blogs are cheaper than therapy
who knew when i started my deployment blog in august of 2006 that i would become an addict? who knew that those daily posts about life’s moments -- from the blissfully happy to the terribly sad -- would become an outlet for me that i would miss so greatly once i ceased to post them?
but, alas, life got busy... we moved (again!)... days passed... months passed... and i never got around to it again!
however, the blogger mentality continued. i churned out countless new blogs in my head each day, complete with titles and funny anecdotes -- or, depending the day, seriously frustrated cries of angst and exhaustion!
the task of beginning again was daunting. after all, i needed to redesign the site. i needed to clear off all the old stuff. and oddly enough, it was hard to click “delete blog” on some of those old blogs from the deployment or from the early days of scott’s return. after all, that deployment seriously rocked my world and changed me in many ways. to delete those words and sentiments seemed somehow impossible for me to do.
those words and posts defined the “me” that i have now become. the sight of those images stirred my emotions. reading the posts brought it all back to me, afresh and anew. it was hard to let it go or say “good-bye.”
but then august 13th passed on the calendar in 2008. two years since scott left. then november 5th passed on the calendar in 2008. one year since he returned. perhaps it was time to bid that chapter of my life a fond farewell... or at least move it to the back burner so i could focus on the future and not the past.
and yet, i cannot. it is too much a part of me. too much a part of who i am and what i have become and how i think. those 15 months shaped me like no other in my life, made me appreciate the blessings i have on so many more levels. they caused me to think differently, act differently, live differently.
something from that period of my life crops up within the span of each week since. some memory that stirs my soul... some random comment about those days from lexi as we drive down the road... some conversation with another girl who’s going through it right now... an encouraging word to a friend who’s about to bid her husband farewell...
just this sunday, i sat in sunday school with tears in my eyes as a fresh reminder came up during a discussion about Job worshiping God in the midst of his nightmare. i could relate on a lesser level. my entire family was not taken from me, but how many times had i gone for a run only to have to stop there in the middle of someone’s driveway to cry out to Jesus through tears of anguish over the loneliness and sadness i felt -- only to feel at the exact same moment a need to lift my hands to the sky praising and worshiping him for standing alongside me, holding my hand and helping me through?
so i suppose those days are a part of me now, whether the ensuing moments of remembrance are happy or sad. they made me...me!
they are long gone now, and my family is in tact once again. life is back to normal. but a different type of normal. a type of normal in which things are seen in a more precious light. moments together are not taken for granted as much. events seem to have more weight to them. daily life experiences are more important than they used to be because now they are shared and not shouldered alone and separately.
but those days ARE in the past and i do need to move on.
and so i have spent the last few weeks copying them, collecting them, compiling the images, to be bound in book form for us to keep as a reminder of that time in our past. but it is just that: the past.
and just as those blogs were my daily therapy session each night on the couch as i laughed, or reminisced, or hoped, or wept, or sobbed, so now, too, i often need that outlet in the present.
there is something to be said for the ability to vent, in written form, how you feel. somehow my blog allows me to be transparent because it seems as if i’m writing to myself since i never know if anyone is actually going to read it. i can talk through my feelings and experiences in ways that i can’t talk through verbally -- mostly because i can type WHILE crying sometimes, and i canNOT talk and cry simultaneously! :)
so now i’ve decided to go back to it -- partially because i keep getting emails asking me when i’m going to post something new. but mostly i’m doing it for me because i need this space to give myself a moment to think things over. to work things out. to give life to my thoughts and feelings.
and so begins a new blog with a new look and a fresh start. gone are the pictures of scott’s return home ceremony, amazing though it was, because he is home now, and we are writing the words to a new chapter of our lives. that chapter has ended. and though it is still part of the book as a whole, it is not the focus of the novel... just one aspect of it, defining though it may have been!
i’ll be seeing you all in the coming days as the blogs and the chapters of our lives continue to write themselves each day. and i will do my best to put those events into words so that you can join us in the ups and downs, twists and turns, highs and lows, of the journey.
after all, the JOY is in the journey, and the ups and downs, twists and turns, highs and lows only serve to make it more interesting!
Friday, May 1, 2009
