrating when ...”

- Solicit their problem-solving: say, "I know you're upset with your sister for taking your toy, but you can't hit her.” Demonstrate what else you can do if you get mad? Early on show or give her options; over time our toddlers will come up with their own ideas.

- Provide a model of calmness: check your emotions; be in control and say, “It upsets me when you do that” rather than yelling  “Your driving me nuts”.

   

2. Point out and try to help her feel the emotions of others.

Other people’s emotions are an obvious other source of helping our toddlers recognize the same feelings they are experiencing can be felt in others.

1. -One of the earliest ways to help them empathize is called “Shared Affect” when both you and your toddler feel the same emotion at the same time. Say a loud helicopter or airplane passes over head, you can point to the the plane so that both of your attention is on the plane and share your excitement or surprise in seeing this interesting machine so close by. Now that our toddlers are older we can describe the feeling and talk about it in a more elaborate way.
   

2. -Another common experience for toddlers is the experience of siblings or friends emotions. For example, if a sidling gets hurt and is crying, as mentioned above, our toddlers will bring over a comfort object in show of empathy for the other.
   

3. -Lastly, now that pretend play is emerging, it is common to see toddlers project feelings and desires onto inanimate objects and their playthings. Whitney loved her little play dolls and would project that they were hungry or want their own blanky for comfort (see Baby Care video). These are excellent opportunities to elaborate on what the baby doll might be feeling and what might appropriate responses be based on those feelings.