“How the hell do you think I got pregnant, you moron?” As she screamed at me her curlers bounced around and spit shot from her mouth like one of them lawn sprinklers. I was offended by her wisecrack remark, so I tossed aside my bag of Cheetos, placed down my Diet Dr. Pepper and stood up with authority. Being six five, I always hit the ceiling on the trailer. The tingly feeling in my noggin distracted me for a second, but after the sensation was gone I remembered my comeback.
“I know how you got pregnant, I just don’t understand how.” Finishing my poignant remark I crossed my arms and tried to raise an eyebrow to show her that I had made my point, but couldn’t. I have never been able to do that. Wish I could though, people with raised eyebrows always look so cool. It was when I was trying to think about different cool actors who could raise their eyebrow when the phone hit me. Right in the eyebrow I was trying to arch. It hurt like hell and I cursed up a storm to tell her so.
Sitting back down to nurse my wound and eating another one of my cheesy friends I watched Tina calm down a bit as she sat on the new stool I stole from a neighbor.
“Look Ricky…we are going to have us a baby. You’re gonna be a Daddy! We’ll be a family!” Finishing a swig of the Doctor I thought of a logical question.
“Now why the heck would we do that? That Planned Mom place or whatever it’s called rips them suckers out for free! I’ll even go with you if you want. Just not tomorrow, I’m planning on going fishing…” That was when something else hit me in the head, not sure what it was that time because I blacked out.
When I woke up I was pissed; my Cheetos were gone. And I had a headache, which reminded me of what was going on. I was in a real pickle. I was supposed to break up with Tina days ago, but truthfully I haven’t had the balls to do it, plus she has cable in her trailer (I hate missing my soaps, you miss one and you’re confused for weeks). Every night after Tina went to work I would sneak over to Kiki’s trailer. First thing she would do was ask me if I broke up with Tina yet. When I said no, she’d slap me, but then quickly hug me and apologize. Then she’d push me away again yelling at me in Spanish that I can’t understand, then she’d screw me good. It was sort of our routine. Though I knew it wouldn’t last much longer because she was starting to talk about telling Tina herself that we were planning on getting hitched. Now with this whole mess Kiki was sure to flip. I had to do something, I couldn’t lose Kiki! She’s my companion for life. I knew this before I knew her name, the first time we had sex in fact.
I got up carefully and went to the bedroom, which was only four feet away. Stepping through the beaded curtain I could see Tina’s hundred pound six-foot frame (our friends call us the Green Bean Gang) stretched out across the twin bed. Thankfully she was on her stomach so I didn’t have to look her in her face. Eye contact sucks when you have to lie or talk about something serious like how you clogged the toilet. Sitting down on the bed next to her I saw my empty Cheeto bag by her head, it pissed me off but I bit my tongue. Then before I could even open my mouth she spoke harshly to me.
“You ever mention getting rid of little Clever again and I’ll kill you so fast you won’t even be able to…to do something. I swear!”
“You already know it’s a boy?” I asked trying to change the subject and it seemed to work. She propped herself up on her elbow. Her face was covered in that black make up from her eyes.
“Well no, but I just feel it. I know he’ll be a boy.” I looked down at her bare stomach; she was rubbing it. It was still flat and thin as a ruler so I was a bit confused at how a baby fit in there, he had to be as skinny as Tina.
“How pregnant are you? You don’t look it.” She rolled her eyes at me.
“A week, maybe a day or two more. I think it was when you did me behind the trailer last Thursday. Remember Mrs. Claire’s cat kept trying to lick your coin purse.” I did remember that time. We were doing it outside because Ma was visiting and we had no privacy.
“Well, are you sure, that you are sure, that you are pregnant?” Again she rolled her eyes.
“Yes! A woman knows and I took one of them EKG test stick things, I stole it from the drug store. Those tests don’t lie!” Hearing that I knew I it was the real deal. So I tried to go a different angle with it.
“We can’t afford a kid, those things are expensive as hell, darling.”
“Not really. I’ll have a baby shower and get all the crap we need for him, then the government will cut us a fat check every month to take care of everything else. Sally down the road gets like ten checks and food stamps for her kids. That’s how it works, ya know. You won’t have to pick up any more days at Dales. I know how you don’t like to work more than twice a week and heck with a kid you might be able to even take more time off.” She had a point. And I was painting myself into a hallway.
After she went to work that night I strolled over the two trailers to Kiki’s and we went through our routine. As we lay on the kitchen floor catching our breaths, I thought it was a good time to bring up the subject. Pop always told me that if I had something bad to tell a woman tell her after we bumped uglies. So that’s what I did. After a string of Latina obscenities she hit me in the head with her high heel (the one that fell off while she was doing the splits). I didn’t pass out but it did aggravate my headache.
“How could you do this to me! How far along is the bitch?” I dreaded that question and tried to change the subject by telling her how hot she looked standing above me naked with one shoe on and the other in her hand. That brought another blow to the head.
“How far!” Covering up my head and curling into the fetal position I whispered how long. Amazingly, nothing hit me.
“Good!” I was confused at her reply.
“That means we have time. You have to talk that slut into getting an abortion.” Sitting up I smiled at her and explained that I already tried and that there was no way. The shoe hit me again.
“What’s the bitch afraid of? It’s nothing. I’ve had like six or eight. Tell her they don’t hurt. And sometimes they’ll give you free drugs when you leave.”
“It’s not that…she wants to have the baby.”
“Well, I ain’t marrying a man with no baby. No sir. I don’t want no broken home. You are going to fix this! You are going to kill that thing.”
“How can I do that?” She crossed her arms, leaning heavily to her left because without that one shoe on she was four inches shorter on that side.
“Uh…Well you can give her some poison or something.”
“Wouldn’t that kill her too? I ain’t going to no jail. You really want a hubby behind bars? They only give you like one of them bang visits a month. You wouldn’t be able to handle that.”
“They make pills and things that could kill the baby and not kill the slut, just make her sick. We could give her some of that stuff.”
“But what a second. Is killing a baby murder?” I asked her with all seriousness.
“No you idiot! It’s not real until it’s born. So it don’t count as nothing. Besides it ain’t human until it comes out. When it’s in the belly it’s considered an organ or some shit.” She had a point and with that our planning started.
Two days after first hearing the news Tina was already telling everyone we knew. Which didn’t ease my pressure at all. The plan Kiki and I came up with was pretty simple. I was to mix some bleach into her orange soda that she drank while we watched our soaps everyday. Kiki thought she heard about someone who drank some once to get rid of a baby and that it worked. So we figured I should give it a whirl.
Tina was sitting on the couch with her feet up holding her belly with pride. She had already been telling me not to smoke around her (like that mattered, my Momma smoked like a chimney when I was in her) and bossing me around saying “I’m pregnant. I shouldn’t be doing nuttin”.
So as she sat on her ass and I waited on her hand and foot I cracked open an orange drink and poured out half of it. Then I ducked down behind the counter and poured some bleach into the can (I had to go out and steal a bottle from the convenience store since we didn’t have any). A bit of it spilled on my fingers and stung so I quickly wiped my hand and the can on my shirt and stood back up. Walking back towards Tina I was sweating a bit and trying to act cool as I possibly could.
“Here peaches, got you your soda.”
“Thanks pookie bear.” She replied without looking as she grabbed the can. I sat down on the stool waiting to see what would happen. I didn’t know if something would start immediately of if she’d just poop the baby out later.
“Christ on a stick Ricky! Is this bleach?” I was busted, but I couldn’t admit it.
“What the hell are you talking about honey?” She sniffed the can then held it out in font of her with two fingers.
“What are you trying to do?”
“Huh?” I didn’t know what to say. She stood up quickly and stared at me with a look that usually ended up with me unconscious moments later.
“Are you trying to poison me? Is that it Ricky?”
“Honey I have no clue what you’re talking about. I just opened that can, it should be fine.”
“Then why do you have a bleach stain on your shirt dumb-ass?” I looked down at my favorite black t-shirt and sure enough there was a huge peachy colored smudge right by my left nipple. I still wasn’t ready to admit it though.
“Well you do the laundry honey, you must have done that.”
“You didn’t have it five minutes ago and we don’t even have bleach! You know I wash your shit in the sink with the dish soap.” She screamed at me getting even more annoyed. I was scared.
“I swear to you baby love, I didn’t do anything.”
“Then drink it…prove to me nothing is wrong.” Wanting to show my innocence I grabbed the can and chugged it with four solid gulps and threw it down. I had proven my point!
“There! You happy now…see nothing wrong!” Then my throat suddenly felt like it was on fire and I couldn’t breath really well.
“Baby? Oh God, baby!” Tina cried grasping my face. The last thing I saw was her running out of the trailer yelling for our neighbor who had a phone to call an ambulance.
When I woke up Tina was standing above me, I was in the hospital.
“Baby! You’re awake! God I was so worried. Don’t worry though we are going to sue them damn soda makers! We’ll be rich.” I tried to speak but it felt like I had a bad sunburn in my throat.
“Don’t try to talk baby, don’t.” So I didn’t. I couldn’t believe how much damage the stupid bleach did to me. I didn’t even think I would taste it. The doctor’s came in and explained that I shouldn’t talk for a few weeks and that I could only eat soup and what not for just as long.
After three weeks I could speak but pretended I couldn’t for another two to stay out of trouble with Tina who was redoing a corner of the trailer, making a nursery while working on a case with one of them TV lawyers against the soda company. He told her we had a great case and should be millionaires any day soon. I just nodded when he asked me questions and took pictures of me looking all-sad. The sadder the better he said.
During that time Kiki was even nice to me. It was actually a pretty good month. Though it had to come to end of course. Once Kiki realized I could talk she went right back to nagging me.
“The bitch is still pregnant. I think I can even tell now, she looks fat as hell. What are you going to do about it?” I held my throat and pretended to not be able to talk. She slapped me and said to stop that shit.
“Well, you’re the one that wants the baby gone so you come up with something.” It wasn’t the right answer.
“What? You want me? Don’t ya baby?” She purred as she touched my stubbly face. She was so beautiful.
“Of course I do honey.”
“Well…I won’t go out with a man who has babies running around all over the place. So if you don’t get rid of that kid then you won’t have me!” It was said in a way that I knew if I was to do anything but agree I was going to get a beaten, so I agreed.
“Now I remember seeing some movie once were a woman fell down the stairs and she lost her baby. Maybe you could…you know maybe push her down the stairs or something. She’d only have a few bruises but I bet it would pop that piece of crap out of her like nothing!” I thought about it for a few minutes. Sounded like a good idea. And should be easy enough to make it look like a mistake as well. There was only one problem.
“But K, our trailer only has three steps. Think that’ll be enough to do it?” She crossed her arms and gave me that look that always made me feel pretty stupid. I hated that look.
“I didn’t mean your trailer. You need some good steep stairs. Like, uh the mall or something. They have them big escalators. You could do it there. Just make sure it looks like an accident, there will be witnesses there.” My baby sure was a genius. It was a perfect plan. Besides, what could go wrong?
Two days later I talked to Tina. She was so excited and said how the baby missed hearing my voice. The thought of that creeped me out a bit. So I suggested to her that we should celebrate getting my voice back. That we should go out to a fancy dinner. So we went to the mall to go to Ruby Tuesday’s (one of you can get the salad bar and then you both eat from it to save money, hell of deal really). The meal was pretty darn good. It always amazes me how them fancy places can put together things you never thought would go together.
After eating I suggested we walk around the mall a bit and look at things to get the baby. This made her happy. So store-to-store we went. It was so boring looking at all the tiny things that cost a million bucks. Who would want to waste such money on a kid when you could spend it on yourself? Anyway I finally got up the courage for the big push.
“Hey, let’s go to the toy store downstairs. Maybe we can get something for the nursery.” This got me a kiss on the cheek. As we reached the top of the escalator, you know one of those super long ones that take a good minute or two to go down with the glass sides. Like a gentlemen, I offered for her to go first. Everything was all set. I took a quick look around to see if anyone was paying attention to us and no one really was. My plan was to pretend to lean over to tie my shoe and fall onto her, at that point I would actually push her down the stairs but hold on to the railing myself.
The moment was upon me. I crouched down a bit, grabbed my shoe, pretended to wobble and threw myself forward. Now I should have made sure she was still in front of me, because she wasn’t. Excited by the toy store she ended up looking over the railing trying to find out where it was. Which meant when I lunged myself forward there was nothing to stop me. I flew down five stairs and hit my face right on the edge of one of them metal steps. You ever notice how sharp those suckers are? Especially with the grate pattern they have. Well, it darn near skinned my face, not to mention it broke my nose in three places. From there I don’t remember much but I’m told that I flipped over myself several times and that is how I broke my arm and shin bone. But that’s not the worst of it. I guess when I landed at the bottom, the stairs kept moving basically crushing me into a ball. Hence how I got seventy-eight stitches along my side. But the most embarrassing part was that it grabbed a hold of my black jeans (which were three sizes to big, you know the style) and ripped them off of me leaving me bare-ass, since I had no underwear on because we were behind on the laundry. So in other words I laid there naked and bleeding while a crowed gathered around. I can only imagine how much they laughed. It even made the news that night, some punk kid had one of them phone cameras and got a good shot of me laying there. I never got to see it though, I can never figure out what time the news is on.
The next time I woke up I was once again in the hospital. I woke up to flashbulbs popping in my face. The slimy lawyer that was doing our soda case was acting like some famous photographer telling me to look as miserable as I could. That wasn’t too hard. No one even asked me how I was as I awoke from my slumber. Tina and Sloan, I think that was his name, just kept telling me how we were going to own the mall when he was through with them. The thought of being rich was great but I was in so much pain I didn’t care, I passed back out.
By the time I was back in shape to do anything Tina’s belly was getting pretty darn big, and she was packing on the pounds. She was almost to a disgusting hundred and twenty pounds. I was getting pretty grossed out, so when I came back home I started sleeping on the couch giving the excuse that she needed the room in bed for the baby to grow. Probably the best thing about falling down the escalator was everyone was treating me like a prince. I was waited on hand and foot for months! A man could get used to that sort of life. And one thing it did do, it reassured me that I still had to get rid of the baby. With a kid I’d have to do things like…feed it or play fetch with it or something. That wasn’t my style. So it was back to the drawing boards.
Kiki had been thinking the whole time and the best thing she could come up with was some sort of impact to the belly. She said poison now would just make the thing retarded. And that would just make things even worse. Well after the escalator incident I wasn’t too keen on attempting much myself so Kiki reluctantly agreed that this time she take a whack at it, literally.
The new plan was a bit more blunt than the other ones. And it involved a certain degree of risk. Yet it was easier than the others. Basically Kiki was going to get one of them ski mask things put it on and wait by our trailer door with a baseball bat. When Tina opened the door and walked out she would swing it right into her big belly, grab her purse and run off. The police would think it was a robbery, the baby would be gone and we’d get a few extra bucks as well. It was brilliant and easy. I only wished we had thought of it earlier.
The first problem we ran into was the mask. Being still warm out we couldn’t find a ski mask anywhere. So I suggested using pantyhose like in those bank robbery movies. But Kiki only had fishnet stockings, which didn’t really cover her face but did turn me on (we had sex before she took it off, it was hot!). My next idea was a plastic bag. We could cut eye-holes out of it and it would hide her face perfectly. So I tried it, since I was the one who came up with the idea. It worked pretty good, only thing was the eye-holes kept moving. To fix this problem I merely tied the handles together behind my head. Getting up to go look into the mirror to make sure it looked good, I started to sweat a lot and got a bit dizzy. But having drunk five beers before putting it on, I instantly blamed them.
Well I didn’t make it to the bathroom. Once again the familiar feeling of blacking out took me over and I collapsed in the kitchen. Luckily the crunch under me woke me up enough so I could rip the bag off my face. I never realized how much I liked air. It wasn’t until I had the bag off that I realized whatever I was laying on wasn’t too comfortable. Rolling on to my side I noticed my wife beater had splats of red and fur on it. It took me a few seconds to realize I landed on Tito, Kiki’s Chihuahua.
I must have landed on him just right because I’m not a heavy guy. I never knew falling on something like that could crush it, I mean he popped like watermelon. I stood up fast as I could, grossed out from all the goo. Thankfully Kiki was in the can (we had Spam for dinner, it always gave her the squirts but she kept eating it anyway, she loved it). Which meant I had a max of twenty minutes to clean up the mess and pretend I had no clue where Tito was. It wasn’t easy. I had to use a spatula to get him up off the ground. Not thinking, I threw what was left of him in the bag that was still on the floor. I was racing for the door to throw him in the pond out back when chunks of Tito flew out of the ripped bag and splattered against the wall. I used my shirt to wipe it off.
Satisfied that the mess wasn’t noticeable (and if there was some left my excuse was going to be that it was spaghetti sauce from the can of Spaghetti O’s that we ate as a side dish to the Spam) I ran out the door down the path and threw the bag into the water. It didn’t sink. But that didn’t matter there was so much trash floating in it no one would notice the difference. The spatula sunk instantly though. Next was my shirt. I tossed it in and that actually sank pretty quickly. Then I cleaned myself up with the water and ran back to the trailer. Right as I shut the door I heard the toilet flush. I dove onto the couch and pretended nothing was wrong.
Sitting down next to me on the couch she sighed with relief as if it was a battle in there and she had won.
“What the hell is that smell? I know it ain’t my shit. Damn boy? You crap yourself while I was in there?” Still breathing hard I hadn’t noticed that I stank from the pond water I used to wash up with.
“Oh…uh I did some pushups must be b.o.” She moved away from me and luckily didn’t mention it again.
“Tits…here tits, tits.” It was what she called Tito. I gulped but ignored her calls.
“Where the hell could she be?” I shrugged.
“Maybe she found a piece of Spam on the floor or something.” I suggested. She shrugged.
“So the plastic bag work?” I almost cried when she asked but I held myself up high and grunted no.
“Maybe a paper one?” I nodded but let her try it out. She cut two eye-holes and plopped the bag on her head. With her rather large hair do it didn’t move at all and she could see just fine.
“Looks like that will do. You’ll only need to have it on for a few seconds anyways.” We agreed and I snuck off to take a shower.
Two days later we were ready with our plan. I was to stay in the trailer with Tina before she left for work as an alibi. Sitting on the couch I sucked back the Cheetos trying to act calm while Tina was getting ready in the back. To save money she wasn’t buying any new clothes to accommodate her large stomach. So her bare belly stuck out of her outfit. It would make a good target for Kiki. Tina was running behind because of that clothing issue and I wanted to make sure Kiki hadn’t left thinking she missed her, so I opened the door and took a step down. Another brilliant mistake.
Since Kiki decided on the paper bag mask she didn’t have much vision. Well not as much as she thought. At least that mixed with the fact that she wasn’t expecting me to come out of the trailer was her excuse. Her excuse for swinging the bat, which unbeknownst to me she had altered a bit to make it more effective. She had pounded in a half dozen nails into the head of it to make sure that they would pierce through Tina’s stomach and get rid of the baby once and for all. Well let me tell you they would have worked.
Kiki had summoned some super-human strength. She shattered my pelvis bone, and the spikes pierced my innards in several places. And of course as I fell to the ground I once again fell on my face breaking my nose. Kiki told me later that after hitting me she panicked and ran to the pond to toss the bat and mask before hiding out in her trailer without leaving for a week. Luckily for me Tina found me on the ground a few minutes after it happened, and once again she ran to the neighbors to call an ambulance.
By this point we were racking up a hefty medical bill, well over six digits. But don’t worry! Oh no, no, don’t worry at all. The sleaze ball lawyer told me as I woke up once again in the hospital. He went on to tell me we had a third lawsuit going, this time it was against the trailer park for having inadequate security. I was going to own that trailer park, along with the mall and the soda plant! Or so he told me as I drifted in and out of consciousness between the half dozen surgeries it took to fix my intestines and replace my pelvis bone with a titanium one.
For some reason during this hospital stay, which was a long one, Tina visited me less and less. And in the end, she was really only coming once a week. I was fine with that. Kiki was coming every other day and sobbing for the first hour with apologies. Then she would try to get me off but I had a tube in my schlong for the first few weeks so that ended in her being covered in piss and me in pain, at least the first four times we tried it that happened. Then as our routine went, Kiki would start to curse out Tina. She figured she must have found out about the plan and took her time so I’d fall into the trap. Then she also came up with the theory that she got herself pregnant because she knew I was going to leave her. Every night Kiki got angrier and angrier. So much so that she even talked about killing Tina. At first she was just kidding. But as the days went on I knew she was serious about it.
I didn’t like the idea of killing Tina. Mostly because I didn’t want to go to jail. I wasn’t going to be anyone’s bitch, no one tells me what to do!
“Sit up straight when I’m talking to you. Now listen, this is what we are going to do, I don’t care what you think, this is the plan.”
“Yes, my love.” Kiki was serious and what finally convinced me to go on with the plan was the fact that Kiki brought up. If Tina was alive then she would only get half of all the money I had coming to me from the lawsuits. I didn’t want that to happen. So I agreed to the new plan. This one was the best yet…fool proof.
This time when I got out of the hospital Tina was like a hot air balloon. She waddled when she walked and thankfully didn’t want to have sex anymore. Though I was curious what it would have been like. My first day back in the trailer wasn’t comfortable. My body was having a hard time digesting things so I spent most of the first night in the can. At one point Tina came in and screamed at me because she had to tinkle. As I stood outside of the door with my pants around my ankles out of fear of something oozing out of me, she apologized and said the hormones were killing her this last month. I had no clue that much time had passed. I was shocked to know that she was due in a few weeks! Kiki and I were going to have to push up our plans.
That night after Tina went to work Kiki and I planned while talking through the bathroom window since I found it hard to leave the John long enough to unlock the door.
“We have to do it tomorrow night while she is asleep.” I groaned through my crap pains.
“We have to do it tomorrow night while she is asleep.” I groaned through my crap pains.
“Okay. We have what we need right? We just need to make sure that no one saves her fat ass. But wait. How are you going to explain to the police that you were not there with her?” I smiled for I had thought that through.
“When the fire trucks show up I’ll come walking down the road with a milkshake from McDonald’s saying that she was having cravings and made me go out and get some!” Kiki stepped up on the old shopping cart outside of the window and gave me a peck on the lips.
“My baby is a genius sometimes.” The comment felt good. It was about time that someone complimented my brains.
The next night when Tina got home I pretended to be asleep on the couch (she usually got in around four since the strip club closed at three and she liked to do the last dance since the guys were wasted by then and usually gave her more money). I listened to her get ready for bed and close the bedroom door before I got up and tiptoed out of the trailer over to Kiki’s. We’d already placed the gas in jars around the trailer to help get the flames going and I even soaked the couch with some more before I left. All we had to do was douse the outside, jam the front door shut and light her up. I have to admit I was pretty excited as we poured the gas on the outside of the tin walls. Kiki was so into it that she tried to talk me into having a quickie behind the trailer before we lit her up, but my stomach was still aching so I declined and said after.
With a bit more gas in my tank I wanted to cover the outside of her window a bit more and headed down there to do it. When my can was empty I hunched over in pain. I had to shit again.
“Kiki” I whispered softly as I could.
“Kiki I have to go to the can, wait to light it up till I get back.” It was dark but I could see her give me a thumbs up. I hardly made it back inside to the can before the ooze shot out of me once again. It was a horrible feeling. Finishing up, I smelled something. I thought maybe I had gotten some crap on my hand like earlier but after I sniffed them I realized it was a much stronger smell. Stepping out of the bathroom I was hit in the face with a wall of heat. The trailer was already going up in flames! She hadn’t waited for me! I couldn’t’ believe it.
Fast as I could I sprinted for the front door. It was already sealed tight! I was screwed. By the time I made it back to the bathroom the fire was inside of the trailer eating away at the couch. I shut the bathroom door and threw a towel under the crack to keep the smoke out (a trick I learned when I use to be able to afford pot, though we used it to keep the smoke in). I had to keep far away from the door. If I didn’t I’d get blown up. I left a dozen jars of gas through the whole place, four of which were under Tina’s bed. And to be honest I was surprised that she wasn’t awake and screaming at that point. Though I can’t say that I was really too worried about her right then.
Opening the window I yelled for Kiki. The plan required for me to sprint to the McDonald’s soon as the fire started and for her to watch from behind a tree a few yards away to make sure Tina didn’t get out. We didn’t want to risk not killing her.
“KIKI! Help! I’m still in the trailer still!” I stuck my head out of the window far as I could, but being a bathroom window on a thirty-year-old trailer it was dang small.
“Baby! What are you doing in there!?” Kiki screamed at me as she raced over to me.
“I told you to wait, that I had to go to the bathroom.”
“I thought you said you finished your can and to light it up…oh my God. We have to get you out of there.”
“No shit!” I said as four successive explosions when off behind me. One of which half broke the door in.
“What should I do?”
“Go knock the bar off the front door and I’ll have to make a run for it through the trailer!” She disappeared and came back quickly while our neighbors started to come out of their own trailers.
“Ok, it’s off. Be careful.” Again she jumped up and gave me a kiss.
“I love you Kiki. I’ll make it out…for you!” With that I turned around and ran out the bathroom door. At that point I didn’t even have to bother opening it, it was pretty much burned down. There were so many flames that I couldn’t even see where I was going. Luckily I didn’t need to since I knew the path by memory. My parachute pants melted on my legs before I even reached the kitchen. And just then one of the glass jars exploded, sending shards of glass into my right side and splattered across my face. It felt like flaming fire ants were biting me everywhere. But somehow, I like to think it was sheer determination of love, I made it out of that trailer.
My neighbor Al sprayed me down with his garden hose, it felt good and I didn’t want him to stop. Mrs. Cummings, another neighbor, asked where Tina was. For dramatic affect I pointed at the trailer and cried (the tears were from the pain but I tried to make them look like they were from worrying). Though I was in bad shape it had worked- besides being burnt was a better alibi. Finally Tina was dead and I could live my life with Kiki and the millions we had coming to us. I was happy. Then…
“Oh my God! My trailer!” It took a few seconds for the comment to register, but when I turned my head around I knew I was going to see her standing right behind me.
“Baby bear! Are you all right?” I could only smile. Kiki was the one to ask how come she wasn’t in the trailer.
“Well when I got home I realized I had forgotten my pre-natal vitamins at work and I hate starting the day without one, so I went back to get them!” Kiki and I exchanged glances that both accused the other of not checking that she was in the trailer when we came back from her place.
As the fire trucks and ambulances arrived I realized how bad of shape I was in. Over half of my body had second degree burns and countless glass shards stuck in me. Hearing that I was going to have to have skin grafts made me feel faint and that was when Tina’s water broke. We shared an ambulance to the hospital.
When I woke up in the burn unit I could hardly see but I could tell my body was completely covered in gauze. And strangely, I felt nice. They must have given me the good drugs. A few minutes after I was up a hot as hell woman nurse came over to me. She looked like an angel. In fact I think she was an angel. She was so beautiful as she smiled down at me and checked my eyes. I knew in that instant that I was meant to marry her. It was love at first sight. How was I going to tell Kiki? How was I going to tell Tina? Christ, I was probably a dad by now.
“Finally awake are you?” Her voice was amazing as well. I nodded.
“Well let me be the first one to congratulate you! You’re a father…it’s a baby girl! The doctor told me I could bring her in to show you when you woke up. So sit tight, I’ll be right back.”
A girl? I knew Tina was wrong thinking it was a boy! A girl though…huh? Daddy’s little girl? Maybe being a dad wouldn’t be that bad. I was a stand up guy. I could be a good father. Hell, maybe the hot nurse lady would raise her with me.
A few minutes into my dreaming of the nurse angel I heard her voice as she walked into the room, though I couldn’t lift my head to see her.
“Here she is! Your baby girl!” Then the nurse held the most beautiful, little…black baby I had ever seen in front of my face. I couldn’t help but cry. It wasn’t mine. All this and it wasn’t mine. I was free!
An hour after this realization I was on cloud nine. I could now leave Tina and when Kiki showed up I was going to tell her I was leaving her just the same. All this pain and suffering I have gone through, it was her fault. I was a fool earlier thinking I could be a dad and that Kiki was the one for me. Hell, maybe all of this happened for a reason. That dude God works in odd ways, maybe he just needed this to happen so I’d meet that angel nurse and marry her. Once I got out of this place nurse angel and I would be together. Things were looking up, they were right for the first time in ages.
Kiki showed up and I was ready to give her the news. I was a new man now. No pussy footing around. I was going to just tell her straight out.
“Honey. The doctor told me all about your injuries. I’m so sorry. But can you believe the kid’s not yours! We can be together now!”
“Speaking of that I have something I have to tell you.” I coughed out through my smoke-scarred lungs.
“Okay. But me first. I have some exciting news! Ricky…Honey…I’m pregnant!”
