NICKNAME UPDATER: Get On The Jersey
Mr. Bad Example fancies himself a nickname expert. On the other hand, so does Chris Berman. Consider yourself warned...
To this day, the “nicknames on the back of jerseys” is the only lasting legacy of the XFL. Sadly, I think that sole piece of trivia will also be gone once Rod Smart (he of “He Hate Me” fame) is no longer employable by any NFL team. And judging by last season’s performance, when he couldn’t even cut it as an Oakland Raider, odds are he’s on the fast track to oblivion.
So, who’ll carry on his legacy? And by “legacy” I mean: who’s the next player who will do the impossible to eventually get his nickname on the back of his jersey? Two obvious candidates are running point with this one: Tank Johnson proudly displays his moniker along with his last name. And Chad Johnson, the irrepressible “Ocho Cinco”, velcroed a fake nameplate bearing that nickname to his jersey during warmups of a regular season game, a stunt that cost the Bengal’s wide receiver 5,000 dollars. Money well spent, in our book.
By now, it’s obvious Roger Goodell’s sense of humor makes former commish Paul Tagliabue look like Will Ferrell, but nonetheless, who can honestly be AGAINST having nicknames on the jerseys? The NFL can’t keep being such hypocrites. Yes, you still can’t go to nflshop.com and get an Atlanta Falcons #7 jersey with the name “RON MEXICO” imprinted on the back (or even the less threatening “MEXICO” by itself), but there are ways to beat the system. On that topic, let’s update some nicknames and see how they would look like on the field if the NFL execs were not such a bunch of tight asses...
TANK JOHNSON: Nothing against “Tank”. We love “Tank”. There should be even more players taking the intimidation factor right into their nicknames. Somehow knowing that this guy keeps an arsenal at home that’s big enough to overtake a Central American government makes it even more menacing. But knowing you’re facing jail time and still boasting about it? In short: Anyone can grab a tiger by the balls, but it takes a real badass to squeeze... Give us your sentence, in a sentence, Tank!
NAJEH DAVENPORT: Always a favorite of mine from his days at UM, but we all know why this man is legendary. Which begs the question: how can a muscular guy with dreadlocks get Lohan-drunk, climb up a second floor balcony, break into the room of an ex girlfriend, take a dump on her hamper and still not earn a legendary nickname? The travesty stops here, Najeh. Consider this an interim moniker, until we find one that adequately portrays the entire ordeal... “DA SHITTA”? “CLIMB N DUMP”?
PACMAN JONES: Again, nothing against Pacman here. But being honest, Jones is outgrowing the Pacman nickname. And since he won’t listen to our advice and adopt the name of an evil video game character, maybe he should just honor the “Makin’ it rain” episode from his lost weekend in Las Vegas. Or just use it for leverage, insisting on it and then saying: “OK, if you think it’s in bad taste, I’ll settle with just ‘Pacman’ instead”. Win-win.
ELI MANNING: Be honest: when you saw the picture on the left you didn’t even had to recognize the Giant’s jersey or notice the number ten to knew it belonged to the lesser Manning sibling, right? Yes, it’s a little contrived, since Peyton is older and would really be Sonny, only Cooper is older and he would be Sonny and then Eli would be Michael and... Screw it, you know what we mean here. Eli might be a Michael by birth order, but he’s still a Fredo by the inexorable forces of destiny.
MIKE VICK: If you’re patient, you’ll notice you can insert spaces in the word “MEXICO” and still be able to have your custom made “Ron Mexico” jersey at nflshop.com, but we tried a few alternates a few weeks ago when Vick had that little incident with the water bottle at the Miami International Airport. Granted, there wasn’t any pot inside the bottle, but we would still choose this handle for him. It’s laid back, it’s cool... a winner.
TONY ROMO: “Butterfingers” is too long for customization purposes. So is “THE FUMBLER”. “LACES OUT” fits, but that wasn’t quite the issue with Romo’s infamous last play as a Cowboy QB last season. So, let’s all honor one of the greatest blogs ever done and go with the HOMO jersey. Hey, those “GAY” Patriot jerseys sold pretty well, didn’t they? Well, you need to insert spaces so it reads “H O M O”, but it still works.
DAUNTE CULPEPPER: I’ve been patient. But if he doesn’t start making noticeable progress at some point during the 2007-08 season, Daunte will earn the nickname of his counterpart in the equine world. And maybe share his fate in the great glue factory in the sky. Kidding, Daunte. But not really. Get well soon? Fuck it! GET WELL NOW!
FRED SMOOT: And just so you know, both the Vikings and Redskins jerseys can be customized with “LOVE BOAT” names. As soon as Smoot gets a number with Washington, he’s ours! Long live the double donger!
April 7, 2007 11:31 PM
