THE EXHIBIT: Sports Sculpture

We at SPORTIVO believe in sophistication. I mean, seriously, we have culture and appreciation for the fine arts coming out of our collective asses over here. That’s why we dedicated most of this week’s budget for the blog (all $38.50 of it) to bring you our first exclusive: a Virtual Exhibit of Sports Sculpture. That’s us, just opening the checkbook and making it rain on the art world, beeyotches!

Paying for art was a seemingly easy task. Choosing the artist was, on the other hand, a bit more difficult. It’s not like you have armies of sculptors working on sports subjects out there. Fortunately, we came upon Daniel Edwards. You know him. He made waves all across the art world by gracing us with the controversial depiction of a butt-naked Britney Spears in the act of giving birth while leaning on a bearskin rug. You might have seen the piece on the Capla Kesting Fine Art Gallery or, you know, on your nightmares. Either way, here it is...

Edwards is news again, thanks to “The Autopsy of Paris Hilton”, a new piece that shows the naked celebrity frolicking with her ubiquitous pet chihuahua. If Brian Urlacher is as shrewd the art afficionado as he is a defenseman, I’m guessing he’s already placing a bid at Sotheby’s...

So, we went ahead and tried to get one of Edwards’ sports-related sculptures, but it turns out he’s only made the one that features Ted Williams’ detached head. While the Splendid Splinter was a phenomenal figure in life, he’s a bit sad to see in this piece (right), a terrible reminder of those embittered last years where his now-defunct son had him cryogenically frozen (well, his noggin, at least). No, we needed something current and, if possible, inspired on still-breathing subjects.

Unfortunately, Edwards didn’t return any of our calls. So, we did the next best thing: we bought a crap-load of plaster, papier maché, a bit of clay, some silly putty, a hunk of marble (rookie mistake) and enough tools to give Bob The Builder a hard-on, and we put them to good use. Inspired by Edwards’ oeuvre, Team Sportivo went Rodin all over yo’ asses! We even gave pretentious, artsy names to our sculptures. Behold!

THE NOWITZKI MANEUVER (matte alabaster). We got this one out of the way rather quickly, since a local artist agreed to sell us the half-finished Peyton’s Pain, a work-in-progress that met an abrupt end after Mr. Manning’s Super Bowl victory. Hey, someone’s trash is another man’s ornamental trash. Peyton’s neck gave us enough material to carve Dirk’s head, so the only real challenge was changing a football uniform to a basketball jersey. Voila! Now the german’s choke-job will live forever... in art form!

The Mav’s collapse against the Warriors also inspired a companion piece, one that took a page from Edwards’ “Fidel Castro’s Deathbed Portrait” (down, left). We named ours “Dirk’s Nightmare of a Disembodied Baron Davis’ Head” (down, right). Yes, Edward’s work is still more polished than ours. But we can totally kick his ass, if he’s a pasty white guy like most of those other sculptors we met at the art supply store...

LEFTY (Silica and ivory). Simple. Honest. Chesty. We wanted to capture the allure of Phil Mickelson as a fallible but still lovable champion, without sacrificing the unhealthy fascination generated by his moobs. This piece feels equally at home in a mantle overlooking the family room as in the clubhouse of Augusta National. Or wearing a Hooters t-shirt.

THE CRAPPER (Clay and coprolyte). Inspired loosely on The Thinker, but that’s where the similarities end. This homage to Tony Romo’s last play of the past NFL season is a true original. One of our resident Cowboy fans worked hard on this one. It’s no exaggeration to say he left a little bit of himself on the finished piece. Let’s move on...

MARLINNEN PIS (Bronze, teal, Curvoisier) This elaborate, dynamic piece (envisioned as a fountain), celebrates the fateful night in South Beach when Dontrelle Willis, our beloved “D Train”, turned into the “P Train”. His subsequent arrest on charges of public urination hasn’t diminished one bit of his aura. If anything, we like him even more. Nothing like taking a furtive leak after a busy night out to make a star feel like “one of our own”. On the other hand...

SPITTER PAN COMPLEX (cement -head- and balsa foam). This fountain statue captures the most memorable moment for Sergio Garcia on this year’s PGA Tour.

We said it before and we’ll say it again: fine art is the shit!

– Mr. Bad Example.