MOVIE TIME: Don’t Call It A Comeback!
After a long absence that might or might not have been related to a collapsed server and/or terrorist threats against SPORTIVO, we’re back with news and comments on everything, you know, sporty and stuff. Yeah, we’re sorry you missed so much sleep due to our unexplained departure. Here are some movie posters and possible plots we worked on while figuring out this whole domain name and server space thingy...
Today’s mission: finding a suitable “comeback film” that can resurrect the career of fallen NFL icon Michael Vick. We’re lazy, so we’re going the remake route. Is that something you might be interested in?
September 19, 2007 8:28 PM
HOW TO STAGE A COMEBACK: The Wrong Way (left),
The Right Way (up).
Reuters (Britney), Cleveland Press Collection, CSU Archives (Ali/Wepner)
AMORES PERROS
(Love’s A Bitch)
Director Alejandro Gonzalez Iñarritu’s (Babel) breakthrough film, with its graphic depiction of Mexico’s underground dogfighting circuit would seem like the ideal choice for a remake starring a certain Mr. Ron Mexico, right? Wrong, bitch! First of all, the subtitles are a big no-no with the average NFL fan (that’s why none of them follow the CFL). Plus, we’re aiming for redemption here... NEXT!
DOG DAY AFTERNOON
Now we’re talking. For me, the 70’s came up with some of the coolest movie posters of all time. The kind you can still hang in your apartment and not feel like a total artsy douche about. Or an immature man-child with the attention span of a jellyfish, which is exactly what your Spider-Man 2 poster is shouting out right now to every girl you manage to bring home, Sparky.
By the way, what happened to posters that actually told a story, like this one? Guess reading more than 50 words is too much of a stretch for our brains, huh?Especially now that they’re busy trying to deduct how much you are saving by buying the extra large combo instead of separate orders of extra large soda, bucket of popcorn and Sour Patch Kids. Anyway, the plot... The plot? Who cares about some fucking plot? JUST CHECK OUT HOW COOL VICK LOOKS IN THE POSTER, DUDE!
THE DOGS OF WAR
Remember who played the lead character on this overlooked, early 80’s action film? None other than Christopher Walken, ladies. As a bad-ass mercenary who eats torture and shits cool explosions of fiery death, Walken manages to pull off a rare role: the skinny guy who kicks ass. Of course, the emergence of Ah-Nuld, Stallone, Van Damme, et al changed the whole game, and wiry actors like Walken were instantly forbid from even reading for those roles. But still, I mean, it’s Walken we’re talking about here. If he had been giving access to HGH and Barry Bond’s trainers at the right time, it would be him governing California. Back to the movie pitch: Just picture Vick as the existentialist gun-for-hire, and Commish Goodell as evil dictator Kimba. Or not. You’re better off just renting the original, so let’s skip it...
TURNER & HOOCH
Now, maybe Mike should stick with something a little less confrontational, a vehicle that’ll play well with the whole American nuclear family. I’m guessing a remake of this Tom Hanks comedy (to use the term loosely) can’t really hurt as a comeback film. It’s pretty harmless soccer-mom-friendly fare, though I think this movie marked the point in Hanks’ career where he went: “That’s it, my fucking agent is GONE!”, because soon afterwards he started landing the meatier, more demanding roles that eventually lead to Philadelphia, Gump, Private Ryan and the rest of his critically-praised stuff. Also, he never shared the lead with an animal again. Though he did share the lead with a volleyball in Cast Away. And with Rosie O’Donnell in A League Of Their Own. There’s a lesson there, Michael. Moving on...
DOGFIGHT
OK, so the idea of sharing leads with animals hasn’t been totally dismissed. Maybe a low budget, badly lit, intimate drama with an indie feel would suit him best. Let’s switch the pretentious female director with some maladjusted auteur like David Cronenberg or Terry Gilliam, and I swear to you they’ll make the whole anthropomorphic-dog-headed-creatures thing work. Why do we need anthropomorphic-dog-headed-creatures in the film, you say? Because one time I was really drunk and I wrote a script that features anthropomorphic-dog-headed-creatures, and I’m not about to flush my cool visuals down the toilet, that’s why! Plot: Vick falls in love with an anthropomorphic-dog-headed-creature, but then feels guilty having her fight other anthropomorphic-dog-headed-creatures because he’s developing real feelings for her, or some sick shit like that. Just wait for the “rape stand” scene. This one can become a classic with stoners and bestiality freaks, and we know those demographics are right up Mike’s alley.
WAG THE DOG
Then there are other options, like not having Mike carry the burden of the film by himself. How much on-screen experience does he have, anyway? No, he might be better off getting paired with someone like Starbury, who has his own talk show and shit. We know Stephon has tried to spin Mike’s story as a quirky cultural trait, like cock fighting for latinos or bull fighting for... um... latinos, too. Anyway, Marbury has Ookie’s back, aaight? Those two have chemistry together, and there’s lots of sequel potential here. Let’s just drop David Mamet’s wordy script and go for something more urban and hip, maybe by the Hughes Brothers. Speaking of brothers, let’s bring Marcus Vick on board, maybe playing the Woody Harrelson role. Three troubled careers resurrected in one film? I smell Oscar, baby!
K-9
In the end, you can’t go wrong by remaking a Jim Belushi film. First of all, no one can do them worse than Belushi, so there’s improvement right off the bat. Tweak the script so that Mike plays a cop who falls from grace when he risks his canine partner’s life by infiltrating a dogfighting ring... and becoming addicted to the illegal fight’s rush of savagery and blood. Sergeant Vick goes to jail, but his faithful sidekick (let’s name the dog ‘Ookie’, just for shits and giggles) decides that no matter what, he won’t leave a partner in his time of need. Ookie follows Vick to prison. Hilarity and ass rape ensues. In fact, let’s play up that ass rape angle and rename the project “K-Y”, and have them bankroll the project with the promise of some savvy product placement. See? Is anybody writing this shit down? IT’S PURE CINEMATIC GOLD, THAT’S WHAT IT IS!
– MR. BAD EXAMPLE
