What really matters:

As a working parent, the first thing I realized is that there was no way I could focus on and keep up with all the great age & stage content from the research shelves, not even the weekly milestone newsletters I got via email. I had to figure out the big picture of what mattered most. Luckily the research was clear about what was important. Instead of worrying about the ABCs, 123s, or shapes or colors -- which seemed to dawn every baby product I was gifted -- most important was helping to build my baby’s foundations for Independence, Connectedness and Competence -- the things that lead to the most fulfilling and happiest lives (read more).

How to put it into practice:

OK, so how do I do that with a newborn!! Those aims seemed alittle lofty and abstract for the highly dependent babe that was keeping us up all night. So for me, I needed to break down the “what” into very specific Age & Stage objectives. This quarterly “Development Focus” seemed much more practical than trying to do it all and doing none really well. (see Age & Stage Dev Focus).

Don’t worry, it is clear these days that we do not need flash cards nor drill and kill memorization games to be an “education dad” (or mom). There is a different approach that is much more effective and actually a lot more enjoyable -- Parenting 2.0 -- 21st Century parenting & learning through play. Yup, you can have your cake (enjoy your baby) and eat it too (provide the best possible start). Decades of research tell us that just getting down on the floor and mixing it up with your baby is actually the best way for them to learn and develop. And you can create the most in these moments with  a few play principles I found really helpful:

    1. Dedicated time- Dedicated Playtime/Floortime.

Frequently I tried to multitask squeezing interactions in as I was leaving for work or unpacking when I got home or even during breaks when working from home office. These moments are fine but I have come to realize I am cheating Whitney and myself if I do not carve out a real block of time just for the two of us. So I now combine a block of Dedicated time with my more spontaneous interactions. The balance is great: I get a chunk of time just to focus on Whitney, our one on one time; and I still am on the look out for those spontaneous moments where I can see the extraordinary in the ordinary.

a.Minimum of 20 to 30 minutes for a Whit session-

b.No distractions -- turn off cell phone, forget about computer and checking emails, etc),

c.Slow down, clear mind, open heart. Let go of the usual daily scripts that run around in my head (eg What I need to do at work. Who I need to call).  Just be there with her, fully present. Pay attention to what she is doing and what makes her happy. When I catch myself off thinking about something bring my attention back to her.

2.Use Simple Everyday Stuff- Material Selection/Play Staging.

Figured out I do not need an elaborate plan or some “amazing curriculum”. The world provides all the stuff we need to play with. While playing with objects, animals and people of the world, we were figuring out how the world worked, mastering the skills emerging at the time, and setting the dispositions useful for life. Play really is a child’s work.

a.You are your child’s favorite toy--  In the beginning almost all you need is just you and your baby.

b.Stuff around the house (everyday objects)— use bathtime to experiment with water; use trips to grocery store to explore fruits, vegetables, foods; playtime with lots of basic materials such as balls, blocks, light & shadow games, etc. for her to figure out how her world works

c.Life is the curriculum- The best way to learn about the world is to pay explicit attention to the everyday scripts of your life —kitchen and eating experiences, errand/travel experiences, even the youngest babies pick up on the various roles and scripts of life.

3.Keep it about Whitney!- Enter her world, tuning into her agenda, then provide the minimal level of support necessary for her to do it on her own -- Master the art of PlayPartnering

As a child development guy, I noticed I had lots of ideas about what I wanted Whitney to be working on. I wanted our time to be packed with high quality learning experiences. These expectations and ideas were getting in the way. I needed to just relax and enjoy whatever happened. It is about her and not about me and my anxieties about what she needs to learn. I could just build off of whatever she was actually doing.

a.Have faith that your baby is wired to learn- Although it is easy to understand that babies arrive ready and will construct their own competences, I found it really hard to slow down, let go of my objectives, and follow the interests and pace of Whit.

b.Be the Provocateur & Partner- Our role is to expose our babies to lots of stuff and certainly invite them into explorations of their world (balls, blocks, water, sand, etc) but they might decline our invitations. Don’t force things but certainly be creative about how to peak their interest. And once they dig in, we are their partner/assistant and follow them as far as the exploration can go.

c.Forget about “instructing” and think “cultivating” —As the parent, it is always tempting to want to give your child some competence or character trait. However, at least from 0 to 5 years that is not the way it works, your child needs to construct it herself; you can certainly help her build it but it needs to be when they are interested and at their pace. You cultivate like a good gardener but don’t teach it.

Why its so important:

One analogy I always find very helpful is that of constructing a building. The early years are the foundation of a building upon which everything rests. The quality of the buildings foundations determine the stability and quality of every floor that is built upon them. The other analogy from the biological world is the growth of a mighty Oak tree. From that small unassuming acorn comes the awesome size and shape of the 100 yr old Oak. The seed has to find the right conditions of soil, nutrients, rain and sun to fully develop and not whither and die. Our babies need the right conditions to fully flourish.

The importance of these foundational first few years cannot be underestimated. Your child’s brain grows from 20% of adult size at birth to 80% before year five. More than 80 trillion connections are being formed among your child’s one billion neurons. These connections are being made with each experience of your babies life-- as your child actively sets & meets goals, solves problems and sees the affects she can have. During these formative years, your child is shaping the set of mental tools that she will rely on throughout life.