SHORT & SWEET: Our First Week
SPORTIVO’S Sam Perez here, with some HOT ITEMS to share with all the e-readers!
PLAY BALL! Baseball’s Opening Day is here, but since I heard somewhere that the regular season started on April 1st, I dismissed the whole thing as yet another April Fool’s prank. Apparently I missed a couple of good games, but you know how it is in baseball: the games that really matter take place about two weeks before the playoffs.
On the other hand, some players out there are already generating major buzz around the leagues. Take DICEZUKE MATSUSAKE, from the Boston Red Sox, for instance: not only did the Japanese import command a hefty contract, he’s also quite fond of... dramatic drum roll... GYROS! And who can blame him? Gyros are dee-lish! I hope the rookie pitcher can find good greek fast food in Beantown! If you can’t, give us a ring at SPORTIVO, DICEZUKE! We’ll hook you up next time your team visits the Florida Marlins, OK?
ITEM! Somebody alert Austin Powers: ENGLAND CAN’T SCORE! On the soccer pitch, that is. They just broke a long streak without goals by beating tiny Andorra (3-nil), a country whose entire population fits into the stadium they played in (Old Trafford). Here’s a quick tip for English coach Steve McClaren: Before your next match, gather the lads together and show them some footage from the classic film “Escape To Victory”, then tell them to pretend they’re 4 goals down against a powerful Nazi team. If they don’t react to THAT, I don’t know what to tell you... Maybe calling David Beckham back?
Pacman Jones, bringing shame
to the real Pacman’s legacy
Here’s a free math lesson for you: Roger Federer is the world’s top-ranked tennis player. During the past three weeks, Federer has lost twice against Guillermo Canas. GUILLERMO CANAS SHOULD BE RANKED NUMBER ONE IN THE WORLD, no arguments. It’s an open and shut case, people. Do the right thing for once, ATP...
Just saw that “300” movie... Didn’t care much for all the war stuff, particularly since we’re fighting a real war out there. However, something’s quite clear to me: if we had 5 buff greek warriors starting up for the Dream Team, instead of the teen patrol of prima donnas we have now, THE US BASKETBALL TEAM WOULD STILL BE WEARING GOLD AROUND THEIR NECKS, period!
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Florida’s Joakim Noah, whose Gators will be defending their national championship against Ohio State, is quite used to being the Center... of attention! Maybe the fact that he is (I kid you not) the son of retired tennis player Yannick Noah and a former beauty queen! Who knew? I didn’t have a picture of Mama Noah in my files, but I was instructed by my niece to request one from the readers via e-mail. I did, and PRESTO! Here’s one of her (right). Let me tell you, this Information Superhighway©® has nothing but fast lanes on it! Big thanks to alert reader Buck3y3z_4_3V4, who came through for us big time!
GET WELL SOON: Detroit pitcher and rotisserie chicken magnate KENNY ROGERS (circulatory problems), Dallas Maverick and scary-looking german behemoth DIRK NOWITZKIN (ankle sprain), rolly-polly Argentinean soccer star and sneaky trickster DIEGO MARADONA (heart murmur), fire-and-brimstone coach NORV TURNER from the San Diego Chargers (flesh-eating bacteria), former Monday Night Football color commentator and ex-Washington Redskins QB JOE THEISMANN (infected hemorrhoids and senile dementia), former pro-am baseball player and Cuban strongman FIDEL CASTRO (skateboard-related concussion) and bullfighter PACO LOPEZ (tetanus)...
Joakim Noah’s Mom, T.T. D’Arby-Noah (thanks for the pic, readers)
Whatever KOBI BRYANT is drinking these days, I’ll have a double (unless you’re testing my urine afterwards)... CHEERLEADING reports more catastrophic injuries than the rest of the other high school and college sports combined, which leads to an obvious conclusion: cheerleading IS a sport... DONALD TRUMP managed to keep his hair intact against the challenge issued by WWE supremo VINCE MCMAHON, which teaches us one thing: never bet against The Donald (hear that, Rosie O’Donnell?)... Let me get one thing straight: Mexican golfer SERGIO GARCIA thinks America should open its doors and golf courses to foreigners like him, but also thinks it’s OK to spit on them? Why don’t you swim back though the Rio Grande, amigo?... Take this to the bank: SLAMMIN’ SAMMY SOSA will be battling Dwight Howard for the homerun crown at the end of this season...
Well, guys, it’s been a busy week. Some of our contributors will be dropping by their first assignments soon, so keep your eyes on SPORTIVO, OK?
Play fair,
Sam “Not A Filthy, Spitting Immigrant” Perez
April 1, 2007 6:57 PM
