Our vacation in the states got off to a bumpy start today. All was on schedule until an unexpected surge of mid-day travelers clogged the Tijuana border, making us more than 45 minutes late for the airport in San Diego. Today’s experience in Tijuana only reinforced my already terrible anxiety about driving there... the traffic is world-class & the drivers ruder than any I’ve ever seen. Furthermore, summertime has welcomed a wave of unpredictable back-ups.

 

The airport was like Chapter 2 in an epic novel I’d rather have read the Cliff’s Notes on. With only 15 minutes to check our bags & dash to our flight, the kids & I adopted the moto “Calm & Cooperative.” The attitude served us well waiting in the TSA line. Granted, we’ve traveled quite a bit but it’s been a while since we’ve visited the airport with kids. We saw folks taking off their shoes so we did the same. I reminded the girls about the grey tubs & the x-ray machines. What we didn’t see is what snagged us. I didn’t see anyone start their laptop & didn’t even notice them taking them out of cases. Of course, the gal who checked our boarding passes to allow us into the line at security didn’t mention that we’d need to remove AJ’s shoes & collapse the stroller so we hastily did that upon the request of the guard at the x-ray “arbor”.

I presented the x-ray machine guard with the boarding passes & this is when it got really good. He asked me to remove the jacket. Then he asked me to remove my belt (I still hadn’t been thru the “arbor” yet & but refrained from asking if it would be easier if I just got naked before passing thru the eye of the needle). As I undressed he discovered that one of the passes I’d printed from the Alaska Air online check-in was irregular so they began to treat it as fruadulent. Several levels of management trickled over. The kids grew weary of just standing there so they reached for their shoes to make themselves useful during the delay...

“Step away from the belt & do not touch anythign on the belt,” barked one of the agents at my kids. No kidding. They didn’t hear them & kept reaching which prompted the guard to repeat the instruction more forcefully, which got my attention away from the irregular passes & the baby.

Dang - it was like a three ring circus & I only had a few minutes to move it along.

Somewhere in all this, they discovered the laptop & the digital camera Id forgotten back when I was taking off my belt & the babies shoes. Having not declared them, coupled with the irregular passes & I was unknowingly downgraded to “sub-human” status. All my water bottles for the kids were comphiscated. None of us were allowed to take one final swig of water & I was subjected to a “pat down” while they waited for the results to the “sniffer” test of my electronics. The guard lady patting me down told me I could buy water n the other side... I refrained from asking her for the $10 it was going to cost me for 3 bottles of water on “the other side.”

... the other side... the side where water is like gold & sanity comes only in snack size portions. Where screaming babies are to be gagged for the comfort of other passengers and   youngsters to hold their bathroom breaks until after the Fasten Seat Belt sign is turned off. Canned air. Canned smiles pasted onto patted down women striped of dignity and energy & patience.

 

All the while, the girls were getting more dramatic about the delay and repeating that if we didn’t hurry we’d miss our flight. I mentioned to one of the higher level TSA guys (I’m guessing he was management because he was the brainiac who delegated someone to escort me & my “fruadulent” boarding passes to the gate to ensure we weren’t criminals) that I’d never had so much trouble getting thru security before...

Here is where I inadvertently wiggled my foot over the path less traveled. Possibly it was stupid of me to state the obvious. At least it seemed obvious to me. I have 3 kids & you are treating me like a criminal and making this really, really unpleasant & time consuming & unfriendly & flat out INSANE! You  didn’t post good instructions for me to be prepared during all that time you made me wait in your stupid line. You practically strip searched me then patted me down, questioned the authenticity of my boarding passes, confused & barked at my kids, distracted me from my kids while you threw away their snack & ultimately threatened me when I stated that this was all a bit of overkill.

 

By the time the interrogation & escort was complete, we were the last on the plane & they were trying to close the door. Me & my now motley bunch of half dressed kids were bustling down the isle to the stewards instructions to turn off electronic devices, stow remaining baggage & prepare for take off. Nothing like making a grand entrance with that walk of shame to start off on the right foot.

Hi passengers. I’m the lady you hate and I’m already making you late. I’ve got 3 kids who are going to whack you with their backpacks as we move to our seats then we’ll clog the bathrooms, run the isles & scream for the duration of your flight. Smile - we’re here!

Did I forget to mention that we offer a FREE Back massage to the three passengers lucky enough to be seated in front of us. We’ll kick the back of your seat to the tune of whatever is on the iPod or just randomly (if you are seated in front of the baby). Brace yourself.

But when bracing, don’t brace to your seatback. This would press your hair into the headrest & this would be within the reach of tiny fingers sticky from the peanut butter sandwich section mom gave me earlier. Mmmmmm.  

Soon after take off, I noticed the smell. Of course, AJ would poop. It smelled terrible & Dixie commented. She also noticed that the meds weren’t working.

“Mom, that medicine usually makes him go to sleep but this time it’s just making him more hyper,” she said. Why does it feel worse to have your 8 year old make an astout observation... Shouldn’t I be proud of her ability to articulate & not eager to stuff a sock n her mouth & yell SHUT UP BECAUSE HAING YOU SAY THAT DOESN’T HELP!

As I considered the supplies I’d need to change the diaper I remembered that our diaper bag was across the isle in the overhead. Peeking back there I could see some folks panicking a little over something dripping. Dripping doesn’t usually happen from the overhead & certainly not a milky substance... Oh God!

Yup... I can’t see for sure but I can guess that it would be my bag.

I see this guy start digging in the overhead & he notices that my backpack is soaked. Yup. The baby bottles have leaked soy milk & apple juice thru the compartment & it now warrants towels because the service napkins are soaked, too.

At this point I wish that I could just get off the stinking plane & go home. I’m exhausted & we have barely left San Diego.

That is when the baby decided that me holding him was really for the birds. He wanted out & down & to have free reign of the cabin so he did what any self-respecting 17 month old would do... he started screaming as loud as he could to get his way. Couple this with thrashing & back arching & you have one hard to handle kid.

Did I mention the free back massage he gave to the ladies in front of us. One of them had hair in a pony tail that wanted to sneak over the back of her headrest into what was technically our air space. Since AJ’s airspace was sort of self-defined and far more expansive than the airspace technically alloted to us, I feel certain she couldn’t have been happy about the hairs she sacrificed to AJ.

Near my wits end, I left the girls & went in for the diaper change. As a side note, baby changing on airplanes should be avoided. Tell every diapering mom you know. Only go in for the change if it is a critical situation. Those airplane changing tales are like changing your kid on the head of a pin... it’s impossible.

Thankfully he had no poop just terrible gas. Yippee!

Back to our seat. Screaming alternated with walking the isle for the duration of the flight.

The trip wrapped up with a lost car seat, $30 worth of airport dinner that none of the kids would eat because it “tasted weird” & a rental car that was too small for our luggage.

Thrifty Rental Car came thru with a free upgrade & we were on our way to the Harkness home. Thank God for the Harkness”, Thrifty Rental Car and extremely safe airports.