I am SO gonna scratch your eyes out...
 
... if you mess with me today. Have you ever had a day that just smacked you upside the head? When someone comes at you with accusations that are so outlandish, you just want to say-- if they were actually said to you, and not a third party-- “Friend, what are you smoking?” Except, if you said that- it would just prove the point in their mind... After hearing what was said (as much as I can figure out, the upshot is I’m not spiritual enough to be a good pastor and meet this person’s expectations) and taking a long, very fast, silent walk with the wife- she asked a good question. When she felt it was safe to ask the question. Not the kind of good question that needs to be asked, but you don’t want it asked, but she’s gonna do it anyway, cause- well, that’s part of the deal when you know someone better than they do themselves. And she loves you. Good but hard questions. It wasn’t one of those. It was this, “Have you ever asked God why he has you here?”... (and a brilliant follow-up), “And, if so-- has He answered?” What came to me at that instant, was the word- “Lab.” As in, “Ok preacher man, you’ve had the theory-- all this Pauline-body-life-bearing-with-one-another-in-humility-and-gentleness-making-every-effort-to-maintain-the-bond-of-peace-we-have-in-Christ. Now, its time for the lab. What are you gonna do? Sometimes, God just hacks me off. I mean, I don’t deserve this. I’m trying to do a good job, and it gets thrown back at me. My motives are called into question. I’m talked about. My words are misunderstood. Sometimes, I’m convinced deliberately twisted beyond recognition. I’m not spiritual enough for the Joyce Meyer’s set, I guess. My sermons are incomprehensible. I can’t call fire down from heaven to smite those who oppose me... (that last one was mine...did I write it out loud?) And Jesus just stands there and pretty much says, ‘Yeah, so... and your point would be.... what exactly?’ me: “ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!” Jesus calmly: ‘I concur. You don’t deserve this. Let’s look at fair.’ me smelling a serious trap: ‘Ok, Ok, Ok... I don’t mean, ‘fair’ and ‘deserve’ in THAT way.’ Jesus calmly: ‘Well, exactly and precisely how did you mean ‘fair’ and ‘deserve,’ then?’ me giving up after a mere two exchanges: ‘Ok, Ok, maybe I did mean it that way. But it still hurts and there’s nothing I can do to resolve it.’ Jesus with compassion: ‘I know it does and now you’re being true, and actually I have resolved it on the cross. I think this one might be yours, pick it up.’ me utterly defeated, game set and match: ‘dang...’ <faux conversation with Jesus over...> Let me be the first to say, I am not Jesus. And in no way, am I comparing my day to any of his. I am not lifting myself up as some sort of über spiritual guy. If you must know, I’m trying to work this out as I blog. I was way way more defensive and hurt and angry, when I first heard these words against me. Just ask the wife. But this conversation is only half faux... it went through my head at warp speed. I mean, I didn’t actually HEAR voices. I’m an evangelical in the PC(USA) after all, not crazy... But the thing that gets me, is that God’s spiritual formation lab comes, every time, at our weakest most vulnerable spots. I want to be obedient in my strengths, not through my weaknesses. I want to be humble on my terms, not be humbled. Full stop. And Jesus wants me to pick up a cross, and follow him. Jesus wins... where else can we go, he alone has the words of life. ...but I still might scratch your eyes out if you mess with me tonight... photo via flickrhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joyce_Meyerhttp://www.joycemeyer.org/http://www.flickr.com/photos/etaoinshrdlu/1324881671/shapeimage_1_link_0shapeimage_1_link_1shapeimage_1_link_2
blog 137
Sunday, 9 September 2007