What really matters- Setting Limits essential for moral development- Whit as a toddler is simply more in charge of her behavior. Her increased mobility gives her the ability to do what she wants and propels an even stronger sense of self. Toddlers love to open drawers, boxes and cabinets; find and take out all the interesting stuff. To all extents, we do not want to stifle this exploration and independence. Job 1 is to nurture their exploration and help them learn about their world as described in last quarter (Toddler Q1), they are forming important mental models about how the world works. But at same time we have to introduce limits. The real world is full of rules that people have to understand and obey. And just as toddlers discover the physical laws through their exploration, they also need to discover the “moral laws”-- what they should and should not do. If they run toward the street, try to place their fork in an electrical outlet, or climb up on a table to pull the lamp off. They learn that “NO!” means they must not do that. Learning limits and rules goes right along with all the other kind of learning they are doing.

How to put it into practice-

Since Whit and toddlers in general can do alot more than infants and they are not as willing to accept our restrictions as readily, more conflict will arise between us and our toddlers. We have all seen the explosion of frustration or anger when we deny our toddlers the thing they desire. Or even unprovoked, one moment your child is cruising around full of joy; the next he's full of frustration and throwing his toys across the room. So the main question to ask ourselves is: How do we best provide discipline and limits that get our child to respect our rights and others’ needs while at the same time respecting the rights and needs of our child. How do we provide the right foundations for moral development.

So here is the advice experts give such as Tom Lickona, author of Raising Good Children and Educating for Character and my experience with trying to apply it:

1. Create a environment that maximizes safe exploration-

The research is clear that babies and toddlers are more likely to obey their parents when their parents respected their needs. So we need to give them lots of opportunity to satisfy their need to explore. The obvious first steps are putting covers on all household plugs, placing safe objects in the drawers and behind the doors your toddler can reach in the bathroom, kitchen and around the house. Everyone has a different tolerance for what they will let their toddler get into. We were pretty expansive in our household, letting Whitney explore most of what she could get her hands on from our toothbrushes, the shaving cream can, the cosmetics, turned off fax machines and office equipment and unused remote controls to the to even taboo items like the toilet paper rolls she loved to unfurl to other items you would never want any guest to see. Everyone sets their own threshold but make it a expansive as you can tolerate.

2. Set and Enforce Consistent Limits-

Amongst all that exploration in as safe an environment as you can, there will still be needs for limits. And they need to be fixed and consistent so pick your battles. If you’re going to say No! you need to say it every time. If we are not consistent, we will just confuse our toddlers and frustrate their efforts to figure things out -- always testing when is it really a limit and when they can get away with it. I found this consistent implementation the toughest part because a lot of the time it is easiest just to let it go and not enforce your rules. And that is why we picked as small a set as possible and strictly enforced them. For example, any hitting/biting, heading towards the busy road in front of house, any small objects going into her mouth, all would receive an immediate No! Then we would always state the rule and the reason for it. “No, we do not put small objects in our mouth; it is dangerous and you could choke.” Reasons for rules get us all off to the right start. By reasoning with them, we help them develop their ability to reason about right and wrong.

3. State the positive alternative & use distraction-

The accepted idea of “positive discipline” is to tell them what they may do as an alternative to what they cannot. You provide the clear positive model of acceptable behavior. If they hit, take their hand and show them how to touch and stroke gently. If they write on the floor, state the rule “No! You may not write on the floor”. State the reason, “it makes a mess and ruins our home”; And give a positive alternative: “Here is a big piece of paper, you may write on that.”

A corollary to the positive alternative is “Distraction”. We don’t need to turn limit-setting into a continual contest of wills. The tried and true method of distraction, let’s us avoid alot of power struggles by saying no and quickly offering something else that will capture their attention. (see Coffee to Ball video to right).

4. Employ “Emotional Coaching”

Enforcing a limit frequently results in a strong emotional reaction. It is an excellent time to teach your child how to manage her emotions. John Guttman, author of Raising a Emotionally Intelligent Child, describes the process of emotional coaching which is so critical during this period:

- Empathize with your child: show and say, “I understand”

- Help your child name the feeling- use statements like "I can see you feel sad about that"

- Acknowledge and validate their feelings: Say, “I know it is really frustrating when ...”

- Solicit their problem-solving: say, "I know you're upset with your sister for taking your toy, but you can't hit her. Demonstrate what else you can do if you get mad?" Early on show or give her options; over time your child will come up with their own ideas.

- Provide a model of calmness: check your emotions; be in control and say, “It upsets me when you do that” rather than yelling  “Your driving me nuts”.

   

5. Reinforce Desirable Behavior and Try to ignore undesirable behavior

Toddlers crave attention and we do not want to teach them that they get more attention when they misbehave then when they do behave. Catch your child being good and descriptively praise him. Give him a big round of applause and specificly describe what he did that is getting all the attention: “Wow, you put that toy away in the basket where it belongs-- yeaah.” In addition, when possible ignore bad behavior like a temper tantrum. Turn your back, busy yourself with some activity, or just walk out of the room. It teaches that screaming is not the way you get what you want. I found this really tough in the moment as your heart strings are tugged but in the long run there is no question about the benefit.

With all these guidelines what we are doing is drawing intelligent, safe boundaries between acceptable and unacceptable behavior for our children. They will learn these important distinctions better when those boundaries are clear and upheld by everyone who cares for them.