by David Vernon

I’m a stay-at-home Dad and have been since my first child was eighteen months old.  Seven years later, I’m still a stay-at- home Dad. I’ve returned to work several times and left again to look after my kids.  I was once a middle manager working for the Australian Government Environment Department.  I once had grand career aspirations but if I were to return today, I’d still be a middle manager and I’d probably end up working for one of my trainees.  My ascent of the corporate ladder has stalled. I’ve seen senior staff shake their heads when I’ve told them that I am part-time. My boss’ boss, never said it out aloud, but I could tell she was thinking, “That’s the end of a promising career.”

And I suspect that she was right.  Employers have still not figured out how to manage workers taking career breaks to raise the next generation.  I might have lost a career but I have gained something terribly precious — an intimate relationship with my two sons that would never have developed when I left work before they were awake, and returned home just before bed time.

An increasing number of Australian men are risking their careers to take on the domestic role of chief educator, bottom cleaner, chef, first aid officer and janitor.  But how fast the numbers are increasing we don’t know as the Australian Bureau of Statistics doesn’t directly measure the number of men working as carers.  At this time all the ABS can say is that less than one percent of the male labour force are carers.

The reason for the increasing numbers is hard to gauge.  It is likely to be a combination of women’s improving earnings meaning that the lower paid male stays at home to look after the kids and the desire of men to be more involved in the upbringing of their children.  A new generation of men are realizing that they didn’t see much of their Dad when they were a kid and they don’t want their children to have the same experience.

But for some men, being the carer is a matter of necessity and not choice.  Peter Zauner recently arrived in Sydney from Austria to settle and raise his family with his Australian-born wife, Emma.  He stayed at home for nearly two years, providing fulltime care for his then three-month old son, Casper.  Unfortunately Peter found the social isolation, the reduced income and the need to quickly learn new skills difficult to cope with.

“Emma returned to work three months after Casper was born.  It wasn’t ideal, but it was a financial necessity.  I needed to get my qualifications up to scratch before I could work and so, Emma, who’s a nurse, earned the money.”

“I did everything for Casper — nappy changing, defrosting and heating stored breast-milk, taking him in his pram to the park and attending play groups,” explains Peter.  “The actual baby care bit wasn’t too hard, rather it was all the other stuff.”

Peter, age 37 who had previously worked as a pathologist says that part of the hardship he experienced was due to his unrealistic expectations of the support he would receive as a new Dad in his new country. “Austria has a very advanced social system so young families are well supported by the government.  There is up to three years paid leave for mothers or fathers.  There are many cash incentives for young families, such as a monthly infant allowance paid to the carer worth 426€ ($A712) for the first three years.  So when I arrived here and found so little support, we found it very hard.”

In addition to the financial shock was the need to deal with the distress when Emma had to leave Casper to go to work, when she wasn’t ready. “Emma felt quite heartbroken at going back to work. She was very emotionally attached to Casper and it was terribly hard for her to go to work. I therefore felt very upset at seeing Emma’s grief each day as she left.”

But for some Dads it is a matter of choice.  Glenn Johnstone, 41 gave up a secure career as a geographer to do both fulltime and part-time parenting over ten years.  While at times the family had some financial struggles, his partner Anna, a social scientist, brought in enough money that allowed him to choose to do the parenting.  He felt there were many advantages from being Izzi (age 10) and Mia’s (8) main carer. “Children are very much ‘here and now’ people and so rather than worrying so much about the future, I’ve taken a leaf out of their book and enjoy the moment.  Parenting makes you less selfish.  The little being needs you and it can be quite humbling getting the smile of thanks from doing something quite minor.”

Dean Ransevycz, 38, a self-proclaimed computer geek for a major computer company, also chose to take time off work to provide care for his daughter, Zoe, 3 and his son Tristan, 10 months.  He did it because he wanted greater intimacy with his children. “I want to be closer to my kids and I wanted to have the experience that my partner Sarah was having,” he explained.

“I wanted this experience, and in some respects, I think it is an obligation for dads to share the care with their partner.  I really felt it was important to do this and I know from my Grandfather, for he’s said it several times, how much he wished he could have done what I’m doing.  I earn’t more than Sarah and so taking the time off has been a financial sacrifice for us.”

Whether by choice or design, one feeling that many men share when they become new Dads is they suddenly feel responsible to provide for their new family.  For a stay-at-home Dad this need to be a provider can be difficult to reconcile with their passive role as carer.  Peter Zauner felt this.  “There were periods when I felt quite useless and worthless because Emma was bringing home the money, doing the shopping etcetera. Although I did my best, with the cooking, cleaning and household chores I felt that I really wasn’t contributing to the whole family.”  Peter’s feeling that he was not a good a provider only disappeared when he started his new career after the birth of his second son Otto.  With Otto’s birth, Emma took over the role of carer for both the children. “Once I found a full-time job, in the field of my dreams, hydro-engineering, I was very happy again,” Peter said.

Steve Biddulph, is a psychologist and author of the best-selling books Manhood and Raising Boys.  He has campaigned for twenty years on the need for society to value and support men to be better parents.  He is not at all surprised that some men experience difficulties in the domestic role.  “I think that young fathers throughout history have a surge of good intent — men are so moved by the birth of a child that we vow to dedicate our lives to them at some level.  What happens then is that our culture either supports that desire, or crushes it.  For a hundred years it’s been crushing.  Men in the 1950s wouldn't be seen dead pushing a pram or cuddling a baby.  It’s hard for us to appreciate how strong it was for a man to do that back then.   But the thing is — deep inside, men wanted to.  I hear this again and again when talking to old men.  I hear of the grief they feel that they weren't close to their children.  It’s literally their dying thought. Most men of that generation felt they had failed as a human being, because they knew they did not get the closeness thing right.  We were an intimacy-impaired generation.   But this is now being magnificently turned over with men starting to reclaim that intimacy,” states Biddulph.

Taking time to be a stay at home Dad obviously interrupts a career.  But there can be plusses for employers.  Dean Ransevycz believes the skills he learnt at home transferred well to the workplace.  “I can handle difficult clients so much better now.  I think to myself that I deal with this type of behaviour at home with an eleven-month-old child.  I can therefore reason with a forty year old!  Young children can be quite unreasonable, as can the clients.  But the skills needed for dealing with both are very similar.”

Dean also sees himself as a more balanced person.  “Work is no longer the focus of my life.  I have a home and a work life now.”  He also sees advantages to his employer.  “By giving me unpaid time off work it keeps my skills, I am more loyal, and I am more productive, having learnt to be better at multi-tasking when I was at home.”  Dean does admit, however, that not all his colleagues and bosses at work see the advantages of his dual life, with some of them making it difficult for him to arrange his flexible hours, such as by calling meetings at awkward times, despite flexibility being company policy.

Steve Biddulph believes that Australian corporate culture doesn’t support men who want a career and a family. “Corporate culture dominates our society.  What we want, and what we are allowed by the company, are totally at odds. Corporate culture is anti-family.  It’s as simple as that.  If you've ever worked in a large organization you will know how dysfunctional and sad most male senior managers are — the level of people skills at the top of most of our companies and within government bureaucracy is woeful. 

Five days per week, Rob Davis, 41 cares for his children; Bailey, who is nearly three and Lily who just turned two.  Twenty hours a week, Rob works night shift as a stock picker for Safeways in Melbourne.  For most men this would be seen as an untenable juggle, and yet, because his employer supports his family choice, he’d not give either job up. “It’s just brilliant,” Rob enthuses, “My partner Annette can follow her career as a podiatrist and I can get to know my kids, with some adult company and a bit of extra money.”  It didn’t start that easily though.  Rob explains, “When we first found out we were having Bailey I went through a big trauma trying to find a career that would sustain my family.  It caused me a lot of stress.  I went through five jobs trying to find something that would support us.  I’m a painter by trade, did some training for St Kilda football club, was a technical consultant for Cabots but in the end it was pretty much a financial decision, Annette earned more than me and Cabot’s couldn’t accommodate my caring role, I left.  I had hoped to have a long career with them but it just didn’t work.”

“This job is a challenge from the moment the kids wake up to the moment they go to bed.  You need to entertain, feed, clothe, bum-change, cuddle, go to play group, go for a walk, shop and play.  At the end of the day, you are exhausted and just at that moment your child sits up in bed, looks at you, gives you a kiss and says, ‘Daddy, I love you!’ it makes everything, and I mean everything worthwhile.  Your heart just leaps.”

Rob describes his current manager as “Just brilliant,” in the flexibility he gives Rob when sometimes the kids aren’t well or Annette needs to work longer.  But in return, he reckons he is a better employee.  “One of the skills I’ve learnt is that I can help reduce workplace stress by knowing other’s perspective.  Because I can manage kid conflict, I can manage stress at work so much better.”

And Biddulph agrees that some companies do the right thing.  “There are glowing exceptions to poor corporate behaviour, and such companies are reaping benefits.  Companies that give mothers and fathers great leave provisions, have parents who return to work and their skills and experience are retained.   Such companies attract a better and more rounded kind of employee, who has mastered life balance.”

Even Peter Zauner found positive experiences in working at home.  Peter says that the advantages of the close bond he developed with his son and the fact that he learnt to become a more patient and rounded person, made it worthwhile.  And what of Peter’s career?  “As a more settled and rounded person, I feel that these skills, combined with the fact that I’m not frenetically looking for a ‘’superior’ job, I reckon I am a better employee than before.”

Persuading employers that the stay-at-home Dad has gained skills while absent is a difficult task.  John Russell can bring a long-term perspective to the impact of caring on his career.  John, 52, was one of the first male employees in the New South Wales Government to apply for parenting leave in 1991.  A court case forced the government to offer leave to men, and as John was working in the legal branch of NSW Parks and Wildlife Service he quickly knew about the the decision and immediately applied for six months leave to look after his daughter Kate.  The Service grudgingly gave it to him. “At that time,” John explained, “as soon as your child turned one, you had to return to work, and so I was back at work on the day after Kate’s birthday.”  Over the following years John negotiated a move to a more family-friendly part of the Service but eventually his desire for fewer working hours to allow him to spend more time with his two children led to his resignation.

John subsequently cared for his son Scott, aged 2, for three years and then attempted to get back into the workforce. “I certainly got job interviews, but I learnt that saying that a highlight of my career was looking after the children, got blank looks.  Employers could not understand that parenting involves a whole new skill set.  Looking after young children was the hardest work I ever did, and yet there was no credit given for this.  Dealing with a selfish two-year-old who wants everything now and done his way, is absolutely the same as dealing with a politician who wants something done now!  You need to placate, reason, smile and not aggravate the situation.  Shouting only makes things worse.  The only difference is the content and that can be learnt.”

Biddulph says The Office TV comedy show is not really a comedy, that’s just how it is.  And why?  Because, you don't get people skills with an MBA.   People skills come from hands-on relationship work, and the best training for human skills is fatherhood.   Men who are good with their families are good with their staff.   Yet business treats the two as in competition.   You are seen as soft and unsuitable for promotion if you put your family first.   It’s the same with women too.”

John Russell has found that taking the time out to bring up his kids has put him into a Catch-22 situation.  Now employed in the Department of Environment and Heritage, at his age, employers expect him to be a senior staff member, but he isn’t.  “Their reasoning goes like this,” explains John. “As you haven’t been promoted, there must be something wrong with you and therefore I won’t promote you.”  Is he bitter at this treatment?  “I’ve learnt not to be.  There is no happiness in being bitter.  And I ask myself, do I want to work eleven hour days again?”

It’s not only a man’s long term career that can be affected by caring but some men also pay the price in their mental health for getting greater intimacy with their kids.  Many stay-at-home Dad’s report they suffer anxiety and depression at some time during their time at home.  In the 1950s women who suffered from domestic blues were told by their doctors to “Have a cuppa, a Bex, and a good lie down.” There is not yet any equivalent prescription for Dads suffering domestic blues.  This is perhaps lucky because it’s not inactivity that men need to feel more cheerful when they are carers, but a regular dose of adult company and adult problems to solve.

Peter Zauner took the step of returning to work, to shake his feelings of depression, when he discovered that being Austrian and a bloke made it difficult to settle into a ‘mother’s group’ and the group he did attend didn’t give him the mental adult stimulation he wanted.   Dean Ransevycz, described his anxiety as “Parenting anxiety, where I just wanted to get things right.”  Dean sought assistance from his GP and with some good childcare advice, got himself out of his hole.  Rob Davis, particularly in the early stages of juggling the demands of a two-year-old boy and a four-month-old girl, had times where he couldn’t cope.  “I recall one day with Bailey constantly wanting my attention and Lily crying for a nappy change or a feed I just was losing it.  I had to ring up Annette and asked her to come home, because I wasn’t coping.”  Rob and Annette discussed the problem and Rob acknowledged he had to find it within himself to just cope.  However, the big tonic for him is having adult male company when he goes to work on Friday nights and the time he has to himself to do renovations around the house.  Glenn Johnstone found himself at times feeling very low from the constant demands made on him from two young girls.  His solution is to ensure that he is able to commune with a cup of coffee and a newspaper for an hour every morning before the kids wake up.  With this bit of personal space, he is able to maintain his parenting equilibrium.

As for me?  I too went through a period of depression.  I’m normally an optimistic bloke and yet I found myself not being able to sleep at night as I kept worrying about the future.  I became lethargic — I couldn’t be bothered doing day-to-day property maintenance tasks (I live on a rural property so there is always lots to do).   I did nothing for me and just did the chores that kept the house running.  After much soul searching, and a visit to a counsellor, who was of little help, I finally realized it was lack of mental stimulation.  I was missing adult company.  I was missing the mental challenges that had been presented to me daily at work.  After long talks into the night with my wife, I worked out what I wanted and needed to do to continue to be a stay-at-home Dad; I have published two books, and commenced writing two more.  This activity gives me the sorely needed mental stimulation that kids in general don’t give you.

So does staying at home ruin your career?  It all depends on your perspective.  Glenn Johnstone summed it up for me when he said, “Bugger the career, you only get one shot at parenthood, and I don’t want to be on my deathbed saying I should have spent more time with my kids.”

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NOTE: An abridged version of this article was published in Sunday Life Magazine under the title Man about the House on 21 January 2007.  Cover article.

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David Vernon is a freelance writer and fulltime Dad to two boys.  Based in Canberra he likes to write about science, health and history.  He has recently completed his third book, which is an anthology of birth stories told by men.   Entitled Men at Birth it was published in July 2006 by the Australian College of Midwives.

3240 words

© 2007, David Vernon

Contact: GPO Box 2314, Canberra, 2601

Em: dvbooks@mac.com

Website: http://web.mac.com/david.vernon