Life, Love & Sickness

Le changement dans lequel nous croyons

Mon, 2 Jun 2008 09:26:04 -0400

I am already going to change to a new host...moving to a new domain and heading over to wordpress. So please - to the two people I know have read my three blog entries - wait a bit and I will have another one up soon.

It promises to be a little jucier, a lot prettier and a lot easier to navigate.

<3 Nickoal

My Little Darling...

Sat, 24 May 2008 11:05:49 -0400

Panda Bear is an exuberant 5 year old little girl. She enjoys playing outside, getting dirty, watching “her shows”, going to school and giving lovies. This lovely child has now become grown - or at least she thinks she has, because she has lost her first tooth. Now, I have to say that this is something that I was very, very much looking forward to.

My husband and I got married on December 29, 2002 and Panda Bear was born February 20, 2003. When she was two weeks old, I ran into her parents after not speaking to them for 9 months (after finding out she was pregnant - they are worthy of a post all their own, the thought of them leaves a bad taste in my mouth), they asked me to watch her for a few hours. I was 18, newly married, and on a baby kick! I really, really wanted a child of my own, and decided of course I’d watch this little darling for a few hours, much to my husband’s vexation. She was so tiny, so beautiful, I was instantly in love - and so when they called 2 hours into our play date asking if I’d mind keeping her overnight, I was nervous but emphatically agreed. That is what started it all...

Sperm Donor* and Surrogate* were not young chronologically, but mentally it was another story. Surrogate was 30, and legally mentally challenged (she has the mind of a 7 year old) - while Sperm Donor was 32 and legally blind and a pedophiliac piece of shit. They were as useless as tits on a boar hog and the most worthless parents you would ever find. Here I am, 18, newly married, taking care of their 2 week old child overnight. I had to go to the store to buy the necessities because I was only given enough to care for a new-born for a few hours. I didn’t sleep, I lay awake all night watching her in the carrier to make sure she was still breathing, to make sure that nothing was wrong. At the slightest whine, I shot up and went through my mental check list... diaper, bottle, blankie, love. This went on for two nights, because Sperm Donor and Surrogate were enjoying the time away so much.

The day I brought her back, I found myself with this emptiness, this guttural aching inside. I didn’t want to leave this little life in their care... what would they do to her? Parents weren’t supposed to leave their two week old with someone for two nights straight with only one call to ask them to keep them just a little longer? So, I played on Surrogate’s need to watch cartoons all day, and said - “Do you think Sperm Donor would like to take you out and spend the weekend for your birthday?” And so, she calls Sperm Donor at work, who says yes, let Nickoal take the baby - and that is what I did.

That weekend is one I will never forget. I was still not sleeping, and fussing over this new little life in my care, when at about 2:30 a.m. she was a little fussy. I checked her diaper, she was a little wet, so I decided to change her. Unzipping her jammies, I noticed that her umbilical cord, that was dried up and curly by now, was gone. All that was left behind was a little blood and some green gunk. I completely panicked. I woke my husband, who was still far from thrilled by this baby we had taken in, and asked him what to do. He is an only child - this was literally the first baby he had ever been around, so he had NO idea what was going on, and told me to call my mum. Now, my mother is a very caring and loving person, but in this instance she hated Sperm Donor and Surrogate because yet more ignorant shit they did, and decided to very uncharacteristically have nothing to do with the baby. But I called her anyway, and she met me in her backyard, in the cold of winter, at close to three in the morning. I was tearing up, terrified that I had somehow forgotten something, and she was going to bleed out through her bellybutton. As my mum tried to calm me down, explaining that it was completely normal, my husband lie sleeping soundly in the swing, unaware of the amazing milestone in our soon-to-be new daughter’s life.

That pattern went on for many weeks, that turned into months, and many other milestones. The first time she turned over, stood up, her first steps, and due to traumatic events in her short little life - finally, her first words...I looked so forward to the things when she got older. Her first Chanukah that she really understood what was going on, her first day of school and Halloween costumes that she picked out all by herself. But nothing could have prepared me for her first loose tooth. It was a moment that I had been looking forward to, I’d periodically check her teeth because I knew how excited I was when I got my first loose tooth, and after all the other achievements this was one I couldn’t wait for. And then it came...

Bubbe (Pronounced Bubby = Yiddish for Grandma) brought her home from the bus stop and she ran down to my house. I asked how her day was at school, but before I could get the words out, a very excited Panda Bear said to me, “Mommy!! My tooth is LOOSE!!!”. I couldn’t believe, I just looked at her, this little girl, and I said “No way! Let me see?” And there it was, bottom row, front and second from the centre, loose as can be and about to fall out. And all I could do was hug her, and cry, and say “I love you!”. I was so, so proud. I got out my camera and start taking loads of pictures, hugging her throughout, wiping my tears away. And I just know, that this is it. This is why I am a mother, for moments like these, once in a life time moments. That night her tooth fell out. I asked her if 5 dollars was enough for her tooth, to which this now fully grown child replied “Mommy, the tooth fairy gives quarters, NOT dollars.” Which was okay with me. The next day, the tooth directly beside it became loose, and fell out. She got another quarter.

It’s not always easy, but I love her, it’s these moments that remind me why I took that little angel in the first place. She will always be my little angel, no teeth or all.
*Sperm Donor & Surrogate; Names changed to protect those too despicable to remain on the planet earth

(She isn’t actually cross-eyed, but she was looking at herself on the webcam...)

Some Photo-age...

Fri, 23 May 2008 12:55:08 -0400

This is me, Nickoal, upon waking - cut me some slack! (Jewish in a past life? I think not - it’s all in this life baby!! I know it’s big, but I am still proud)

Genesis

Thu, 22 May 2008 12:23:23 -0400

The Players
(Pictures Coming soon)

♡ Nickoal... as the Wife
♡ “Pooks”... as the Husband
♡ Mummy... as the Mother
♡ Panda Bear... as the Daughter
♡ Grampy... as the Father-in-law
♡ Dominique... as the Frenchman
♡ Scary Lady... as the Mother-in-law
♡ Scary Guy... as the Step Father-in-law
♡ Countless Doctors... as themselves, names will be changed to protect the jerky ones!!
My Philosophy
(of sorts)
I am loud, opinionated, and unapologetic. You may not always agree with what I have to say, and that is one of the great things about the mind - you own your thoughts and have all rights to your opinion. I always enjoy a good debate, but try to respect the other persons beliefs. I am not a “religious” person, but I am a Buddhist and absolutely believe that there are many paths to the top of the mountain. People who beat their religion into other people deserve no respect in my opinion and of course invite any and all of my logical wrath - so take it elsewhere or suffer the consequences. I am a loyal friend, and will do anything I can for the ones I love and care about. Falling hard and fast, even in friendly situations, is my art, but if you cross me (which a few have) you better watch your back. I’m no stranger to cursing, and use it like ketchup, sometimes - I just curse like a sailor. If none of this sounds appealing to you, kindly move on...If you are still interested, by all means, stay a while and learn the rest...

By The Way’s....

Well, I am a freelance photographer, but I also take loads a snapshots of my kids and family, so many picture posts will follow... Occasionally I might throw in a photo I’m working on or some photography crap to say “And you thought I was just here for my good looks...”.

I am a linguist. I speak and study many languages, but the only one you will see sprinkled throughout my blog is Yiddish. I use it often, because it is colourful, interesting and one of my favourite languages in all the world and it is just the perfect language for expressing yourself at times.

I will probably complain about my husband and father-in-law a lot, but that is because they are the proverbial thorns in my arse. Don’t worry though - I have other things to complain about as well..(it’s not ALL complaining)

If I should figure out how to make some posts password protected, I might do so occasionally. I am not ashamed of anything, but maybe my husband or others might not appreciate having their business out there for everyone to see. (side-note: if anyone can tell me how to password protect stuff I’d appreciate it very much!!

My animals are right up here with my daughter, so you will hear and see LOTS of them. If that bothers you - GET OVER IT!!

(I’m really not as bitchy as this page makes me seem....
okay maybe I am a little bitchy.)

My Musical Listening Habits
❤❤❤