odd obsessions
seriously, if i had known a few years ago how often -- and readily -- i would discuss my mammary glands and lactation issues with people, i would have been appalled. why does nursing suddenly rule my life and consume my conversations? do people really care about my breasts and their milk production? i think not...
and yet i find that other mothers are just as ready to have the discussion as i am!
truly, it borders on bizarre. perfect strangers in an elevator can strike up a chat with me simply by noticing grant’s “rooting” reflex! mention it, and i will quickly launch into a discussion on nursing’s pitfalls, troubles, pains, problems, and stresses without even knowing the person’s first name!
i have posted status updates on facebook for all the world to see. i have sent emails. i have had phone conversations.
tacky sounding words and phrases have popped out in my conversation more often than i care to admit... phrases like “hooter hider” (a nursing cover), “nipple shields,” and “breast pump” have been mainstays. i have compared notes with friends, neighbors, and strangers alike on the state of my breasts more times than i can count! and here i am posting the subject to my blog without a tinge of red or a hint of a blush upon my face.
this is something akin to weird! and yet, that realization does not stop me. it is an obsession! i have become freakish in my preoccupation with lactation!
is there something about the release of prolactin in my body that causes me to be engrossed by these details?
or is it possibly just a need for affirmation and encouragement?
could it be that, even after 2 successful pregnancies, births, and 2 healthy children currently living in my home, i am STILL uncertain that i’m doing things correctly?
how odd that a formerly confident, secure, fiercely independent woman can be reduced to constant questioning of her maternal skills by the mere act of giving birth and by making a third attempt at nursing! obviously, my two former (failed) ventures into the world of nursing have reduced me to an insecure mom who is constantly wondering if i’m doing it right... if my methods are correct... if my experience lines up with everyone else’s...
i mean, come ON! i am 32 years old. i am an adult who can legally vote, drink, marry, buy, sell, pay taxes, rent a car, join the military. i have, along with scott, successfully (thus far!) raised two little girls. we have survived a deployment, 5 moves, 3 cars, and who knows how many miles on roadtrips and plane flights!
so where is my confidence? perhaps it flew right out of my body in the delivery room at the same moment as grant!
and where is my tact? how is it possible that i can unblushingly discuss lactation in mixed company with no compunction whatsoever?
three times now, i have been amazed at motherhood... and what things motherhood changes in us all...
it seems that the mere joining of sperm and egg changes everything... and i do mean everything! my body, my brain, my heart, my mind, my conversations... and now my sense of confidence as well!
and all it takes is one doctor’s visit to rock the boat. one doctor’s visit when your baby has not gained back his birth weight, and a formerly confident mother is reduced to a worrying woman who questions every feeding, every ounce of milk, every naptime schedule, every parenting plan she once stood solidly behind.
then one doctor’s visit can bring it all back into security and solidity again when the scale shows a healthy weight gain!
ah, the ups and downs of the emotionally taxing act of motherhood. toss in a few hormones and a few well-intentioned questions or comments from well-meaning friends and family, and you have yourself a seriously mixed-up, crazy train that feels a bit more like a roller coaster ride or insecurity and questions...
am i doing it right? is the baby healthy? is it all going to work out OK?
maybe...
probably...
YES!
there’s confidence in there sometimes after all! :)
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
