I wonder why all my plans go tits up. Am I not a good friend? Maybe I am too busy fighting demons in hope of freeing the land that nods to pay attention to other folkels. I look like a complete idiot sometimes. I invite people places, promise other people they will go and then I turn up alone and I'm the fool left explaining that I’m not a Billy No-Mates with Drop Dead Freds for company. In the long run that doesn’t matter too much, not least of all because I’ve decided not to go to that a party tonight. I'm mainly concerned about the fact I am probably going to die alone. I'm not saying this for pity, but out of sheer matter of fact that occurred to me today.

Today I went to meet a girl knowing it was just for an English lesson and under the impression that, like Pip, she was going to move away soon -  so there was no apparent chance of romantic happenings. Yet I still got myself so nervous and worked up that I had a headache on the way to Sendai and felt dizzy on the train. Sometimes, I hate my brain. I remember how nervous I was meeting Pip too and she was nice but not strikingly attractive. The problem with me is, I'm stupidly picky and not happy with anyone unless they are incredibly gorgeous, despite my meagre offering, on top of everything else. So just imagine how nervous I would be with such a woman. I would have no chance, and I'm almost 30. How can I still be like this? I meet someone and I’m just hurrying to get the adventure over with so I can go back to a comfortable existence where I’m not worried about making a tit of myself or having a panic attack all the time. So it seems inevitable that I am going to die alone, because I can’t see how I am going to impress anyone I am interested in. I will start putting money aside for prostitutes.

As it turned out though, this girl was nice, and she has a similar taste in music. And things didn't go horribly wrong. She even sent  an email to me this evening expressing an interest in meeting again (what does that mean?) and a cute photo of her in the new glasses she bought. So there is a possibility things might develop in the future. I'm just not holding my breath. If I'm gonna get worked up every time I go to meet her then its probably not going to be worth it. Maybe it is just the build up. We have to plan the meet, then I have days expecting it, then I have the long journey to the city and then waiting around in the spot where we will meet. If she came to visit me then it would be far better. I hate anything I can see coming; jokes, spitballs, meteors, speeding buses when I’m standing on a crossing. Maybe I shall see if she is comfortable with having an English lesson at my place, or at least a neutral spot in my city.

On the way back from the train station, I was very cold and needed food. So I stopped in at the ramen shop that I haven't been to for ages - the one owned by the man who took me karaoke singing. It was good. Not only do I have a nice meal when I go there but I get to chill and chat to the staff afterwards like I am a friend coming to visit. They called me Machyu-kun too, which is cool. It's the first time I've been called a -kun (a suffix of affection for males)  without people adding a ‘t’ sound on the end of it and it cheered me up a bit. He helped me with my other problem too, which is that I had been invited to a Halloween party this evening but no idea where it was. I left looking for the place too long, assuming I could find it on my iphone's map on my way there. However, it doesn't seem to exist and no one has heard of it. Not even the phone directory people who my friend called up. I was considering biking around town in my costume looking for  the place, but there were too many reasons against it. My tiredness was one, the headache another, the hangover intruding on my worktime tomorrow and since I volunteered the idea of doing this Halloween lesson for Elementary school I need to deliver. There’s also the act that I won’t know a soul there, but I do know that it is mostly middle aged souls, who are good company at times, but not the kind of partying company I want right now. The final reason is that the costume I bought is more lame than an extremely dumb dog that walked into our seperate bear traps and then got its tail caught in a fifth for good measure. I bought what I thought was a cool skeleton suit, but it turns out to be a t-shirt. It’s a very cool t-shirt, but as a Halloween costume it’s lame, and I don’t think the guy from a country that actually celebrates Halloween should be outdone by a bunch of peeps from a country that doesn’t. I also get to have a decent night’s sleep. I shall just have to live with the fact that I could have had fun, and I might have met some cool new people.

Another reason is there is another party tomorrow. See, my friend at the Ramen shop told me that there is an annual foreigners party during the day. More an event than a party I suppose, but it sounds like it either would be fun...or will be filled with the kind of people I've been trying to avoid. I'd definitely go if there were Japanese English speakers there. The problem with this one is that it is quite a way out of town so I need someone with a car to take me. Might be able to rope someone into it but everyone seems to be hiding tonight.