SHORT & SWEET: Tiger Who?
 
Here’s Sam Perez, your favorite sports sleuth, finding out the latest and most secret stuff around the leagues...
 
SHOCKER! It turns out a terrible epidemic is making its way through major sports, and it’s specially lethal when it comes in contact with Tour Champions! I’m talking about a virus known as CHOKe, and its latest victims are ATP top racket Roger Federline and the PGA’s Master (Ooops! Not anymore!) Tiger Woods. Roger was eliminated just last week from the tournament that was eventually won by Serena Williams.
 
Meanwhile, El Tigre was seemingly too busy picking baby names for his firstborn instead of taking cautionary measures to avoid testing CHOKe-positive! The Masters of Augusta Tournament was won by some guy nobody knew about (right)! Would you believe it?
 
Next time some snotty know-it-all claims movies like Kevin Costner’s masterpiece Tin Cup don’t happen in real life, just show them a tape of what happened sunday at Augusta, OK? In fact, if you taped the whole thing, I would love to borrow it. I missed the golf on TV because I had promised to take my niece Agnetha to the local park’s Easter festivities. Funny story: a big, strong guy nobody had heard from before picked the most eggs at the Easter egg hunt! I tell you, those kids never had a chance against this super-chocoholic! So, me and the mystery guy from the golf tournament... Coincidence? I don’t think so! All in all, it was a memorable weekend for unknowns at major events.
 
 
M-V-P! M-V-P! Is it too soon to name the Most Valuable Player in baseball? I think not! Turns out Captain Yankee himself, Alex Rodriguez, is rewriting the history books with every swing of his mighty bat. At the current pace, he’s expected to knock 138 HOMERS THIS SEASON! That’s almost twice as many as Barry Bonds had when he set the record shared by Mark Maguire and Sammy Sosa. All those long distance shots have earned A-Rod a brand new nickname, courtesy of those ingenious Yankee fans: Mr. April! Well done, sir! Or better yet: Well done, Mr. April!
 
ITEM! Troubled defensive back Pacman Jones has just been suspended for the entire 2007 season! Pacman’s off-field troubles were to blame, and he’ll have to watch the NFL on TV like the rest of us. I hate saying this, but we warned him about his extracurricular activities not long ago, remember? Maybe someone should have spent less time showering strippers with dollar bills and more time on the Information Superhighway™®©. Hey, I’m just pointing out the facts...
 
On a sad note, someone told me something about the MLS EVENT starting up this Saturday. Look, we at SPORTIVO are all for fun and games and good times, but we also know you have to devote time to worthy causes. So, regarding this thing with MLS, give plenty and give often, OK? I mean, if stars like Richard Pryor can get it, so can all of us. Let’s find a cure together, deal?
 
And speaking of diseases: I don’t know about you, but I think I just got infected with SANJAYA FEVER! Is there anything this kid can’t sing? If American Idol keeps dealing this kind of top-notch entertainment, I think the NBA is really gonna have to bring out something special to deserve some coverage this year. So, don’t be surprised if Michael Jordan attempts another comeback!
 
GET WELL SOON: Washington Wizards top scorer GILBERT ARENAS (groin pull), golfer LORENA OCHOA (choking incident), Braves pitcher MIKE HAMPTON (tennis elbow), Chicago Fire striker CUANTEMOC BLANCO (collapsed neck), Triathlete JOAQUIN DURO (wet bike seat wedgies) and former major league pitcher UGUETH URBINA (prison rape-induced anal fissures).
 
Play fair,
 
Sam “Egg Hunt Champion” Perez
 
Monday, April 9, 2007